How To Do Everything

How To Do Everything


We're half advice show, half survival guide. We answer all your questions, from how to find a date, to how to find water in the desert.


Beefily Ever After

In our last episode, we learn how to drink tea, build human towers, watch the sunset forever and find the Ian inside all of us.
18/11/1622m 37s

Freedom, Justice, or Peter Sagal

We learn what happened to a two-thousand year-old toe, and what to do when our voices make you sick.
11/11/1620m 43s


Devil In The White City author Erik Larson helps us write gooder, and we tell you how to snack silently at the movies.
04/11/1617m 8s

We Accidentally Made A Halloween Episode

Mark Bittman helps us answer a very creepy question, and we learn who's helping the Obamas move.
28/10/1620m 36s

Romancing The Cod

How to talk to fish and protect your yard signs.
21/10/1610m 53s

Trust Him On The Frustum

We help you brush that dirt off your shoulder and get the most out of your Reese's.
13/10/1616m 53s

The Never-Ending Cave

We tell you how to get deep and how to fake childhood memories.
07/10/1616m 3s

The Sound of Silence

A listener needs help opening his Velcro bag quietly, so we call in the military.
30/09/1611m 15s

Fiddlin', Gruntin', Snorin' and Carlin'

How to get people to remember your name and find thousands of worms. Note: this episode talks about curse words but bleeps them out. It's educational, but there's a lot of cursing.
23/09/1622m 44s

The Champ

We tell you how to keep your fries crispy and make your friends cry.
16/09/1623m 59s


How to lose to Usain Bolt by a slightly smaller margin, and another use for your bowling shoes.
09/09/1615m 32s

Bonny's Dream

How to endure hearing someone describe their dream.
02/09/1617m 2s

Bears and Bubbles

How to bathe discreetly and get close to a panda.
26/08/1618m 2s

Bears, Tigers, Leeches, and Spicy Food

How to pick a winner in a bear v. tiger fight, find an endangered species, and eat spicy food.
19/08/1622m 2s

Best Man O' War

How to train your pet jellyfish and plan a wedding no one will forget.
12/08/1621m 55s

The Only Olympics Guide You'll Ever Need

With how-to advice from a bunch of Olympians and Patrick Stewart.
05/08/1627m 37s

Lyin' Eyes

How to protect your cow and pull a loose tooth.
29/07/1611m 46s

Merry Chrismas!

How to celebrate your new favorite holiday and enjoy the Summer Olympics.
21/07/1616m 52s


How to talk to a dinosaur and survive a public bathroom.
15/07/1621m 2s

Human Feet and Graham Crackers

How to have less fun at the beach, and how to enjoy graham crackers.
08/07/1625m 11s

A Bulge in the Ol' Onion Bag

How to defend against the dark arts, call someone a jerk, and look cool around dads.
01/07/1622m 51s

The Birds & the Bees

We help Ryan and Ryan, and learn what bees are thinking.
24/06/1618m 33s

Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs

How to blend into the background, and harness the secret power of watermelon.
17/06/1621m 33s

The Pee Dance

Why you do what you do when you've really gotta go.
11/06/1617m 59s

Scoreboards, Scanners and Southwest

How to keep score at a Cubs game and find the best seat on your next flight.
03/06/1614m 9s

The Stink Tree

This week we save a marriage and improve the most awkward minute of your day.
27/05/1627m 4s

You're The Man Now, Dog II

This week we find out why EJ sings.
20/05/1622m 51s

You're The Man Now, Dog

How AC/DC could save your life, and we defend weasels.
13/05/1617m 4s

Nsyncs and Faucets

How to keep a secret, and how to say goodbye bye bye.
06/05/1617m 52s

The Next Generation

A 21st Century mom gets a visit from the 24th Century.
29/04/1618m 11s

Yes, No, and Present

How to avoid a bad bee sting, get back at bad Facebook posters, and look cool when you're carrying a Trapper Keeper.
22/04/1624m 36s

The Interminator

How to shake hands like a politician, free up space on your iPhone, and talk about golf.
15/04/1623m 25s

The Office Spitter

The fun way to monitor air pollution and deal with an annoying co-worker.
08/04/1615m 20s


How to defeat the Nazis and wind the Great Clock.
31/03/1618m 40s

Long Distance

We talk to astronauts on the International Space Station, and help name a burrito restaurant here on earth.
25/03/1615m 35s

Headphones Recommended For This Episode

How to start your day and clean the ceiling.
18/03/1621m 32s

Crooked Letter Humpback

How to tell the presidential candidates apart and count seconds effectively.
11/03/1621m 7s

Bum Bum Bum Bummmmmm

How to actually enjoy yourself at the symphony, and sneak your name into your favorite TV show.
05/03/1619m 37s

Love & Basketball

This episode has nothing to do with the movie "Love & Basketball."
26/02/1616m 19s

Science Hotline Bling

Special guest Nick Offerman solves your biggest problem, and who to call when a killer asteroid is on its way.
19/02/1615m 53s

The Axe Effect

How to make your food taste sweeter, and valentines that say Be Someone Else's.
12/02/1617m 5s

Leave a Message at the Beep

How to leave a message, send a message, and destroy drones.
05/02/1624m 39s

NASCAR & Donald Trump

Boy, that title makes it seem like a different show this week. Note: this podcast contains no actual Donald Trump.
29/01/1615m 20s

Henry & Robbie

How to make s'mores in the most dangerous way possible, and how to make s'peace with your rooster.
22/01/1617m 57s


How to sleep with the fishes and live like El Chapo.
16/01/1621m 41s

Bulls, Bears, Elks and Peters

How to talk about the stock market, get an elk out of your basement, and spoil SpaghettiOs.
08/01/1621m 27s

Goodnight Goose

How to deter thieves, tell a bedtime story, hum a song, and find sunken treasure.
18/12/1527m 55s

All I Want For Christmas Is Poo

How to celebrate Christmas in Catalonia, ruin French toast, and get a seat on the subway.
11/12/1518m 29s

The Pants-Splitting Index

How to find giant insects, serve eggnog, and welcome extraterrestrials.
03/12/1517m 23s

Thanksgiving Dinner

How to always win the wishbone pull, dodge awkward dinner conversations, and eat as much as possible.
25/11/1516m 58s

Trash Talk & Art

How to distract someone you love, and a surprising discovery in Queen Elizabeth's art collection.
19/11/1515m 10s

Thumbs Up!

How to smuggle a live chicken, frighten your dentist, and hitchhike offensively.
13/11/1524m 8s

The President of Sniffing

How to stay awake during meetings, look sexy in a safety vest, and really smell something.
06/11/1523m 32s

Buried Alive!

How to escape when you've been buried alive, and more. If you've been buried alive, though, just call 911 and listen to the episode later.
29/10/1512m 1s

The Tooth Mouse

How to throw a really unsettling punch, scare someone, and delight children around the world.
23/10/1520m 14s

Plenty of Fish and Davids

How to survive a breakup, keep your bike from getting stolen, and count Davids.
14/10/1516m 38s

Death From Above

How to defend yourself against monsters, lend money properly, and play a game of Crud. Also: a correction.
07/10/1516m 48s

The World's Largest Grilled Cheese

This week, we provide assistance to the Russian Government, and to two small children.
30/09/1520m 26s

Welcome, Pope Francis!

Pope Francis is visiting the US this week. We help him act like a local.
22/09/1521m 32s

The Dog Has Something To Tell You

How to take a photograph of your cat, talk to your dog, talk to a British person, and talk to a British dog.
17/09/1524m 56s

Planet, Money

How much money is there on the planet? We investigate.
03/09/158m 17s

All About Spike

Ian visits a corpse flower, a stinky jungle plant which has been waiting 12 years to bloom.
30/08/159m 5s


We talk about the weather, but not in a boring way. We hope.
20/08/1512m 54s

Sheep, Spiders, and Jenga

How to send secret messages, heal your wounds, and more.
14/08/1518m 36s

Stay Cool

How to stay cool in the summertime, and salt your food without salt.
07/08/1514m 38s

Baby Names and Outhouses

This week we tell you how to choose the best name ever for your baby and investigate an old outhouse mystery.
31/07/1523m 6s

We Don't Want To Startle You

A listener wants to know how not to get startled. Ian and Mike either help or make it worse.
15/07/1510m 43s

Hat Tricks and Sirens

This week we tell you how to get a fancy free hat and freak out your entire town.
09/07/1516m 1s

Sonia Sotomayor and Some Other Things

We listen back to our interview with Sonia Sotomayor, we cure brain freeze, and the Fonz himself helps you look cool.
01/07/1523m 39s

Out of the Office

Ian and Mike are out of the office. They talk about it, then they change the world, then they play some old segments.
26/06/1526m 45s

The Song of the Scrub-Jay

How to defeat your winged enemies and prove how good you are at the bongos.
19/06/1516m 42s

The Ericpalooza

How to take beautiful photographs of your cat, and how to digest your food. Plus, we say goodbye to a beloved colleague. Not Gillian. We already said goodbye to Gillian.
10/06/1515m 50s

We've Got Our Fingers In A Lot of Pies

How to conduct yourself around pie, and how to name your bird.
03/06/1514m 1s

Micropigs and Fossils

We help you relax, and help you become a fossil. Plus, some words of encouragement as you enter the final days of the exclamation point fast.
20/05/1517m 19s

Braying Donkeys and Braying Modems

How to make sense of what your computer is saying, make an uneasy pengiun comfortable, and use up old newspapers. Plus we have a tip to get you through the last week of our Exclamation Point Fast.
13/05/1521m 20s

Small Talk and Penguins

We help endangered penguins carry on their species, and we help you make small talk with kids. Plus: our Exclamation Point Fast continues, with catastrophic results.
05/05/1516m 45s

Mountaintops and Nosebleeds

How to make a mountain shorter and a new use for bacon. Plus, we check in on our exclamation point fast.
28/04/1520m 41s

F-Bombs, Chicken, and Exclamation Points

How to find alternatives for the f-word, cook your chicken in the most spectacular way possible, and stop using exclamation points! That was our last one.
21/04/1518m 47s

High Five!

How to celebrate without getting everyone else sick and the fastest way to get published in the New York Times.
14/04/1521m 9s

Stunt Baby and The Dog Olympics

How to make your pregnancy more exciting and the Olympics more competitive.
07/04/1523m 21s

Wake Up and Eat Birthday Cake

How to wake up, celebrate your birthday properly, and shoot a free throw. This is not an April Fool's Day episode. Were we supposed to do an April Fool's Day episode?
02/04/1516m 27s

Cheetah Allen and The Kiss of Death

How to become Cheetah Boy, and a warning about lipstick.
25/03/1519m 47s

Milk & Asparagus

How to get the milk you want and deserve, and the truth about asparagus.
17/03/1522m 14s

Cows & Noses

A cow is rescued, and a nose is picked.
10/03/1515m 18s

Babies vs. Winter

How to beat the winter, find love, and make the Olympic team.
04/03/1526m 2s

Kissing With Braces and Falling Ice

We help you get unstuck and survive your walk to work.
24/02/1514m 34s

Theater Butts

This week we help you find your seat without bothering the people around you.
17/02/158m 20s

Rally & Bluff

How to drive a rally car, bluff convincingly, and look pretty when you get your picture taken.
10/02/1522m 51s

Biweekly Shark Butts

This week, how to never miss a meeting, decide if your shark needs pants, and more.
04/02/1520m 46s

Cereal and The Super Big Sports Game

How to keep your cereal from getting soggy, and we make a very interesting dip for the big sporting event with the misshapen ball that will be played on Sunday and shall not be named.
27/01/1513m 52s

Laps & Laptops

How to stop that email you shouldn't have sent, and how to swim a lap. Plus: a friend in need is a friend indeed.
21/01/1520m 9s


This week we solve an age-old spinach mystery and help out the FBI. Plus football predictions from Gillian!
14/01/1525m 23s

Clues and Legos

How to crack a case, and how to build a really, really, really big Lego model.
06/01/1517m 30s

This Episode Is Only For Cows

This episode is only for cows. Humans are advised to skip this and listen to one of our many human-focused episodes instead.

Less Cowbell

Cows, it turns out, hate the sound of cowbells. We try and help out our bovine friends.

Santa Claus, Ninjas and Fruitcake Toss Day

This week a Ninja Master gives Santa some tips on sneaking around and how to make 2015 the best year ever.

Hair and Apostrophes

A listener is getting laser hair removal, and it hurts. A lot. Mike and Ian help her deal with the pain, with some help from the toughest people they could find.

The Punch

This week we tell you how to punch someone in the face without hurting anyone and get solar power the Jackie Chan way.

Thanksgiving Leftovers

We're out of the office this week, but we've put together a few Thanksgiving-ish howtos from past shows.

Choose Your Own Adventure

How to survive family time this Thanksgiving. Plus, the moving walkway is coming to an end.

Sweat & Comic Sans

How to find all those typoos you made, and how they test out those wicking t-shirts.

Physical Chess

We do our best to help out Josiah, who needs to beat a much stronger guy in arm wrestling. Also: nocturnal sneezing.

How To Boo Everything

A special Halloween episode with lots of zombies and scary things.

A Man and His Bike

How to get service at a restaurant and a man learns to ride a bike without training wheels.

The Diplomat & The Goatherd

How to correct someone gracefully, and how to mow your lawn without a lawnmower.

Sialoquents and Pricklouses

How to get the most out of your root beer, insult people from ancient times and make peace with that sneezy guy on the train.

The Bustle In Your Hedgerow

How to predict the winter, describe the taste of bubblegum, and park your blimp safely.

Doodles, Names, and Best Boys

How to make sense of the credits at the end of a movie, doodle old school, and how companies choose the names for people in their ads.

Gin and Garbage

How to freshen up with gin and we solve a stinky mystery.

Dinosaur Shirts, ATM Fees and The Flavor of Names

How to dress your Dreadnaughtus; avoid ATM fees and taste somebody's name.

The Very Large Cat

Mike and Ian help you with a common pet problem. Also, they've missed you, by the way.

Summer Vacation Postcard #2

Ian takes a visit to the National Ice Core Lab in Colorado, where they store all those thousand-year-old ice cores they pull out of Antarctica.

Summer Vacation Postcard #1

How not to get lost in the wild. A quick tip from our summer break.

The Noid

We're on the road this week, so just a short show for you. But we will tell you the strange, tragic story of The Noid, the old Domino's Pizza mascot from the 80s.

Shipwrecked Legos and Eating Crickets

This week we tell you how to turn beach trip into a treasure hunt and how to snack on crickets.

Babies and Emergencies

How to travel with your baby, and what to do when you've really, really got to go.

Scoreboards, Scanners and Southwest

Life inside a scoreboard and how to find the best seat on your next flight.

Water, Hawks, and 24

How to get your very own bottled water past a TSA checkpoint, defend your international tennis tournament from varmints, and protect the President.

Meatballs, Manatees, and More

How to make sense of a buffet, jump out of a plane, and swim like a manatee.

Moments, Ounces and Atoms

We tell you the worst way to clean your chimney, how to take moment and the one thing you should be scared of this week.

Reclaiming Poindexter

How to prepare for the World Cup, and how to tell your parents you're getting married. Plus: the moon, the tides, and a man who wasn't entirely happy with a recent episode of "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me."

Human Feet and Graham Crackers

How to have less fun at the beach, and how to enjoy graham crackers.

Dr. Down, Whales and Something Scary

How to introduce yourself, get rid of that whale on the beach, plus the one thing you should be afraid of this week.

The Meat Pi?ata

The inside story on the greatest burp ever burped, how wild animals celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and more.

The Gilligan Rule

Breaking Bad's Vince Gilligan determines exactly how long people need to wait before talking about spoilers, Mary Roach helps a listener with a fart-related question, and more.

Dinosaur Baths and Hot Enchiladas

This week we tell you how to bathe your T.rex and eat your lunch without burning yourself.

Peeps, Dolphins, and Video Games

How to get rid of those leftover Marshmallow Peeps, make good use of your pet dolphin, and play video games forever.

Mr Hand, Curveballs and Flaming Doritos

This week we tell you how to make a rat laugh, throw a better breaking ball and start a fire with snacks.

Yes, No, and Present

How to avoid a bad bee sting, get back at bad Facebook posters, and look cool when you're carrying a Trapper Keeper.

Frozen, Floods and Chips

How to open a bag of chips, save all the animals and go up to bat. Plus, Jeff Garlin tells us how to pick the perfect Christmas tree.

Driving, Sneezing and Zombie Cologne

This week we tell you how to fool zombies, how to sneeze in the Daytona 500 and we find another reason to love fried shrimp.

Clothes, Dice, and Food

How to save money on clothes without giving up anything but your dignity, minimize the number of fights during Monopoly, and get the excellent restaurant service you don't deserve.

Cologne, Nimrods, and The Chicago River

How to get rid of that perfume you never wear, properly call someone a nimrod, and celebrate St.Patrick's Day Chicago style.

Weather, Cats, and Hockey

How to properly make use of your cat, and how to make it in the NHL. Plus special guest meteorologist Paula Poundstone gives us our first ever weather report.

Groundhog Day, Oscars, and Squat Thrusts

We remember Harold Ramis by learning how the movie Groundhog Day was almost very different, John Lithgow tells us how to play it cool at the Oscars, and we help a listener find love at the gym

Bees, Bees and Cans

This week we learn how to beat a spelling bee, how to talk to bees and a new use for cement.

Verkhoyansk, Hijacking, and Puffy Coats

How to feel better about this freezing winter, and how to prevent a hijacking. Plus, something to think about when you're smashed between two people in puffy coats on the subway.  And if you're playing along at home: it's spelled Verkhoyansk.

Tiny Catapults, The Tug Of War, and Seth: The Human Glacier

This week we tell you how to move like a glacier, write a cartoon musical and lose friends.

Arm Pits, Bunny Boots and Beer Slushies

This week we tell you how to keep your beer from freezing, keep your hands warm at the South Pole and how to talk about the Super Bowl without saying Super Bowl.

Rice Krispies, Names, and Spies

How to deal with an embarrassing name, and how to spy like a lady. Plus, a revelation that may change breakfast forever.

Demons, Tongues and A-Rod

This week we tell you how to pour pulled cod like a pad kid, put out a fire like a frat boy and we help A-Rod figure out what to do this summer.

Electric Kisses and Polar Vortexes

How to take the spark out of your romance, survive the deep freeze, and growl like a radio bear.

Cow To Moo Everything

The great Sir Patrick Stewart, in perhaps the role of his life, helps a listener answer a question about cows.

Tips, Hugs, and Egg Nog

How to get the best possible tip when you're waiting tables, how to hug properly, and Peter Sagal joins us for an Egg Nog taste test.

Autographs, Wrestling, and Babies

How to get an autograph, how to have a baby (but not how to make a baby), and a visit from pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin. Plus: we talk to a couple winners of our Thanksgiving Travel Photo Contest!

Fancy Feathers and The Full Beaver Moon.

This week we tell where Big Bird comes from, how new colors get their names, plus the Full Beaver Moon.

Your Thanksgiving Survival Kit

A game to make horrible holiday travel slightly less horrible, political strategist David Axelrod helps you dodge those awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversations, and more.

Love in Outer Space, Pressed Pants and The Humping Dog

This week an astronaut tells you how to have a long distance relationship, how to press your pants when taking a nap and how to spoon.

Shipping, Basketball, and Wind

How to ship a package in a way that will lessen the likelihood it gets destroyed, score an eight pointer when you’re playing basketball, and measure the wind. Plus: wordsearch winners!

Coasters, Word Searches and Swearing

How to get free coasters, curse across the world and avoid offending people with your word search. Plus, one last Toilet of the Week.

Batholiths, Milk and The Full Riker

How to tell your rock formations apart, introduce yourself to the wonderful world of Star Trek, and do a body good. Plus: a portable Toilet of the Week!

Hal Needham, 1931-2013

Hal Needham, our favorite stuntman, died Friday at 82. He did stunts in more than 300 films, directed "Smokey and the Bandit" and "The Cannonball Run," won an Honorary Oscar last year, got a lot of speeding tickets, and broke a lot of bones. He was a regular guest on our show, and here we listen back to a few of our favorite moments with him.

Spitting Politely, Late Fees and Accordions in Jail

How to survive the food at a bar mitzvah, get out of jail and rack up billions in late fees. Plus, a spooky toilet of the week.

Car Stereos, Ticks, and Water

How to protect your valuables, discover a new species, and order water at a restaurant without looking like an idiot. Plus: an international Toilet of the Week!

Stink Fights, Corn Chips and Sour Toes

How to keep your dog safe on roadtrips, fight off a lemur and a trip to the Yukon.

Bees, Baseball and Heisenberg's Blue Meth

How to stop a swarm of bees from ruining your game and a totally legal way to make blue crystal meth.* *not actually crystal meth, but it is blue

Reporting A Tough Story

Washington Post reporter Ian Shapira talks about covering the Navy Yard shooting. And: now that the new iPhone has a fingerprint scanner, you don't have to enter in your password anymore, which saves you almost half a second. We'll tell you a few ways to spend that extra time.

Spoilers, Pronunciation, and Jury Duty

How to avoid spoilers, pronounce a really, really, really long name, and get out of jury duty.

The Christmas Singularity

How to get ready for a tennis match, plan a flea circus, and take a compliment. You look nice today, by the way.

An Unsolved Mystery, The Bagel Tote and Dog Compliments

How to compliment your dog, get your bagel sandwich to work without making a mess and twerking.

Olinguitos, Rock Shoulders and an Awkward Robot

How to discover a new mammal, have the coolest name in baseball and make a robot laugh.

Man-Eating Fish, Rock Stars and a Photo Finish

How to clean up after a rock star and make the call on a photo finish. Plus, a special warning to our listeners in Scandinavia.

Smoking, Stinking and Hypnotizing

How to deal with your smelly roommate using hypnosis or a plant.

How To Move Your Gigantic Magnet

This week we join the crew from Fermi Lab on the final leg of their electromagnetic road trip.

Smuggling, Ponies and Ice Cream

How to sound intelligent at the race track and smuggle money across the border. Plus, Peter Sagal tries your ice cream.

Poodles and Noodles

How to survive on a desert island, name your baby, and pass the time while you're waiting for your baby. Also, we like poodles and noodles.

Magnets, Airports, and Bees

How to move your really, really, really big magnet, survive when your flight get cancelled, and weigh your pet bee. Plus: your Toilet of the Week!

How To Keep Animals From Escaping Your Zoo

This week we tell you how to prepare your zookeepers to deal with a rogue panda.

Monkey Fighters, and Finding A Stranger In The Alps

How to look cool as a cucumber when it’s hot as a something hot outside, and how to make something NSFW into something SFW. Plus: a technologically advanced toilet of the week, and more.

Face-Offs, Ice Cream and You Got Served

How to win in hockey, create a new flavor of ice cream, and another reason to be suspicious of the UPS guy. #HTDE111

Mobsters, Burritos and Goodbyes

This week tell you how to intimadate jurors, pronounce the longest word in Germany and deal with your stinky clothes.

Butter, Demons, and Cheese

How to improve your butter experience 1000%, perform an exorcism, and obtain cheese in the most dangerous way possible. Plus: your Toilet of the Week!

Cicadas, Basketball and Darth Vader

How to cook cicadas and how to be Darth Vader. Plus future NBA stars tell you how to be a basketball fan.

Spies, Patches and Bathtub Reading

This week we tell you how to recruit a double agent, spruce up your uniform and keep your books dry.

Popcorn, Dr. Ruth and the Confidence Chamber

How to enjoy popcorn, survive the Confidence Chamber, and get a good night's sleep - with help from Dr. Ruth.

Beer, One Night Stands and Bleeping Bleep

How to talk beer, write an obituary and make the best of a badly timed one night stand.

Sinkholes, Water Hazards and Construction Workers

This week we tell you how to play golf without wearing any pants, fit in with construction workers and deal with sinkholes.

Movies, Bugs, and Hands

How to keep that guy behind you from talking all the way through the movie, spy on your enemies, and get a job in modeling even if you’ve got a weird face. Plus: our March Madness winner, and a very remote Toilet of the Week!

70 Days in Bed With Howard

How to prepare for a galactic journey.

B2s, Basketball and Romance

How to fly a space age war plane, how to explain love to your dog and a very special toilet of the week. Plus, a March Madness update with Dick Vitale.

Beyonce, Rihanna, and The Talent Show to End All Talent Shows

How to win your elementary school talent show, keep your daughter from making fun of you, and drive as dangerously as possible. Two of these are a good idea.

McNuggets, Donkey Kong, and Drawing

How to make the perfect Chicken McNugget, celebrate the lifting of the NYC Soda Ban, and impress your three-year-old daughter. Plus the great comic book artist Chris Ware helps you learn to draw, and a very contemplative Toilet Of The Week!

Deer, Cars, and Dogs

How to rescue a deer friend or human friend stuck out on the ice, and name your new car. Plus we listen back to an Iditarod dispatch as the great sled dog race goes on in Alaska. Plus: your Toilet of the Week, and we give you nicknames.

Keyboards, Jingles, and Oscars

How to clean your disgusting computer keyboard at work, sit comfortably at an awards show, and Barry Manilow helps a listener write a catchy jingle. Plus: our first ever Human Toilet of the Week!

Chips, Penguins, and Spy Planes

How to open your bag of chips easily, every time, how to keep from falling on the ice, and how to test out your new spy plane. And of course, your Toilet of the Week.

Speeches, Speakers and Chinese Food

How to sit behind the president during the State of the Union Address and you'll never eat Chinese take-out the same again.

Seals and Responses

This week we learn how to create a presidential seal and how to give the official response to the State of the Union Address. Plus, a Toilet of the Week just in time for Mardi Gras.

Heads or Tails

How to cash in at the Super Bowl, camouflage your car, and a very, very special guest helps a listener learn to love baseball. Plus: your toilet of the week!

Photos, Football, and Shrek

How to take a portrait of President Obama, how to play wide receiver in the NFL, and how to take on the role of Shrek in your high school musical. Plus: Producer Blythe goes out into the world to find our Toilet of the Week.

Ponytails, Armstrong, and Frogs

How to make the best ponytail possible, keep your milk from going bad, and use those old Livestrong bracelets you're not wearing anymore. Plus, Saturday Night Live & Portlandia's Fred Armisen comes back to help you with another problem.

Episode 90: Bill Pullman, Bill Paxton, and Gerard Depardieu

How to remember which one's Bill Pullman and which one's Bill Paxton, how to act like a local in Russia, and an international Toilet of the Week. Also, for our Jurassic listeners, how to ride a dinosaur.

Gum & Onions

How to keep from crying when you chop onions, how to finish that joke from Dumb & Dumber, and a childhood fear gets investigated.

Planes, Boats, and Looking Cool

How to test out an airplane, look cool, and set up a classic joke. Plus: our toilet of the week, and the beginning and end of our new segment, "Nautical Notes."

Crash Blossoms, Smuggling, and Standup

How to smuggle drugs across the border (or stop a drug smuggler, if that's more your thing), become a standup comedian, and root for your favorite team. Plus: our toilet of the week!

Power & Hotels

Just a quick show this week as we're on the road, but we will tell you how to charge your phone when you forget your power adapter, and we talk to author Lee Child. He writes the Jack Reacher books, about a guy who pretty much knows how to do everything. Plus: your toilet of the week!

Hecklers, Cheetahs, and Goodbyes

How to face down a heckler, make a movie with a cheetah, and get off the phone. Plus: our first international Toilet of the Week!

The Thanksgiving Episode

How to always win the wishbone pull, and navigate Thanksgiving family drama. Plus: Paula Deen on turkey, and we talk pumpkin pie with James Iha of the Smashing Pumpkins. Seriously.

Bumper Stickers, Scandals, and Bugs

How to get a bumper sticker off your car, find a suitable substitute during a cockroach shortage (this is something that happens, apparently), and read a woman’s t-shirt without looking like a creep. Plus, Carl Bernstein, of Woodward and Bernstein, helps us put a name on the Petraeus Scandal.

Skeuomorphs, Hurricanes, and Showtunes

How to stop a hurricane and win every single swing state. Plus the lovely Kristin Chenoweth helps you sing a showtune, with assistance from another very special guest.

Apple, Baseball, and Halloween

A look inside the Apple Store Employee Manual, how to enjoy the World Series if you’re like Ian and you don’t know a thing about baseball, and how to make a good Halloween costume.

Lunch, Art, Cows, and Miracles

How to always remember your lunch, steal a million dollar painting, hang out with a farmer, and more. Plus: our Toilet of the Week.

Cupcakes, S'mores, Plants, and Toilets

How to eat a cupcake, make s’mores properly, and maybe, just maybe, help your plants grow. Plus, our Toilet Of The Week!

Public Toilets, Debate Prep and Nintendo

We tell you how to prepare for your presidential debate, fix your old Nintendo games and begin our most ambitious project ever.

Rompers, Sloshing, and Announcing

How to dress for the office, keep coffee off your pants, and take over the mic at a volleyball game. Plus: why you always lose at crane games.

Pocket Squares, Mustaches and Secret Videos

This week we learn how to care for a new mustache, pick a pocket square and recover from an embarrassing video.

Strikes and Alibis

How to lie about your secret mission and talk about strikes. Plus info about the How To meetup in Atlanta.

Corn, Refs, and Ikea

How to get your corn off the cob, ref an NFL game, name your modern Swedish furniture, and more!

The Only Olympics Guide You'll Ever Need

With how to advice from: Sir Patrick Stewart, US Olympian Matt Tegenkamp, New Zealand Olympian Quentin Rew, Nigerian Olympian Koko Archibong, Australian Olympian Russel Mark, Senator and Olympic Gold Medalist Bill Bradley, Canadian Curler Kristie Moore, and more.

Treasure, Vetting, and Zombies

How to save money at an outdoor music festival, zombie-proof your car, and become a Blue Man. Plus, Governor Evan Bayh tells us how to survive the VP vetting process.

Some Old Segments You Might Like

Mike and Ian are out of the office this week. But we went way back to the early episodes to find the old segments we’re actually not embarrassed of! If you’ve heard every episode, maybe skip this. But if you’re a new listener, we’ll tell you how to act around celebrities, how to run for office, how to bring a stale bagel back to life, and more. See you next week with the regular new stuff.
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