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Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

The world's first podcast dedicated to the ancient art of Stone Clearing (removing stones from a field and using them for better purpose), presented by Richard Herring.

Comedy.co.uk

Wake Up, Fleepyheadf. It's 11.55am on 17th December and as a Christmas treat/punishment Rich is returning to the Stocean after a 10 month absence for another Stone Clear. Will the field still be there? Will there be any stones? What medieval songs shall Richard sing? How many plastic bags will be mistake for stones? Has the Stone Stasi been lulled into a false sense of security? Will you be able to listen to him doing a wee? These questions will all be asked. Plus another victory for the Brexit ditch and a surprisingly modern attitude is revealed for a traditional stone clearer.

Chapter 184

Chapter 183, Banana Ftone: It's around about 10am on 12th February and a Soleroless Richard Herring feels he is going mad. Can you see which stone in the picture he thinks resembles a banana? I bet you get it wrong. Anyway it's a quick jaunt round the Stocean, made even quicker by the removal of a 5 minute conversation with a member of the Stone Stasi, who fell for Richard's non-dog walking lies. But there's still loads of great content in this brief podcast, but whatever it is I can't remember what it is, writing this as I am about 29 hours later. To sponsor Richard head to http://justgiving.com/page/nolero

Chapter 183

Stone Clearing Chapter 182 - Fane January Hare. It's 9.20am on January 30th 2025 and Rich and Wolife had returned to their old manor to clear stones or bring them back on the field, depending on which one you're talking about. The Stocean has a moft unufual fifh fwimming in it and there are warnings about licking stones, but otherwise this one is mainly a waste of your valuable time. Unlike the other chapters. Plus Rich wrongly thinks the recording has stopped and you get some nice free traffic noise.
To donate to the No Solero February fund head here: https://www.justgiving.com/page/nolero

Chapter 182

Chapter 181 - Fponfered By Tafkmafter? - It's 8.50am on 17th January 2025 and the old team if back together, though one of them has had an accident in the car (no fpoilers). There's enough proof of the existence of the Ftone Gods to the most hard-hearted, tranfphobic atheift or idiot who believes in any other religion. There'f fome fly work from the ftone ftafi and a potential attack from the black dog of depreffion and the rebuilding of wallf. There'f furprifing big ftones in the pathway, a brand new technique for clearing ftones and more questionf about whether Wolfie is tipping off the FF. Can the Brexit Ditch ftop Trump? Will Rich remember the bag full of fhit? What fongs fhall he fing? And will you learn Anglo Faxon in time to keep up with epifode 200?

Chapter 181

Chapter 180: Forry, Not Forry, Luton, you Fcum. It's 8.06am on 10th January 2025 and the new year brings a welcome return of and to the podcast. Look who is here. It's ice cold out there on the frozen vulva of the Ftocean, but ftones must still be cleared. The FF have returned in force and it looks like this might be the end for our hero (presuming you're on Richard's side), but can he escape their clutches? There's no Morlocks or logdogs, but there are pink planes and fairies being consumed by canines and a surprising amount of stones cleared given the frost and opposition.

Chapter 180

Chapter 179 - Rabbit Ftone. It's the morning of the 16th December 2024 and a clearly befuddled and confused Herring is doing another stone clear directly after a tough personal training session and seems to lose all sense of what is right and wrong and claims to be committing acts of groff indecency. But some lovely songs and a sense of danger as he feels he may collapse at any second. If he does, please inform the emergency services.

Chapter 179

Chapter 178 - Ftone Pigeon. It's just after midday on the 5th December 2024 and an exhausted and financially burdened Richard Herring tries to escape the real world by building castles in the sky or walls in the bushes. Nothing of interest or worth happens for the next 25 minutes, but you know you have to liften just in case. And in truth there are some beautiful songs, though one of them is just improvised on the spot. Amazing.

Chapter 178

Chapter One Feven Feven - Fexifm. It's just gone midday on 21st November 2024 and a toned Richard Herring, straight from a perfonal training feffion, is out clearing stones from the melting frozen vulva of the soil. Desperate for new listeners to replace the ones who have died from boredom he tries to emulate Peter Kay, Bernard Manning and Ricky Gervais to bring in the clicks, but will it work or will it alienate his two female listeners. No matter, there's some lovely stone clearing to listen to and it's a beautiful day so soak in the winter sun rays (audio only) and liften to the ftones.

Chapter 177

Chapter 176 - Ye Ten Commandmentf. It's the morning of the 15th November 2024 and Richard has returned to the Stocean, but there's someone missing. And there's loads of blinking stones. Madrigals and commandments proliferate and there's a break down in the recording but you don't miss much. Plus should we judge people by their crimes or their stone clearing. Plus the millions of emails Richard has had about the podcast stopping.

Chapter 176

Chapter 175 - Ftanding on ye Fhoulderf of Nerdf. It's 8.05am on the 26th September and tomorrow Richard moves a good 5 miles away from the Stocean, a distance that might mean he can never return here again. Will he clear all the stones today? Well with a little help from the Gods, who knows? Has the six plus years out on the field made any difference to the grand scheme of things? Will stone clearing fans be fuicidal? Did Wolfie do a poo today? These are all questions that you will have to ruminate on. But if this is the final curtain then thanks to the many millions all over the world who have learned from a master. You know, in a way, you have taught me as much as I have taught you.

Chapter 175

Chapter 174 - Ozymandiuf (Part II). It's 2.08pm on 21st September 2024 and a worried Richard Herring is out trying to get this job done before he moves in six days. It's not looking that good. The Stone Stasi, depleted by Covid, send a couple of kids out to do an adult's job, but they are no match for Richard Herring. Is it better to leave a couple of feet behind or nothing at all? What the hell has Wolfie been eating? And what's that thing out on the field? None of these questions or answered and are barely even asked. A listener email is full of embarrassing effusive praise, but at least the person who sent it kept their top on.
Become a badger here: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges
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Chapter 174

Chapter 173 - Ftone Phalluf. It's 7.20am on 18th September 2024 and Richard is out on what might be his penultimate podcast (surely he will make the five mile trip to carry on in the unlikely event that he doesn't finish the job by the end of next week). Today we look at the problem of soil coloured stones and stone like soil clumps, the irresistible lure of Hafflehoffing when you have a newly tilled field, some amazing chunks of rock, Wolfie returning stones to the field maybe as revenge for being hit in the face by a Fubbuteo kick, not biting off more than you can chew and a symbolic moment where a stone breaks in a mocking/sympathetic manner.

Chapter 173

Chapter 172 - Fticky Fingerf. It's 5.36pm on 10th September 2024 - don't worry, you haven't missed 9/11 - It's a grey and rainy autumn day, but we know all about feafons after so many years of trudging these ftone encrufted paths. There's a deadline to clear the Stocean now - the last Friday of the month, but Rich seems to think he can finish the job in time, when he isn't being distracted by his priapic prey. God knows what he'll do if he doesn't finish or more worryingly what he might do if he does. Stick with him and join his fubftack https://richardherring.substack.com/subscribe for possibly extra stone based content.

Chapter 172

Chapter 171: Parabola? Parabola?! It's about 9.20am on 30th August 2024 and Richard hasn't moved yet, so stone clearing can still go on. The Stocean is turning from brown to green and Richard has strict rules about removing soil and the perfect kick technique to share with you. Should he clear the field metre by metre? What does he say to the Stone Stasi lady and why does he have to censor it? And does he like stones? Find out some of this in today's chapter.

Subsribe of Fubftack here: https://richardherring.substack.com
See eBay items here: https://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/herring1967

Chapter 171

Chapter 170 - Balloonf and Ballf. It's 9:08am on the 19th August 2024 and the early morning is warm, the kind of conditions where a stone clearer could pass out and go missing for weeks. But the good news is that full Ftone Chriftmaf has finally arrived and the stones are there for the taking. So for the first time in a long time, the Charley Boorman lookalike takes the long way round to see just how many stones he needs to shift in the next few weeks. It's not none. Not yet. Can he clear a billion stones in a month. If anyone can it's him. And you're going to love to listen to 50 flipping minutes of him clearing stones right now. Because who wouldn't?

Find out about Richard's new Substack here https://richardherring.substack.com/about

Chapter 170

Chapter 169 - Ftone Potatoef. It's nearly 6pm on 14th August 2024 and the Stone Clearing podcast is not coming to an end as quickly as Richard thought. There's at least a month to go, which is lucky, because it's Ftone Chriftmaf, waffocks! At last, after months of puny stones we have something to get our teeth into, which is tempting as some of them look so delicious. There's some tips on haffelhoffing and a new rule (there are no rules) about only travelling in one direction and an email from a famous person but you won't guess who in a million years. Thank goodness there's another 3-4 weeks to get this job done.

Chapter 169

Chapter 168 - A Puff of Fmoke. It's nearly 6pm on the 30th July 2024 and we've learned by now with stone clearing to expect the unexpected, but no one could have expected the unexpected thing that happens today. Which is why you need 168 lessons on how to clear stones, because of all the unexpected stuff that can happen. Where did the unexpected thing come from and what does it mean?

Chapter 168

Chapter 167 - Fkidmarkf. It feels like only yesterday we last did this, because it is. It's just before 6pm on 22nd July 2024 and there's big news out on the Stocean. Fadly you miffed ye joyriderf, but even more exciting, ye crop fhe if gone. Richard wifhed it and fo it muft be fhall. Will throes of all the rape plants mean that the stones are finally accessible? Or will there be loads of straw in the way? And will we see the first large stone for quite some time? Plus an email from a much missed actor, who had the foresight to email in, but not the present-sight to go to the doctors.

Chapter 167

Chapter One Fix Fix - Fifyphean Fubbuteo Fuccubuf. It's 1.05pm on 21st July 2024 and the fun is fhining and Richard is starting to worry that he may not clear the field in time and is worried about the consequences of that failure. But there's probably still time and if not there is still time to learn some new stone-clearing terms. But there are big changes on the field, with a destroyed boundary and some kind of animal burrowing beneath one cairn and the ever present danger of death by hemlock or feduction by the ftone ftafi. Plus why Richard wants stone clearing to be inclusive of all people.

Chapter 166

Chapter 165 - Ftone Pole Fail. It's 5.10pm approx on 15th July 2024 and the end of stone clearing steps ever nearer, but that has always been the case, that's the nature of time. It's another disappointing clear as Richard is hampered by vegetation and lack of fitness and peanuts in his throat. But you have to liften anyway. Juft in cafe fome pearl of wifdom droppeth from his ftupid mouth. Just be glad you don't live in America where the FF don't kill in an honourable fafhion.

Chapter 165

Chapter 164 - Fodden. It's 5.24pm on 9th July 2024 and Richard Herring is on the cusp of his 57th birthday (do not send him nude pictures to celebrate) and has only a couple of weeks to go to clear the Stocean. Can he do it in time or will he have to commute? The rape seed pods have an unexpected and sexy (to perverts) surprise for Richard and the ditch has finally delivered big. It's good that we only do this podcast every now and again so that the quality stays very high.

Chapter 164

Chapter 163 - Going for Ftones!. It's 9:20am on 21st June 2024 and the spectre of the end of the podcast hangs over us all, but for now we plough on (no pun intended as this is a feriouf podcaft). There's medieval fongs and some dog poo and the possibility that Richard has been tricked into advertising someone during this chapter. It's very hot and the hemlock is scratchy and the stones are tiny. So bufineff as ufual.

Chapter 163

Chapter 162 - Mega Chocolate Button Madneff. It's the evening of 5th June 2024 and Richard Herring is high on life, but more pertinently high on chocolate buttons and the result is a podcast so unhinged that my first impetus was that no one must ever hear it. But in the end I think it's an important podcast to put out to warn younger listeners of the dangers of chocolate button addiction. Things are said that should not be said in a public place, but luckily they are said here on a podcast that no one listens to, so it's the same as just shouting them in the middle of a rapeseed field. Hardly any stones are cleared, just a man questioning if his life has had any purpose. And his life has almost certainly had more purpose than yours. So where does that leave you? Is it time to stage an intervention? And if so, who first? Me or you?

Chapter 162

Chapter 161 - Keir Ftarmer - It's 8.40am on 30th May 2024 and Richard Herring's sanity is resting on a knife edge, but join him as he sings too many medieval songs and tells you not to vote Labour and gives a preview of his new podcast about dog fhit. Do you need to send help? Are you even listening? If a podcast is made in a field of hemlock and no one downloads it, does it make a sound? What's the poem with hemlock in it?

You can bid for stone-clearing items on eBay here: https://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/herring1967

Chapter 161

Chapter 160 - White Dog Fhit. It's about 8.44am on 16th May 2024 and Richard's brain seems to be gradually atrophying into sludge. There isn't much time left for this ftocean but Herring is determined to Get Stone-Clearing Done. And at least 25 stones get nicely cleared during this fairly fcatalogical podcast. Why is he wasting his time doing this and why are you wasting it listening to it? We would have wasted it anyway.

Chapter 160

Chapter 159 - Buffineff Af Ufual. It's 16.48 on 1st May and there are a lot of stones to clear between now and our August deadline and that's without having a dog with the squits, a child with scarlet fever and a weird dizziness. But the stones must be cleared and boy are about 23 of them cleared today? Yes they are. Will rape seed ever be renamed? Can it hurt a dog? And how big is a gorilla's penis? All questions that are posed without being answered today. And great news for all fans of San Franciscan wrestlers/Batman villains.

Chapter 159

Chapter 158, Fame Coin, Different Fides. It's 9.01am on 24th April 2024 and a giddy Richard Herring is heading out to the Ftocean, desperate to finish his task before it is too late. And don't skip this one, it includes some important info on what to do with stones that are to your left or right and a desperate plea to make love to a man in a flat cap and a woman in a bobble hat, plus a memory test about leaders of the Liberal Democrats. The Ftone Pole is back and we're in a rape maze, so it really has everything.

Chapter 158

Chapter 157 - Ye Ftone Fettee. It's 8.38am on 18th April 2024 and the first recorded stone clear in almost two months, so most of the podcast is the reading out of the thousands of aggrieved emails that Richard definitely got about his absence, not none like you thought. The end may be in sight though for the podcast, but that is not a reason to give up on life, for your faviour might return at any time if you believe in him enough. Plus a dog fight (unrecorded).

Chapter 157

Chapter 156 - Deadline. It's 17 o'clock or so on 20th February 2024 and after daily podcasting in 2023 this is the first recorded clear of the year and the FF are out in force. Is the end in fight? And why do all the cairns look so unimpressive after all this work?

Chapter 156

Chapter 155: Breezy Penif. It's just after 2pm on 20th December 2023 and a pyjama-clad Herring is doing what he does best, clearing stones and inexpertly commenting on it. There's a medieval fong and foggy focks and an attempt to recover the lost WhatsApp messages as well as some news about the birth date of Jefuf and whether ftone clearing might be coming to an end.

Chapter 155

Chapter 154 - Moff. It's lunchtime on 29th November 2023 and it's a bit of a tired clear as Richard has just been for a run. Still nothing in this podcast happens by accident and there's a leffon here for you all. So make sure you listen to it all!

Chapter 154

Chapter 153: Frifky Bufineff. It's 5.24pm on 7th November 2023 and it's DARK. Too dark to see a stone, especially if your torch runs out of power. Richard is feeling frisky, but luckily there are no FF on the Stocean to help relieve him of this sexual tension. There's singing, there's fexineff and there are very few stones cleared.

Chapter 153

Chapter 152 - Get Back In Your Rembrandt Painting. It's around 9.30am on 25th October 2023 and the daily stone clears continue. The Stone Stasi are back in force, but who started this war and is it a case of right and wrong or more nuanced that that? NO, the stone clearers are good and the stone Stasi are evil. Plus a look at the strangely altered cairn in the middle of the field, a celebrity visitation and some excellent rule breaking. Sadly the recording ended unexpectedly about five minutes from the end of the clear and you miss some absolute gold. Cheg on.

Chapter 152

Chapter 151 - Welly Boot Jeopardy. It's before 5pm on the 12th October 2023 and Rich is hoping Duckett's Passage is open for business cos he has some stones to clear. It's a super eventful clear with football managers of undetermined gender and sex-swapped sex-criminals and birds composing symphonies on the telephone lines. Plus will Rich come a cropper as he tries to empty his welly? And how many rules will he break and how sexy will you find it? For those of you who thought the format was stale, liften to the fucking ftones, my friend.

Chapter 151

Chapter 150 - Fticks and Ftones. It's 4.22pm on 5th October 2023 and there's very bad news for the believers in the Alpha and Omega God or those that think the Stocean can only be accessed by a portal and for those who want to hear a man talking about stones, not about walking along a street. Eventually there is some stone clearing, but it's not very good and a go on the stone pole, but then there's more non-stone stuff and all in all it's a disappointing chapter given the momentous occasion of making a hundred and half a hundred chapters. The FF win again.

Chapter 150

Chapter 149: The Alfred Jewel. It's 8.22am on 29th September 2023 and the daily stone clearing podcasts continue. The sky is grey and the ground is damp and it should be perfect stone clearing conditions, but a sudden influx of FF working in a pincer movement prove disruptive and potentially fatal. Richard still manages to clear a Hermione handful of stones though and provides wisdom about how far you can throw a small stone in blustery conditions, plus alludes to the work of Jefuf and encourages you to give up your jobs to join him in his life of stones.

Chapter 149

Chapter 148 - Flug. It's 5.50ish on 20th September and it's piffing down, but stone clears must clear. Richard mourns the cairn that has gone flat, but vows to rebuild and measures the angle of the rain and moans about wetting his trousers, but his advice about the stone diet and how to get net zero nice and quickly. Mainly by everyone following the stone diet.

Chapter 148

Chapter 147 - Ye Great Walle of Ftraw. It's coming up to 5.30pm on 16th August 2023 and the daily clear continues, but with a difference (apart from the last two or three days) - the crop has been harvested and Haffelhoffing is once again possible. There are still dangers and difficulties - straw lies on the ground like snow and their are walls that must be climbed and a holy shrine has been desecrated, but the earth shall provide bounty to those who clear stones and sing the stone clearer song.

Chapter 147

Chapter 146 Crop Circlef - It's 1.30pm on the 10th August 2023 and the daily stone clearing podcasts are still somehow continuing. Have alien stone clearers come to the Stocean to clear some stones off the very planet? You'll have to liften to find out. Very little stone clearing today, but at least you're not listening to a podcast about whether the sun is out or not. And Richy Soonsacked better watch out cos there's a ditchy sunak coming for him. All the things in this blurb are much more amusing than anything I managed out under the hot, hot Englifh fun.

Chapter 146

Chapter 145 - Ftone Antf. It's some time around 2pm on 20th July 2023 (email for more details) and Richard'f loofe lipf almoft give away where he if really from. But I think he covers it up OK. He has lots of intermediate tips for the quite good stone clearer, including how to avoid stone mushrooms and the terrifying true story of the stone clearer who fell victim to lurking stone ants. Plus more songs and poems than you can shake a stick at, a bit too much about organic material given the remit of this podcast and no new rules.

Chapter 145

Chapter 144 - Difappointing Fcotch Thiftle. It's 6.14pm on Wednesday 5th July 2023 and there's a chance of rain and petrichor, but Richard has had one soaking this week, and is prepared to risk it to emulate a young Theresa May. And he may be quickly out of breath, but he has a new energy that has escaped him for the rest of the year, so it's the partially long way round today. He will teach you how to navigate a pathless Stocean and also the danger of shortening your borders and there's a surprise and a moral at the stone pole (buy tickets to RHLSTP to counteract the curse - http://richardherring.com/rhlstp). It's a great ep to sleep to and nothing really got lost when the recording got paused, so all is as it should be.

Chapter 144

Chapter 143 Fcythe - It's about 6.15pm on 28th June 2023 and Rich is out for his daily podcast. Hard to believe he's kept this up all year. But for the first time you can find out how to apply for an envelope of his gametes. Plus some embarrassment for Wolfie. And a new bone based measuring system. The recording went wrong and Richard attempted to recreate what was lost but with limited success. Still his garden is looking nice.

Chapter 143

Chapter 142: Fhredded Wheat. It's 5.01pm on 25th May 2023 and there's only 7 months to non-stone Christmas, but there are no holidays for stone clearers and this chapter gives those of you who judge the dead something to think about when it comes to the scales of justice. Also explains how difficult it is to clear stones when faced with a beautiful if fleeting, sea of wheat. But the biggest mystery is, what will this chapter be called. Not for you here in the future, but for stupid old Richard Herring, stuck as he will be forever more in this podcast, in a past that has no answers.

Chapter 142

Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef. It's just before 5pm on 19th May and it's time for an evening stone clear for a very tired boy. And it's not unlike that poem by Tennyson but more nettles and fewer cannons. There's plenty of tips for dealing with the dry ground and the high crops and a message from one of the many centenarian listeners. What more do you want? More nettles?

Chapter 141

Chapter 140 Nurfery Rhymef. It's 9.29am on 7th May 2023 and the bunting is flying for King Charles the Turd. Richard has picked up another bug and the stocean is as sodden as an actual ocean, but stone clearing must be done. Richard ponders what the cuffs of trousers are called (it's cuffs if you're interested) and speculates about the genitalia of our new queen (maybe twice depending on when the tape went wrong) and sings a stone pole nursery rhyme which will be familiar to anyone who isn't a millennium. This podcast recognises no organic king, only the stone king.

Chapter 140

Chapter 139, Goffamer. It's 8:15am on 29th April and another day of stone clearing begins. Richard tries to encourage his many teenage fans to enjoy their lives whilst they are young and tries to sort out whether you need to clear teeth from the stocean, plus experiences one of the many dangers of nature that can afflict the inattentive stone clearer. He cheats in the game of human cheff and is nearly discovered at the last minute, but otherwise it's a run of the mill, slightly sexy, stone clear.

Chapter 139

Chapter 138, Ye Long Way, Wrong Way Round. It's 17.25 on 19th April 2023 and The Stone Ftafi play a move that turns the whole stone clearing world back to front and upside down and sends Richard dizzy and thinking life may be about to end. Richard is a maverick and breaks a lot of rules this evening and lets slip about his fecret cairn that can be seen from metres away. It's the difficult ftone clearing feafon of fpring so there is some invaluable advice on how to tell stones from plants. Don't miss it.

Chapter 138

Brown Fingerf. It's nearly 6pm on 12th April 2023 and the daily 2023 podcasts continue with a classic, with some inter-species bodily fluid swapping, the importance of finding a window in the weather, an alliterative Morlock and how to spot a fake stone clearer. Also there are some stones cleared.

Chapter 137

Chapter #136: Burrowing Wolvef and the Daffodilf of Fpring. It's 8.15am on 25th March 2023 and the 2023 daily stone clearing podcasts continue. Fpring hath Fprung, but it only shows the ridiculously of petty organic material and how little we think of our mothers. Plus how to cope with the changing temperatures at different points of the year and why you mustn't (and Richard hasn't) put stones up your bottom.

Chapter 136

Fly Tipper. It's just after lunch on 3rd February 2023 and Richard is upset by what people have put at the edge of his beautiful field. Who would just chuck stuff around willy nilly like that? Today you will find out about the beautiful reminders that stones leave of themselves when they are taken from the field and how you can make more stones out of them. Plus requests for 24 hr a day stone clearing fall on deaf ears. Hopefully Wolfie is OK, but you also get quite a vivid description of one or her movements.

Chapter 135

Chapter 134: When the Foil Turns to Ftone. It's 8.45am on 19th January 2023 and the resolution to do a stone clearing podcast a day this year has not gone too well, but will definitely happen from now on. It's a podcast full of incident, with frozen gates, ground as hard as stone, medieval songs and poems, terrifying new tactics from the Ftone Ftafi and an attack from a muzzled dog. Plus Wolfie seems to be working against me. Loads of great tips on how to deal with frozen ftones and an email from a Scotchman.

Chapter 134

Chapter 133 - Pommel Hat Trick. It's just before 10am on 1st January 2023 - a new year and a new resolution that will keep you full up with stone clearing all year. There's some sneaky work from the Ftone Ftafi and there's some bad news for one section of our listenership, but I don't take the rules and there are no rules. Plus human wee, dog diarrhoea and exciting stone pole action. It's going to be a great new year.

Chapter 133

Chapter 132 - Diplodocuf. It's 8.04am on what might be the 29th December 2022 and it's the last podcast of the year. Today we find out about the double and the importance of the periphery and why Newton's Law of Motion means that stones can not propel themselves, but are capable of steering and a Great Escape. Plus an email in from somewhere that ceased to exist in 2018, which will need its wikipedia entry amended.

Chapter 132

Chapter 131 Berocca Wee - It's about 8.45am on 17th December 2022 and the snow lies deep and crisp and even. Which makes stone clearing pretty tricky. So welcome to an early Pro edition of the podcast where Rich shows what you have to do to clear in these conditions. And a miracle doth come to paff that fhall prove the exiftence of the Ftone Godf thif Chriftmaf. Plus an advance that will change the course of science. Happy Stone Christmas to ye all and to all a good stone.

Chapter 131

Chapter 130 - Pacman. It's 12.53pm on 4th December and it's a rare Sunday lunchtime stone clear. It's intermediate but the odd pro tip might slip through. There's a real email. Which isn't unusual obviously. And then another real email at the end with yet another listener after Richard's gametes. Plus why it's important to have a false family and Rich has an affable chat with a member of the Stone Stasi.

Chapter 130

Chapter 129: Wet Fock. It's 5.25pm on 16th November 2022 which can mean only one thing - Night Clear. In the rain too. Which means you can learn the important technique of picking up wet stones to get the least mud on your finger. Plus a wellington emergency and memories of the night that stone clearing almost killed Richard and his wish for that danger to return.

Chapter 129

Chapter 128 - Brick and China. It's 8:30am on 1st November 2022 and Rich is back to getting fit and back out on the Stocean. There are some hints of the hard level chapters to come, the echelons of stone Heaven and the problems of the periphery. Plus are stones gendered and which ones can you have sex with without being branded a pervert. Rich has a brush with the common man, who he knows respects him and there's some satisfying stream of consciousness as well as a stream of wee. Warning this podcast includes uncensored urination and flagrant Stone Clearing rule breaking.

Chapter 128

Chapter 127 - Fquafhed Hedgehog. It's 8:52am on 26th Feptember 2022 and the Ftocean has seen some changes, but it's not Ftone Chriftmaf yet. Richard mourns a fellow fwimmer in the great Ftocean, but feels he can not say the things he wants to say in this day and age where you can no longer say what you want to say, despite all the people who say this and then say what they want to say anyway. He talks about some rule breaking that he has participated in and then is cut off by a brilliant move in the game of human cheff. The Ftone Ftafi seem to be back with some underhand tricks, but Rich has a few tricks of his own up his fleeves.

Chapter 127

Chapter 126: Chunky Chew Chew! It's nearly 8.30am on the 16th September 2022 and the stones they must be cleared. There's some wonderful olde hymns to the Alpha and Omega Gods and some terrific chunks. If you like chunks this is the chapter for you. But only if you've listened to all previous chapters. Plus another member of a famous family gets in touch, but they're not the most famous family I know. Listeners may be disturbed by the chewing in this podcast, but we have to ensure that only the committed get the fecretf of the ftonef.

Chapter 126

Chapter 125 - No Fex Pleafe, We're Ftone Clearerf. It's after 6pm on 30th August 2022 and Richard is in repentant mood for his giddiness upon his return. There will be no titillation in this episode though (apart from the tit in titillation) and there can be strictly no self-pleasure. There are perils round every corner and an unexpected diversion. Plus maybe they first two minutes could have been edited off. But don't you want the full experience?

Chapter 125

Chapter 124 - Ftone Halloween. It's 8:14am on the 25th August 2022 and after a month of stone rest, Herring is back. Will the Ftocean be clear of crops and if so what wonders shall Herring find? Remember size and hardness is not important in any way, but you always remember the particularly hard ones, plus a stone the size of a child's head, but which child and just general excitement to be back here. The rain will not dampen the fire in stone clearer's heart.

Chapter 124

Chapter 123 - Thiftle Be Ye Laft One of Ye Fummer. It's 5:23pm on 26th July 2022 and the sun is burning hotter than it looks like it'll be and a dehydrated Richard Herring barely manages to clear a stone, let alone talk about it. The thiftles cheer him on his way to Fcotchland and the bramblef magically appear for to give him fuccour. If the Stone Gods will it then we will be back in the autumn for the next infinity chapters of what is still the third most successful stone clearing podcast in the world (excluding New Zealand).

Chapter 123

Chapter 122 - Daify Duke. It's the evening time of 20th July 2022 and after a hiatus the stone clearing podcast is back to tell you how to clear stones when the earth's vagina is baked hard and the crops are thick. In the heat of the summer this is an exceptional sexual chapter and must not be listened to children or adults who don't like to listen to a man talking about being sucked off by stones. Plus the terrible fate of the stones that miss the stone poll. And Rich is nearly caught in the act by his wife. It was worth the wait. Sorry to the thousands of you who have emailed in asking where the podcast had gone.

Chapter 122

Chapter 121 - Fometimef ye ftonef are Filent. It's about 5.15pm on 7th June 2022 and it's been a month since the last podcasted stone clear, so we have to feel our way back together. Stripped back to basics, fighting some of the most difficult conditions known to stone clearers and seeing the sprouting of this year's poppies and thistles that come from where stone friends and enemies fell. It's certainly not insane, what's going on here. That's all that I know.

Chapter 121

Chapter 120 Moifture - It's before 8am on the 4th May 2022 and Richard is off for a second crack at Chapter 120, the first having been recorded from inside his pocket (though attached at the end of this podcast for completists). Rich gets one foot from a possum-playing rabbit, sees a spooky tree, pontificates on water, the enemy of stone and whether he'd rather have sex with a mermaid or a siren. The lost podcast is the best one ever - see what snippets you can pick up from the pocket record. It's like a faded gospel found in a cave.

Chapter 120

Chapter 119 - Horfe. It's just after 8am on the 8th April 2022 and luckily Richard knows the facts about the sun so isn't scared that it's behind clouds. He has discovered strange markings in the crops that might indicate a lost stone clearing community and for the first time in ages he's gone all Charley Boorman and is taking the long way round. The Stone Stasi are quiet, perhaps a bit quiet and then BOOM they hit you with the unexpected. Plus lots of tips about border stones.

Chapter 119

Chapter 118 - Fimile. It's 5.45pm on 31st March 2022 and the ftone gods are fending more terrible weather to blight Richard's attempts. But what is the snow like? There are some talking stones and a bit about daffodils. And another visit from a mysterious figure.

Chapter 118

Chapter One One Feven - I'm Not Faying I'm Jefuf. It's 7.45am on the 9th March 2022 and there's a little bit of a wind going on and Wolfie is making enemies and friends, as we return to the Ftone Ocean for another important chapter in the audio binder that is Stone Clearing. Rich reveals news about lost Fhakefpeare plays and gofpels - how does he know so much about it? I can't say. The cairn that never grows is back and still no bigger and the ditch that had so much success with Brexit turns its powers to World War Three. Plus an entitled stone gets on Richard's nerves. Is it the witterings of an old man or the wise words of the fon of Godf?
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Chapter 117

Chapter One One Fix - Felfridgef. It's 7.45am on 3rd March 2022 and it's time for a nice quiet stone clear. Why don't we just enjoy the views and have less of the yapping? Some stones are cleared, the main cairn is coming along lovely, look and Rich lets you know what he'd do if he was CEO of various companies.

Chapter 116

Chapter 115 - Donald Finden. It's 5.50pm on 20th February 2022 and Richard heads outside and is surprised to see that it's lightly raining. He does not know what is to come. I do not think it is hyperbole to say that what he encounters is as challenging as climbing Everest, but it's been transplanted to the bottom of the Marianas Trench without oxygen or feet. No spoilers but if you are of a nervous disposition or don't want to hear a 54 year-old man calling for his mummy then do not listen to this chapter.

Chapter 115

Chapter 114 - Pink! It's just before midday on 13th February 2022 and after a week amongst the stones of Wales, Richard is back where he belongs, watching a dog poo in a bush. There's a spooky encounter with a goblin baby and the domination of an unusual hue, plus more stone clearing advice for the intermediate stone clearer who probably doesn't yet hear the beautiful voices of the stones.

Chapter 114

Chapter 113 Ftone Fhelf. Richard is confused about the date but it's 26th January 2022 at 5.15pm - it's getting dark, Richard's had Covid and the Stone Stasi are waiting at the first corner, but nothing can stop stone clearing except our inevitable and imminent deaths. Richard is back with more intermediate tips and explains how to turn yourself into a shelf as well as advising you as to where you can put your chocolate fingers. The main cairn is looking nice, but the stone pole is hidden behind massive new plants, so how will that go. Some emails and a trip into Richard's living room are just some of the delights that await you. Why are you still listening? Because you are the best. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

Chapter 113

Chapter 112 - Jefuf Versus Reef-Mogg - It's nearly lunchtime on 27th December and Richard is having more technical issues, especially when he tries to do his bit about Omega versus Omicron which goes missing for the second time in two podcasts. Hopefully it settles down once Firi is turned off because Rich has some messages about the true meaning of Christmas, a celebrity email and a great Pacman analogy which is only slightly spoiled by the bit where he finds the Pacman stone not being recorded. Happy New Year.

Chapter 112

Chapter 111 - Furry Dog Fhit. It's 3.40pm on 21st December 2022 and Richard is taking a look back over a turbulent year for stones of all kinds, plus a seasonal look at which of the seven dwarves Richard would choose to pleasure (with their consent). The Stone Stasi are out in force and somehow manage to interrupt transmission just at the end of the stone pole. We pick up at the Brexit ditch and believe you me, we've lost so absolute gold. Including some stuff about the true meaning of Chriftmaf. Ah well.

Chapter 111

Chapter 110 - Leafy Tricksters - It's just before 6pm on 30th November 2021 and after back pain and bugs, Herring and Dog are back with their hilarious stone-based double act. Includes faffing with taking pictures, trying to open a dog poo bag in the dark and more high-jinx. How much weight of stonage has been removed in the three years this has been going on? Find out by listening to this very informative chapter and imagine how bad the other one he recorded must have been to not be broadcast. Bid on stone based and other cool items here https://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/herring1967/

Chapter 110

Chapter 109 - Path of Conkerf. It's just before 5pm on 14th October 2021 and it's a fine autumn night to visit a freshly ploughed field to clear easy stones that a child could clear. But what should you do when presented with such easy stony booty? You should take care my friends. For the FF are lulling you and Halloween is just around the corner.

Chapter 109

Chapter 108 Quick Fand - It's approaching 6pm on 2nd October and most of you are heading for a night out on the town, but Richard is heading for a night on the Stocean wave to clear some stones in the rain. He will be warning of how you can get sucked off out here on a night like tonight, plus how improper wiping can give you fingers like an ardent stone clearer. So be warned. He pays the price for glory seeking like some kind of Bryan Bramble and ponders on what the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit might have saved us from.

Chapter 108

Moby'f Dick. It's 7.52am on 21st September 2021 and Rich just got some junk from the recycling bin on his fingers, but he doesn't mention it in the chapter as that would be unprofessional. Stone Chriftmaf has arrived and though that makes stone clearing easy, it also leads to psychological problems that every intermediate stone clearer must learn to address and live with. But also some big stones to find and disperse. The FF have been quiet, maybe a bit too quiet and there's a philosophical email to address and some poo to carry around, but apart from that it's pretty much run of the mill.

Chapter 107

Chapter One Hundred and Fix - Fix Geefe A Flying - It's approaching 7pm on the 12th September 2021 and Richard is finally forced to confront the allegations that are flying around the stone clearing world and which you've probably seen mention of on stone clearing message boards or rival stone clearing podcasts (mentioning no names, Brian Bramble). Hopefully you will not judge him too harshly, for he is but a man, with a man's knees. He certainly doesn't let it get in the way of some sublime stone clearing tonight, with a rich seam of new stones revealed and after the harsh Ftone Summer Winter, the first glimpse of Ftone Fpring before Ftone Autumn gives way to proper Ftone Winter. The Feafonf are different out here. It's a clear without FF interference, so just enjoy the stones and the geese and forget about whatever rumours you've heard.

Chapter 106

Field of Gold. It's before 8am on 6th September 2021 and Richard and Wolfie have an event strewn stone clear ahead of them. There have been changes on the Ftocean that just make things harder than before, but that's why you're here, for intermediate advice on how to cope with this and there's tonnes of this. Plus an intervention from a possibly dead celebrity and a callous murder at the end. And more rules than you can shake a stick at.

Chapter 105

Chapter #104: Droopy Penif Earf - It's 8.42am on 1st September 2021 and it's been a while since we've been on the Ftocean. Rich is dizzy, with dizziness, not excitement, but stone clearing is the best medicine, even if the crop reminds you of your genitals. The fabric between alternate universes may be fracturing and some of the listeners may be travelling in time (but no fpoilerf), but otherwise it's business as usual. And a very exciting stone pole too.

Chapter 104

Beardy Thiftle Man - It's late in the evening on the 12th August 2021 and Richard is taking a crepuscular walk around the Stocean, though his path is strangled by crops and wheat. He meets a weird small man on his way who may be the embodiment of a plant and gives you some folk lore about the moon. But it's otherwise a moribund edition of the podcast. But you must listen to it anyway.

Chapter 103

Chapter 102 - Four Bearf. It's 7pm on 29th July 2021 and Richard is out for a calm intermediate stone clear on a spookily quiet evening. The conditions are tough as the crops are dense on one side and the weeds spiky on the other and not many stones can be cleared, but that's why we've moved on beyond the beginners' lessons now. Because stone clearing is TOUGH. There's some fun with diarrhoea and the chapter is slightly truncated as Rich received an email from a 1970s kids' TV star who he couldn't remember the name of and who it turned out at the end of the podcast (when Rich googled him) had died in quite an unpleasant way. I don't know how he managed to email in, but out of a rare burst of sensitivity we've decided to delete the portion of the podcast in which this occurred out of respect for this childhood hero. You can sponsor Rich's half marathon here http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 102

Ye Nettlef and Ye Thiftles. It's just after 8am on 8th July 2021 and things are about to get Intermediate. Do not liften to yif podcaft unleff thou have liftened to all 100 chapterf and ye Fummertime Fpecial. There is some pretty strong stuff in this one and all your preconceptions of stone clearing will be blown away. Plus loads of really good songs. Only for intermediate stone clearers though.

Sponsor Richard here and stave off curses and get better good luck for a year http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 101

Chapter 100 - Ball(f). It's 8.33am on 30th June 2021 and the momentous day has arrived. The final Beginners' Chapter and number 100 (of infinity). There are a few clues of the intermediate stone clearing that is to come, but it's mainly a celebration of stone clearing and gerontophilia. Even the FF are keeping a respectful diftance. Enjoy this whilst you can because things are going to get TOUGH from here on in. Only those with balls can carry on to the next level. You are allowed to count the balls of your feet.

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Support the people who took my ball here: http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 100

Chapter 99 - A Fea of Blood It's around about 5.40pm of the 22nd June 2021 and it's a relaxed evening stone clear as we come to the end of the beginner chapters and start to look forward with apprehension to what the intermediate chapters shall bring. A couple of advanced tips may frighten you, but otherwise it's plain sailing, watched over by the souls of a million fallen stone clearers. When will we fall and join the poppied dead? No one knows when, we only know that it muft come to paff. If you wish to sponsor Richard for his half-marathon run head to http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 99

Chapter 98 - Armiftice Day (with a Bee) It's 8.06am on 9th June 2021 and the 100th chapter is approaching. But is that meaningful or do stones not count? The stocean is so fecund that even the people round the edge of it can get pregnant and the souls of dead stone clearers emerge via poppies, the Stone Stasi may have a dangerous new weapon and the cairns and the stone pole are obscured by nettles. What a time to still be alive. Just. This also includes another chapter 98 from May 18th where the recording went wrong, but you might as well listen to what survives. If you have enjoyed these free podcasts and want to donate to charity, please sponsor Richard here: http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 98

Chapter Ninety-seven - Bubblef - It's 8.30am on 14th May 2021 and it's grey and drizzly, but it's one of the last few beginner chapters and soon we'll be moving on got intermediate stone clearing. So buckle up. For now we're talking about folly fins and the power of the rain to cleanfe the fuperior life formf, where the foul of the stone doth refide and how everything if bubbles. There's a couple of celebrity emails and the name of the blafphemer doth come up for the firft time in a while.

Chapter 97

Chapter Ninety Fix - What's the Point in That if You Don't Know What a Cairn is? - It's 7.45am on the 4th May 2021 and the wind she doth blow. Most of the podcast sounds like a washing up bottle full of pebbles being shaken by a toddler, but you might be able to make out Richard's words of wisdom amongst the mayhem. It'll be worth it, because there's an email from a big celebrity. And though your ears will be full of chaos, the field is almost back to its previous state. See in the picture the state of repair to Michael's Cairn.

Chapter 96

Chapter Ninety-Five - Ye Borg Queen Doth Bifhop. It's 27th April 2021, around 8.30am and after the genuine trauma of the last chapter, Richard has licked his wounds and is back on the Ftocean trying to undo what was done to him. But who is the madman in this situation, the person throwing stones on to the field or the one throwing them off? Is it possible they are both as mad or sane as each other? These things are sent to test our faith in the stone gods, who really seem to be testing (and teste-ing him this year) and whatever the dangers, the work muft continue. There's always been danger in this, but now there is genuine danger. Richard has been doing this long enough now to be able to read nature's clock. What a lovely big clock nature hath?

Chapter 95

Chapter 94 - Vandalf. Richard is on his first official audio chapter since the stone gods decided to teach him a lesson about removing stones. It should be a happy occasion, but some person or force has gone out of their way to turn his world upside down. Trigger warning - those concerned about the welfare of stones should not liften. But this is worse than having cancer. And also very disrespectful to the memory of the original stone clearer Michael (RIP). We will overcome my friends. This is like when the pretend God tested Job. Obviously stone clearing is always serious, but this is a more serious one. Why hast thou forfaken me?

Chapter 94

Ye Ultimate Ftone Clear. It's 9th April 2021, around about 3pm. It's been a few weeks since Richard was struck down and forced to clear a very special stone, but as Fpring returns he takes his first tentative steps back on the Ftocean, in audio and video. Wolfie is away so can not join him, but there is much to process and a special stone to find. How many stones have grown in the enforced vacation? What effect will the absence have on the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit? Will the Ftone Pole bode good luck or bad? And which member of the Goodies will attempt to catch Rich in the act. It's an emotional return to the field and a tribute to the grumpy old bugger who has left us.

If you enjoyed all the free content over lockdown please consider buying a ticket to one (or more) of the live RHLSTPs in May, June and July at the Clapham Grand (actual audience tickets available as well as online ones) http://richardherring.com/gigs. Use Richard Herring before we lose him for good.

Fpring Fpecial

Chapter 93 - Myftery Fnowy Footprintf. It's bang on 8am on 9th February 2021 and the Stocean is covered in fnow again. But that will not ftop a hardened ftone clearer. Or one without an erection. Today you will learn the important of the icy kick, some freezer wisdom from the Venerable Bede and another rule to add to your list and to update on https://sites.google.com/view/stoneclearing/ if you're the person who has been failing to keep that up to date. Perhaps you've been got by the stone Stasi. There's a great stone pole and a lame chase from the one member of the Stone Stasi who is committed enough to be up and at em on a cold February morning. Is love in the air?

Chapter 93

Chapter 92 - Fpunking Ftones. It's 8.20am on 2nd February 2021 and the fnow has gone and the mud doesn't feem as bad in comparifon. There's some big twiftf and revelations in this week'sf chapter and Rich rifkf a fchifm by nailing his colourf to the maft on a controverfial fubject. Is the Roman villa Roman or a villa? Have you ever made a stone ejaculate? Does that mean that they don't or is the fault with you? Will you be able to cope with the new pace that will come as the chapters become more advanced in a few weeks? Are our human lives important at all? And do the stone Stasi need me to survive in order to keep themselves as relevant as Lego Batman? An incredible stone pole too. You might want to become a badger now: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges

Chapter 92

Chapter 91 - Yellow Fnow. It's 8.25am on the 26th January 2021 and we've gone straight to an intermediatery lesson as the Stocean is covered in crispy snow. How do you clear stones when you can't see stones? What are the best ways to surreptitiously melt it? And will science ever work out what snow even is? There's a vicious attack from the horrible muzzled dog and a friendly (?) greeting form the mobility scooter lady. Plus more celebrity emails.

Chapter 91

Chapter 90 - The Three Df. It's 8am on the 21st January 2021 and Rich has left behind his film star career for the glamour of stone clearing. He has to lift a tree that is blocking his path and receives a veiled threat from a member of the Ftone Ftafi and he also has to take a diversion into the village to pick up some tabloids where Wolfie meets her enemy. It's all happening. Only 10 chapters away until we've completed the beginners' course and can move on to more advanced techniques.

Chapter 90

Chapter 89 - Frofti Graf. It's 8.05am on 7th January 2021 and it's the first recorded clear of a New Year, though the ftones laugh at the paffage of a year, which is but the blink of an eye to them. The world descends into chaos, but the ftocean remains constant and calm with everything slowly being put in its correct place. Some are calling Herring mad, but perhaps he is the only fane man on the planet. The stones certainly tell him that he is. The cold earth grips her stones tight. But Herring prises them away and the stones thank him. Literally. Let he who has ears underftand.

Chapter 89

Chapter 88 - Dead Beets. It's after 9am on 29th December 2020 and Richard is looking back on one of the greatest years in history for stone clearing. He has to deal with star struck villagers (and some pretending not to be star struck) and a potential rambler orgy, but has an admission about his 'career' that may surprise no one. The Alpha and Omega cairn (pictured) is growing fast after just two and a bit years of attention and the stones are growing nicely as the mud clears. But will Richard find Wolfie's name tag? So much incident and excitement that you might expire. Don't listen to this if you're trying to sleep.

Chapter 88

Chapter Eighty-feven - The Fomme. It's 7.45am on the 15th December 2020 and today's stone clear is in memory of Patrick Hill's dog Dizzy. Richard is forced to think of a time where he (or Wolfie) might traverse this field without their best friend. If his failing fitness is anything to go by then Wolfie should outlive him. There are still camouflaged beets and the mud is as bad as ever, but the hope of new stones growing through the mud like hammy poppies keeps the spirits up. There's the biggest stone for a while and one that looks like an egg, but the Stone Stasi are quiet. Maybe a bit too quiet. But Rich says hello to a lady in a dressing gown, so there's some human interaction.