Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

By Comedy.co.uk

The world's first podcast dedicated to the ancient art of Stone Clearing (removing stones from a field and using them for better purpose), presented by Richard Herring.

Episodes

Chapter 67

Chapter Fixty-Feven - Coca Cola Fponforfhip. It's about 8.20am on 30th June and the weather was almost cold enough for Richard to wear his North Face jacket (Whichever direction your face is pointing, choose North Face) and he wears it anyway and gets a bit hot. He's on the search for more dicks (and fingers) and to a cynical eye might be attempting to monetise this ancient art. You can be sure he would never do that though, even if Ian Cocacola is intent on getting his branding into this podcast. Will Wolfie attack a dog and how will Rich respond when directly challenged about what he's up to. Surely his years of training means he won't make the same mistake as Cowley in The Great Escape? Look out for the ftone clearing kickftarter that will be coming foon. Occasional live streamed stone clears at http://twitch.tv/.rkherring
30/06/2037m 0s

Chapter 66

Stone Clearing Chapter Fixty Fix - Witch'f Finger or Witch'f Dick? It's 8am on 25th June 2020 and a contrite Richard Herring is back on the fun-baked Ftocean, in audio only, as it should be. He's looking for the petrified digits of magical hags to send out to his loyal army of fupporterf. A reminder of the importance of hydrating in summer months and making sure your dog does not die and blow your cover. Plus an emailer lets Richard have it for his awful felling out. Plus some trowel tips. Back where it belongs. No visuals.
25/06/2023m 0s

Chapter 65

Chapter Sixty-Five - Geometry Leffon. It's about half past four in the afternoon on 10th June 2020 and Rich has recently been bitten by a stone, but he's still not shy. It's the podcast with everything, a squirrel dicing with death, an encounter with some ramblers, witches' fingers, dicks and balls, a tribute to a fallen stone-clearing hero and a selection of stones that have been precision engineered by nature. That's everything right? There's no other podcast like it. If you want to be one of the lamestream fooles then you can join me most mornings at around 8am for live stone clearing at http://twitch.tv/rkherring. And if you're with Amazon Prime you can give me free money. Here's how: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVji_FONrxo
10/06/2027m 0s

Chapter 64

Chapter Fixty-four - Love is like a Butterfly. It's been a while, but it's 29th May 2020 and about 5.15pm and Rich is out in the rich summer evening sun to clear stones. But it's so peaceful and one terrifying incident aside, we're free of the FF and he feels like he's eaten a whole bag of marijuanas. It's a backwards loop and there's now a Dominic Cummingf cairn, but apart from that it's business as usual. Except finally someone is flirting with Rich. Remember if you want to join the mainstream idiots you can watch live stone-clearing most mornings at about 8am at http://twitch.tv/rkherring and if you're with Amazon Prime you can give Rich a free £5 a month too. It's good to be back.
30/05/2035m 0s

Chapter 63

Chapter Sixty-Three - No Nudef Pleafe. It's 8.10am on 22nd April 2020 and Richard has been dragged away from his TV stardom on Twitch (http://twitch.tv/rkherring) by a technical glitch and has deigned to come back here to give you audiophiles a little bit of guidance. But you know he loves you most and hates all those fame hungry Twitchers who are bombarding him with nude selfies. He thanks the Stone Gods that none of you would ever do that. Probably some stuff about stones in here too. It's hard to remember now.
22/04/2022m 0s

Chapter 62

Chapter 62 - Can You Stone Clear Without A Dog? It's Eafter Monday 13th (not 12th) April at about 8.45am and Rich is doing his first ever completely solo stone clear. Will it be the same without Wolfie (she's OK, just on a little holiday at the in-laws)? Has Rich's head been turned by the tens of people who have been tuning in to WATCH him ftone-clear? (THE BLAFPHEMY - check it out 8am most mornings at http://twitch.tv/rkherring) NO. He disdains those idiots and only likes the true flag hagf who will only listen to podcasts recorded from inside his pocket. But, in exciting field news, there's a new bench on the field.
13/04/2020m 0s

Chapter 61

Chapter Fixty One - Fell Out It's the evening of 23rd March in the first year of the plague and Richard seems to be distracted by the huge break out success of his twitch tv stream of live stone clearing http://twitch.tv/rkherring. Is he heading for a fall? Has he fold out? Join him at 8am every morning to find out and see what it looks like outside. And if you have an Amazon Prime account, get a twitch account, link the accounts (do this on a browser - just put Twitch into search on Amazon and click the button) and then subscribe to Richard's channel using the subscribe button and Twitch Prime option.
24/03/2019m 0s

Chapter 60

Chapter Fixty - Ricky's Villa? It's 5.45pm on 17th March in the year of the plague. The terrified inhabitants of Richard's village are cowering in their houses, terrified of an invisible virus (the fuperftitiouf fool), but nothing will stop the clearing of the stones. Richard ponders more on the volume of ancient brick in one portion of the field, but mainly seems trying to convince you to follow him on http://twitch.tv/rkherring for live stone clearing and more and to persuade you to give him your free Amazon Prime subscribe (or some money). But his heart remains pure and he comes up with a scheme to cure the country of its malady. Well done on getting on board before stone clearing hit the mainstream.
17/03/2036m 0s

Chapter 59

Chapter 59 - The Hangover. It's approaching 9am on 11th March 2020 and Spring has sprung, but Richard has been drinking and is not sure he can get round the field without being fick. But it's a podcast packed with incident, including the first significant human contact for a while and theories of the eugenics of the stones. If you don't enjoy this one then I am not sure that a man going round a field clearing stones is really for you.
11/03/2047m 0s

Chapter 58

Chapter 58 - Up Above Ye Ftreetf And Ye Houfef. It's a chapter of two parts as the stone gods curse the first recording and end it after 15 minutes (Richard did another half an hour which you could only have heard if you hid in a bush). But then we pick it up a day later. It's the 2nd and 3rd March 2020 and we have the stone clearer cure for the coronavirus, which was much better in the lost podcast. Plus forgiveness from the stone gods, a rude teenager and finally a chat about the road works with a passerby. The lost podcast was amazing though.
03/03/2037m 0s

Chapter 57

Chapter Fifty-Feven - Hot and Cold Ftone Maffage. It's 8am on 25th February 2020 and this lesson is ostensibly about the best way to get stones to the edge during a cross field clear. But Richard reveals what might be the origin story of his fascination with ftones and how this whole thing might be an attempt to dredge up repressed memories of a man maybe using stones as an excuse to touch Richard's winkie. Maybe not though. He might just have dreamed it. But it does make sense of his obsession with the temperature of stones. Trigger warning - if a man has touched your winkie twice whilst giving you a massage, this podcast might dredge up memories of having your winkie touched twice during a massage.
25/02/2027m 0s

Chapter 56

Chapter Fifty-Fix - Ftorm Dennif - It's the evening of February 15th, Faint Fkeletor'f Day and the skull-faced hero has stirred up a hurricane. But the stone clearing must be done and Richard bravely risks his life to bring you this chapter of how to clear in adverse weather conditions, which also serves as his last will and testament. He is perhaps less brave at the end than the beginning, but tune in to find out if he survives and if he gains a new found respect for trees.
18/02/2025m 0s

Chapter 55

Chapter 55 - The Human Diamond. It's the eve of 12th February 2020 and Ftorm Ciara has left behind devastation and fallen trees, but all the ftones are fafe. The overcast sky leaves its mark on Richard's soul, but he will press onwards towards oblivion. Someone has been kicking stones back on to the field. An aggrieved and terrified villager or a sleep-walking Herring. No one can be sure. All we know is that stones will not be defeated by the imaginary force of wind.
13/02/2028m 0s

Chapter 54

Chapter 54: Jerufalem. It's 4th February 2020, not December or January as is claimed by the tired and confused host of the podcast, whose brain is weak but whose arms are strong. And it's the first difficult visit to the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit since Brexit. Plus the bowling technique, a new rule and some great Hasselhoffing to keep you going. And Rich discusses how TV fame will never make him forget his fans. No Hollywood superstars or rappers though. It's all downhill from here. Unless William Blake does us a video for next time. To help pay off stone clearing's increasing debts become a monthly badger here http://gofasterstripe.com/badges
04/02/2028m 0s

Chapter 53

Chapter 53: Unneeded Torch. There's an amazing surprise guest to get you in the mood for today's chapter of stone clearing, with some wise words and stone philosophy, but don't let that distract you from the lessons that are imparted in this very important chapter, mainly not to take your torch with you if there is still daylight. But Rich is forced off the field in an exciting game of cat and mouse with a possible ghost, but still managed to feed the Ditch that ftopped Brexit to definitely once and for all ftop Brexit. Who controls your destiny? Stones.
27/01/2030m 0s

Chapter 52

Chapter 52 - Ice Clearing. The first frost of 2020 has turned the ground into a clench-jawed child and only loose milk teeth shall be cleared today. Some chat about why no stone clearer can have a partner of any kind and some stuff about not having sex with dogs, which I think we can all get on board with. Plus how did Hasselhoffing get its name? The answer might surprise you. Look at the progress on the main cairn. Pretty impressive huh? Off the ftocean we join Richard as he attempts the relatively simple task of driving a car 50 metres down the road and for a moment thinks his dog is on fire. Plus a celebrity email about whether water can ever be a stone. You are in for a treat. Sorry the recording kept cutting off. Probably the cold.
19/01/2039m 0s

Chapter 51

Chapter 51 - Beft Coat. It's 5pm on 13th January 2020 and it's time for a cold night time clear. Richard has seen the error of his ways and not allowed a sponsor for this week's podcast, because stone clearers clear for love not money. There is some important lessons in maths and whether clothes are good or bad and the worldwide brotherhood of stone clearers. Also why you shouldn't wear you best coat when stone clearing. The best thing you can say about this one is that is mercifully short.
13/01/2023m 0s

Chapter 50

Chapter 50 - Mile-ftone. It's the first stone clearing podcast of the new decade and the 50th chapter- though the ftones would laugh at you for thinking either of those things were remarkable. And we finally have a fponfor - Faynor Fales www.saynorsales.com But how will the ftones feel about Rich felling out and being fupported by a business that exploits ftones - will they send a sign with a magic radioactive stone that looks like a pound of flesh the discarding of which seemingly destroys the broadcast? You'll have to listen to see. Otherwise find out how stone clearing might be responsible for the evolution of all life on earth and hear of Richard's secret plan to make this a podcast that's just about him moaning about his marriage, once you've all stopped listening. Do keep your emails and sponsorship offers coming in herring1967@gmail.com. Here's to the next 50.
09/01/2033m 0s

Chapter 49

Chapter 49 - Happy Anuary. It's just before midday on 31st December 2019, but your human anniversaries mean nothing to the ftones or their gods. Anus only looks forwards and so shall we. Some more stones get cleared and somehow the history of stone clearing gets more smeared with soil and Richard attempts to stop himself falling into the hot water of judging stones by their colours or women by their strangeness. Also transatlantic communication from a famous actress promises hope of a new love, but only in the event of an accident. Alaf, Richard muft return to his family for now, but who knows which way the winds of Anuf will blow.
31/12/1925m 0s

Chapter 48

Chapter 48 - The Curfed Chapter. Boxing Day 2019 and it's around 12.30pm so only an idiot would call it morning. This was already the second attempt at a podcast today, but the first recorded from inside a pocket (and we've done that before) and this one mysteriously cut off halfway. I suspect the Catholic Church may have had some influence over this as both times I tried to explain the true hiftory of Jefuf. This was not as good as the first attempt and we have lost much, but then we also lost the last ten minutes and the pronouncement 'Be Fit, don't be Fhit' so you're really missing out. But there's a Chriftmaf treat for you if you can wait til the end. (picture by Steve Burnett)
26/12/1919m 0s

Chapter 47

Chapter 47: Burder. It's around 8.20am on 17th December 2019 and before he can get any stone clearing down Richard has to try and get the last bit of recycling into his bin whilst trying to prevent his dog running into traffic. After that it's business as usual as the world's slowest nervous breakdown unfolds before your ears. Some good clarification about whether you can poo on stones though and more fears that this podcast is now listened to only by perverts. A gruesome discovery of a exploded bird might make you wonder if that is a portent of something to come (a dead mouse led to a major fire) or if it was assassinated for attempting to clear stones. But the weafel in the field is the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit. Has it ftopped working? And why? And what part have the BBC played in all this? There's a lot to take in and I don't want to spoil the many delightful surprises so, you know, listen to it and find out what's in it and stop reading this.
17/12/1952m 0s

Chapter 46

Chapter 46 - Urinary Onan. It's about 8.20am on 11th December 2019 and ye fun is just above horizon and there is froft on ye ground and Richard has some expert tips on the subterfuge required to be a stone clearer. Plus the cold has got to his bladder, but has he sunk so low as to wee on a podcast (TRIGGER WARNING - YES). Who is the real sick man? Who are the worst kind of hypocrites? Who is satirising who in this podcast and should you be more ashamed than Herring? Your hand gets a mention and Rich inadvertently offends a blind dog. Plus has he done enough, or too much to ftop Brexit? Become a monthly badger to see 30 minute filmed documentary from the Stocean. http://gofasterstripe.com/badges
11/12/1950m 0s

Chapter 45

Chapter 45 - Afteroidf. It's just before 5pm on 2nd December and aside from crepuscular light in the distance and the smiling moon, all is dark. And it's time to ponder whether there is stone clearing on other planets and why stones brought organic life to our world. Plus nighttime transgressions and Edmondsing. It's the podcast with everything.
02/12/1930m 0s

Chapter 44

Chapter 44 - Am I Right, Ammonite? It's about 8.20am on the 26th November 2019 and Rich is going the long way round. With some hard earned wisdom about how weather works and some fine Hasselhoffing and a largely undisturbed run from dog walkers and log dogs, he gives us the chance to reconnect with the stones and the sound of boots squelching in mud as he destroys potential archaeology and casts aside the sea creatures of eons ago. Plus is there a wood clearer attempting to taunt him and who shall win the battle of wood, stone and flesh? Plus a joke.
26/11/1949m 0s

Chapter 43

Chapter 43 - Ivory Towerf. It's 7.45am on 14th November 2019 (as it turns out one year and two days since the first chapter, but stone clearers like Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays) and the weather is overcast. Richard is out on the muddy field, clearing stones for real, not just reading about doing that in books like Bryan Bramble and the students at his University of Stone Clearing in Wellington. He has some harsh words for those who study rather than do and for anyone who collects stones in a mortar board, plus is reminded of his mortality by the increasing coldness of the stones. Fummer is over. And what has happened to all the other dog walkers? Oh they're over there.
14/11/1925m 0s

Chapter 42

Chapter 42 - Headphone Narnia: It's November 6th and nearly 5pm and Richard is heading out into the dark Hertfordshire night to try and clear as many ftones as he can whilst shrouded in the cloak of night. It's been a while since he's done a night clear and he has to remind himself of torch and dog poo holding etiquette, but his ungloved hands may be cold and dirty, but they are nimble. More mottos and rules to live your stone clearing life by and probably some other stuff too, I can't really remember now. But stop trying to find some spoilers - just liften to the ftones my friend and enter your own Narnia (I forgot that everyone gets turned to stone there, that would have been a good point to make.)
07/11/1923m 0s

Chapter 41

Chapter 41 - Father and Fon. It's about 9am on 30th October 2019 and no need to thank me but Brexit has been averted. Today's podcast in the autumn sunshine involves multiple dog walkers, the pride and fear involved in bringing your children Stone Clearing, how stones are more important than even your own offspring and how the Brexit Ditch will only accept humble offerings. Plus mystery whistling, Roman villas and tantalising info on the Stone People. Plus are women allowed to clear stones. This is the only stone-clearing podcast that dares to tell the truth.
30/10/1943m 0s

Chapter 40

Chapter 40 - Lady in Red. It's 8.39am on 18th October and Rich has a lot of work to do, but instead he's doing this. It's a full podcast which ticks all your boxes and, fingers crossed, has done enough to thwart Brexit. Remember to donate to the ditch when it succeeds. Along the way there are rules, madrigals, out of breathness, speculation about impregnated boots and government attempts to thwart the project. Plus the welcome return of the log dog. And some mud.
18/10/1946m 0s

Chapter 39

Chapter 39: The War Betwixt Ftone and Flesh. It's just after 8am on 9th October 2019 and the weather is overcast and the ground so soft that any stone can be pulled out. There's some expert Hasselhoffing on display as Richard enjoys the Ftone harveft and some of the medieval times' less impressive motivational rhymes. And for the first time in a while he's going the long way round and regaling us with legends of where the stones came from and how he plans to live forever himself. Kindly he caters to the insomniacs that he knows do not use this podcast for its intended purpose, but not the onanists who are definitely not using the podcast for its intended purpose. A call from his wife truncates the recording, but not much is lost. Plus is Richard playing into the hands of Borif Johnfon? And can he be seen from space?
09/10/1941m 0s

Chapter 38

Chapter 38 - STP. It's the evening of the last day of September 2019 and the conditions are damp. Richard and Wolfie go out to see if the Brexit ditch can have as much effect on world events as it clearly did last week and whether Boris Johnson has found the way to dampen its magic. There are more medieval aphorisms to help you with your stone clearing and some amazing discoveries including a very big stone, a stone that seems to have writing on it (a warning from the stone?) and a heart-shaped stone which seems to be encouraging Richard to carry on. Mixed messages from the world of geology perhaps. But Richard presses on, even though his wife nearly catches him in the act, which could be a marriage-ending moment. Please again, no w*nking to this podcast.
01/10/1927m 0s

Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty Feven - Ftone Fanta. It's 5.30pm on 23rd September 2019 and a tired and emotional and seemingly quite unfit Richard Herring has woken up to find the Ftone Fanta has been and the field that has been hit by every element possible in the last month has now been ploughed and there are boulders everywhere. Hear him struggle to lift the biggest stone ever off the field (pictured), hear him struggle to breath as he carries other stones across the field. Is that heavy breathing what it sounds like? Oh God, thank goodness this is audio only. Listen to a man so bewildered by the sheer abundance of stones that he finds it difficult to speak. You do not have permission to pleasure yourself to this episode.
23/09/1927m 0s

Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty-Fix - Morning Again! It's 8.30am on 17th September and Richard Herring is on the way out to see how the village will react to the triumphant comedy gig he has just done in the village hall. Whilst some stones are cleared there's a lot to delight canine coprophiles in this chapter, as Richard diligently cleans up dog poo at his own personal expense, whilst many less scrupulous dog walkers fail to bag the poop. There's a moment of extreme levity to take us out of the otherwise serious discipline and some sage advice about how many hours a day a newbie stone clearer can clear without risking death.
17/09/1936m 0s

Chapter 35

Chapter 35: Ashes to Ashes. It's about 5.30pm on 10th September 2019 and the village is still buzzing with talk of the fire. And whilst people count the financial cost of the damage, Richard is fairly jigging round the field as he finds stone after stone, each huger and more stony that the last. The plough has not made its official visit to the field yet, but what a harvest there is to come if this is anything to go by. The Brexit Ditch has its work cut out for it today, plus more emails from you, the listeners. We do read all the emails, but sorry, we can only read out the best ones.
11/09/1933m 0s

Chapter 34

Chapter 34: Fire and Rim Stones. It's 2nd September 2019 and as the world burns, so incredibly does my field and quite a lot of stuff around it. Not the stones though. They are impervious. It's an action packed stone clearing, only slightly spoiled by the first 20 minutes of the podcast failing to record again. After so many hallucinations on the field can it be true that there were firemen, a fire engine and burned decking? And is it inappropriate that Richard is jocular about the devastation and delighted that a small amount of ploughing designed to stop the out of control flames has thrown up a bumper crop of stones? You will never have heard such an eventful stone clearing podcast, even if you've listened to every episode of every stone clearing podcast in the world. I expect the mouse got cremated too.
03/09/1928m 0s

Chapter 33

Chapter 33: Dead Mouse. It's about twenty past six on the 29th August 2019 and even though it's just two days since the last one, Richard is out for another stone clearing podcast, to make up for the truncated one (but maybe he'll test your resolve by making this daily). It starts philosophically but then becomes more so as Richard comes face to face with mortality. But he also is forced to question whether the stones have been making a Great Escape in his absence and what his role in history will be. Is he one of the baddies? There's another fish to wrestle in at almost the exact same spot as last time and a Brexit reckoning to be had. Plus your emails. Do keep those coming in.
30/08/1925m 0s

Chapter 32

Stone Clearing Chapter 32 (partial) Rust and Dust - It's an evening do walk on 27th August 2019 and Rich is trying to remember how to stone clear, but also wondering how the field and cairns will have changed in the four weeks he's been away. It turns out it's a lot. But also the effort required in landing a huge stone clinging to the stocean with all its might causes something to go terribly wrong and for this to become another legendary podcast beset by technical difficulties, which will make Herring question what he is even doing here.
27/08/1919m 0s

Chapter 31

Chapter Thirty-One: When Ye Bee Meeteth Ye Thiftle, Then Who Will Be Ftung? - It's 6.35pm on 23rd July and Hertfordshire is baking under a heat wave, but there are stones in the shape of buns and dog genitalia to find and computer game characters melded with tennis players to avoid. And a bee on a thistle. And the possibility of a Boris Johnson funded pro-Brexit ditch. Let us all be thankful that this podcast is fronted by the one stone-clearer not to be driven mad by the immensity of the challenge he has set himself. And one who has such clear respect for the army of listeners who email him each week. Happy Birthday Kevin Franklin.
24/07/1929m 0s

Chapter 30

Chapter 30: Judy Murray Assignation. It's approaching 5pm on 8th July 2019 and Richard Herring has hurt his big toe, but nothing can stop him stone clearing, not even the prickly plants that are threatening to take him down like the Triffids they dream of being. Richard has to get home to take over childcare and is also risking a curse by making his first harvest of stones to take off the field for (un)lucky kickstarters, so maybe he is a little distracted. But he also wants to risk a major daylight transgression, but will the mother of Andy and Jamie Murray turn up to thwart him? And is Prince Andrew going to start stone-clearing soon? Before this episode you would have said that was unlikely. But with stone clearing anything can happen.
08/07/1928m 0s

Chapter 29

Chapter 29: Don't Be Distracted By Botany. It's 8.10am on 1st July 2019 and the big news is that Richard has misplaced his trowel. Will the last minute substitute that he found in his garage suffice? There's only one way to find out. It's very much a first day back at work after the holidays, but includes some excellent long lobs, a major and flagrant transgression into the Whocean, bare legs and a terrifying new surveillance technique from the Stone Stasi which could capture even the most rat-like stone clearer. Plus further lessons in Anglo-Faxon and a flirtation with a sexy listener via the medium of cat-sick. This podcast really has everything.
01/07/1939m 0s

Fummertime Fpecial

Fummertime Fpecial. Richard is in Devon and it's the Fummer Folftice, the holiest of days for a stone clearer. And he has discovered a cairn that could only have been built by giants or Merlin or a giant Merlin. Will he fall to his death from the mountain he has climbed or will his secret from his wife remain? Also why stones are better than sewage.
22/06/1919m 0s

Chapter 28

Chapter 28: Bramble (Not Bryan) Protector. It's around 7.50am on 13th June 2019 and the Stocean has been replaced by a still, yet wet lake of wheat which will have any stone clearer wetting their britches and questioning the role of the foreskin. Not many stones are cleared as the podcast diverts into some unnecessary areas and a shape-shifting member of the stone-stasi is bearing down on Richard and not in the way that he secretly hopes for. Plus some emails. See the Voice of the Ftones, Michael Fheen live on stage, talking about what this job means to him at King's Place on 17th June: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/
13/06/1937m 0s

Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Feven - Poppy Leaf - It's about 7.45am on the 5th June 2019 and yet some disgusting inhabitants of the village still have their minds filled with sex, when there is good, moral, purifying and distracting stone clearing to be done. Richard talks at length about how he is not interested in the sordid lives of the perverts he lives amongst and also finds some surprising stones. A heavy-dugged posh woman sends him scuttling down a different path and the post-Brexit (which clearly can't happen as long as the stones go in the ditch) stone-clearing world is discussed. Your emails and a clarification on one of the rules and the beauty of nature that must be crushed by stones. To see the Voice of the Ftones, Michael Fheen talk about the difference the stone clearing job has made to his career, please come to see him on RHLSTP at King's Place, London on 17th June - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/ Sorry I was moving the bins back into the house at the beginning, but thought you'd like to hear that. It's not all stones, stones, stones.
05/06/1943m 0s

Chapter 26

Chapter 26: Rimmed By Labs. It's about 7.45am on 28th May 2019 and the field is thick with dew and Richard has a sartorial surprise for you. Plus find out how he lost 1.5kg in a weekend, what the mysterious multi-dogged man is like up close, why it's hard being the son of a god and further plans to change himself to stone. Plus dog sharks, why wearing red is a bad idea if you are part of the stone stasi and why the medieval stone clearers names and work have generally failed to survive. If you want to see Richard interview voice of the ftones, Michael Fheen, probably exclusively about this job and how he felt getting it and how it has changed his life, then come to Kings Place, London on 17th June for a very special RHLFTP - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/
28/05/1942m 0s

Chapter 25

Chapter 25: Rabbit Army. It's just before 8am on 20th May 2019 and the weather is cloudy. Rich is off for an early morning stone clear wearing his jogging clothing. He's got more emails than he can realistically read out and is having to fight weeds and thoughts of his own mortality. But there's good news from Switzerland re his ambitions to become immortal. He's the victim of a double pincer movement from two old ladies which curtails his clearing efforts today, but still gets in a good few medium medium medium clears. And clarifies what that does and doesn't mean, whilst proposing a more expert 4D system. Plus a pitch for a new TV show to replace Game of Thrones. You'll never guess what it is called. Do check out the stone clearing website, even though is unofficial, not run by Richard and as strewn with errors as the field is full of stones. https://www.stoneclearing.com/
20/05/1934m 0s

Chapter 24

Chapter 24: Bonef of Ftonef. It's approaching 7pm on 14th May 2019 and a trendily dressed Richard is in search of stones (and not dog-walking based love). But more excitingly he's invented a brand new non-confusing stone size classification system that will bring this audio guide into a 3 dimensional video extravaganza (in the cinema of your mind). The crops are so high that is hard to see where the vegetation ends and the stones begin, but that doesn't stop Richard musing on how he might be able to literally become one with the stones and live amongst them for eternity. You may laugh at his vision. But let's face it, laughter is unlikely. Check out https://www.stoneclearing.com for all your stone clearing needs.
15/05/1939m 0s

Chapter 23

Chapter 23: Ye Calm After Ye Ftorm. It's approaching 6pm on May 7th 2019 and Rich is already regretting that he didn't record his last stone clearing jaunt where the Stone Gods showed their displeasure or appreciation (it's so hard to interpret) of his work by sending a storm of fire and ice to punish or reward him. He also chats about how he is prepared to lose one eye (but no more than that) in the quest to achieve is goal and how he hopes he can die out on the field. Has he run out of thing to say about stone clearing? Would people still listen if this was just the sound of a man stone clearing and not commenting about any of it? Why are all the other dog walkers involved in sexual trysts whilst he has to weave crops together to find love? How much more rambling will this become as Herring becomes older, and at what point will you decide it's inappropriate to carry on listening to the disintegration of a once cogent mind? But is not that very mental decay the artistic point of this whole endeavour? The immutable though ironically mute stones remaining unchanged as all around them atrophies? Who knows? Eventually there is some good advice about dealing with nettles. So worth hanging in through the bleak middle section. Oh and did I mention that there is now an unofficial stone clearing website? It's here: https://www.stoneclearing.com/. Richard Herring is not responsible for the content of this site. Or really anything that he does from this point onwards. But this site is by some anonymous stranger, hopefully not Bryan Bramble.
08/05/1945m 0s

Chapter 22

Chapter 22: We Plough Ye Field and Fcatter Ye Good Feed On Ye Ground. It's evening time on 29th April 2019 and Rich is rambling and ambling his way round the field once again to discuss whether it's possible for a man and a stone to create a female stone baby; why he does not recognise the God of the Bible; the place of metal in stone clearing; a crow that became a dog; a double meeting with a dog walker and his dog Wes; and why you mustn't throw stones whilst animals are in the vicinity; and why ski clothing is good to wear in the winter, but not so good once spring is here. Oh and there's some shooting going on in the background, but don't let that distract you. Plus some light relief stand-up comedy from Rich and the other dog walker. You can still donate to the kickstarter (on week of broadcast) and have a chance to get a cursed stone or a T shirt that won't be available anywhere else. Plus a documentary about stone clearing which is all definitely happening now as we've hit our total. Thanks very much for helping out if you did http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter
30/04/1935m 0s

Chapter 21

Chapter 21: Jefuf Chrift. It's a bright sunny morning at about 7.36am on 24th April 2019, but that won't stop Richard somehow making this podcast about sex again. And whether it's possible for a man to breed with a stone is probably the least controversial idea in this chapter as Richard expounds upon his understanding of the Gofpel and whether Jesus was a stone clearer (and one just sent to prepare the world for the true Meffiah). Some stones are cleared and maybe one of them might belong to you. Go to http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter for your chance to own a curfed sftone (or an uncurfed T fhirt). No stones were impregnated during this podcast.
24/04/1933m 0s

Chapter 20

Chapter 20: The Ditch Yat Ftopped Brexit. It's the evening of 15th April 2019 and Richard Herring takes his dog out to do a fhit, whilst secretly going about his own work, to create a monument of such enduring glory that it will make the twilight years of his life worthwhile. It's an oddly sexually charged chapter, with Richard annoyed that the early promise of being seduced by randy village women has come to naught, but at least some of the dog walkers might be getting some. And even though Herring has his eyes on something more valuable than the tawdry rewards of a snatched sexual encounter, he does believe his quest has a few short term benefits, like keeping this country in the EU, as it has been for millennia. If you want a stolen stone or a cool T-shirt or to see a documentary about Herring's quest or just to guarantee another 25 episodes of this podcast in 2019 then donate whatever you wish to our Kickstarter campaign http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter
16/04/1937m 0s

Chapter 19

Chapter 19: Midwitch Cuckoof. It's about 7pm on 8th April 2019 and Richard is enjoying the delights of an evening stone clear in the new spring. And whilst he is hampered by encroaching flora and sun-baked field, he enjoys the relative calm. Until he is haunted by the voices of children that he fears only he can hear. Where are they coming from? What do they want? Are the stones literally talking to him? And who is the man walking back and forth, dogless in the distance. Guarantee 25 more of these podcasts in 2019 and get your hands on a T shirt or even a stolen stone OR even sponsor the podcast (imagine the increased revenue your archaeological trowel business could get out of being mentioned) by heading here http://www.rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter. Plus some stuff for people who like bins. This really is the podcast for everyone (whatever the British Podcast Awards thinks).
09/04/1933m 0s

Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Acroff the fky are fcudding cloudf. It's 8.30am on April 5th 2019 and Richard and Wolfie are embarking on Chapter 18 (not feventeen, like he foolishly believes) and there's exciting news on how you can get to actually see some stone-clearing, or get a stone-clearing t shirt, or an actual cursed stone from the field in a perspex case or even sponsor the podcast (head to http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter for details), plus a revolutionary new tool that could cut your stone clearing time in half. There's a suspicious amount of dog walkers today and a protracted conversation with two of them full of nervous laughter and possible unchecked racism. It's the podcast with everything. You can even get some tips on feeding your dog. Look at all I give you and I never ask for anything in return - oh except for money http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter
05/04/1944m 0s

Chapter 17

Chapter 17 - What's Her Name? It's 8.38am on 22nd March 2019 and no one knows what is happening with Brexit, but one man knows what he is doing for the next 45 minutes: clearing stones whilst watching his dog perform ablutions. He hasn't just lost his trowel out on this field, but also his mind as he fails to recall the name of a major character in one of the biggest film releases of all time. Is someone travelling back in time to kill him - where does the dog walker vanish too and does a poorly thrown stone have terrible consequences for the rest of the world? Also how can you tell what direction a bald man is facing from a distance? You can hear everything this week in crystal clear surround sound. Bet you wish you couldn't. Now sleep. Look at those stones she's cleared. Whoever she is. Anyone can do it if they've got a gun.
22/03/1943m 0s

Chapter 16

Chapter 16: The Rattle of the Wind. It's March 15th 2019 at 8.40am and there are amazingly still stones to clear. After the stone gods attempted to fabotage last week's podcast with pocket noise, this week, they doth command the winds to blow this humble clearer off course. But Herring will not be swayed, clearing upwards of 23 stones off the field in this 40 minute odyssey. He will, however, have little of interest to say. The ever vigilant Ftone Ftafi are hiding well today, but Herring faces death at the hand of his arboreal nemesis. Will he make it home safe to his kitchen again? Or was this podcast discovered about the person of his frozen and crushed cadaver? Only one way to find out. It might have been better if you'd just heard the inside of his pocket this time.
15/03/1938m 0s

Chapter 15

Stone Clearing Chapter 15 - From Inside a Clearer's Pocket. It's 7th March 2019 and 7.35am, a sunny but cold morning. Sadly Richard failed to realise that his EarPods were not connected to his iPhone so this is a recording of inside his pocket with him mumbling in the distance, except for one bit at about 28 minutes where he gets his phone out to photograph some weird beheaded trees hanging in a fence, presumably as a warning to him. Also maybe at the end a bit too. It was a paranoid delight with loads of great emails, more human chess and conspiracy theories and it's interesting that it has essentially been wiped. They have got to the recording. But it is being put out for an interesting perspective on stone clearing and an affront to audiophiles everywhere. Can you listen to Chapter 15 all the way through? Can you make out some of the pearls of wisdom. Stone pole hit on first attempt too. Goddammit. It's unlistenable. So business as usual.
07/03/1943m 0s

Chapter 14

Chapter 14 - Stone Jesus. It's about 7.50am on 28th February 2019, the sun shines through the mist and the ground is moist and it's time to find out what has been going on in the field this week. Richard lays out of his fears of death, but his certain resurrection to eternal life and figurehead of a new religion, with a better wall than any of the others can boast. Along the way he is spied on by geese and a mysterious many dogged figure who chills Richard's stone heart, but gives him an excellent new tactic that will win you any game of chess. Today's size guide is the potato. Familiarise yourself with potatoes before the podcast or it will make little to no sense. Read more about stone clearing at http://richardherring.com
28/02/1943m 0s

Chapter 13

Chapter 13 - Conquistadors. It's 7.50am on 21st February 2019 and there is still many centuries of work to be done. But nature is either giving Richard his blessing or spying on him from above, as he does his best to get his job done without being shopped by the Stone Stasi. Is stone clearing the cure for all mental illness? Or is it just adding to the issue? Will Richard manage to hit the stone pole? Will the world be saved from disaster by a contribution to the ditch? How many weeks before the main cairn meets up with the next cairn along? Are stones as precious as gold? Or more precious? All these questions will be asked and not answered in this thrilling episode. Thanks for all the emails. It's very hard to mention everyone who is writing in, but you can join the likes of Brenda Dogbin by contacting Rich at herring1967@gmail.com.
21/02/1944m 0s

Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Chess. It's Valentine's Day 2019 but Ftone Clearerf hath nay time for love, not whilft there be ftones in the ground- so Richard heads into the Hertfordshire mist to clear the complacent stones. He has used all his guile to lull them into a false fenfe of fecurity and it's a bumper crop for the wily stone hunter. Are the stones his friends or his enemies? No one is sure, but for passive bits of stuff in dirt they have much magic, not least to change his mood in the space of three quarters of an hour. Making this the uplifting feel-good stone-based podcast of the year. We visit a part of the field that have as yet gone unbroadcast on the podcast and execute a double trespass into the forbidden field. Loads more emails and a worrying bit about toothless grannies that you might want to skip. But will Rich hit the stone pole and elicit a simultaneous cheer from the nation? No Fpoilerf.
14/02/1950m 0s

Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Frozen Stocean. It's February 2nd 2019 and Hertfordshire has been coated in the gametes of the Ice Gods, trying to thwart ye noble Ftone Clearerf for anofer feafon. Richard has some tips on how to stone clear in the snow, but to be honest, this is first proper go and he's just making it up as he goes along. The stone cupboard that is the ground is frozen shut and yet does that not make the discovery of the odd stone all the more valuable? How many stones did you clear today? So dare you judge a man who has cleared more stones than you? Will Richard meet any of the superstitious villagers or will they be scared away by the white blanket that has enveloped the field? Will he find any ammo and manage to hit the sign post? What will become of the world if he can't find a stone to throw into the ditch to calm the angry snow gods? Etc. Picture by Kittie-Wai More stone clearing info at www.richardherring.com/warmingup. Warning! Includes some non-stone material
02/02/1937m 0s

Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Bleffed are the Ftone Clearerf. It's 8.45am on a bright and frosty 28th January 2019 and stone clearers everywhere are mainly waiting for the plough to do her work and create more work for idle hands. But there are still some finds to pull from the clamp like jaw of the field and time to ponder about who puts the stones here and why and celebrate the Stone Gods and abhor the falfe godf of them that fhall not toil in the fieldf. It's a relaxed podcast that talks a little more about the practice of ancient stone-clearers and their rudimentary podcasts and the precarious nature of their short lives. Plus we meet the muzzled dog again and Wolfie uses Richard's hat to reveal a stone that might otherwise not hath been revealed. If you want to hear your name read out on the podcast then do email Richard as so many people have done, at herring1967@gmail.com and if you want to know more about the UK's fastest growing religion then keep an eye on www.richardherring.com/warmingup
28/01/1944m 0s

Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Stanley is a Dick. It's 9am on 22nd January 2019 and the sun is shining brightly. The soil is relatively wet and loose, though small puddles are frozen over. Is this global warming? Having left the field and his brain largely fallow for a fortnight Herring returns to his task untroubled by log dogs, but there are some incidents with real dogs that are quite hairy. Are they log dogs come to life? Some nice finds and a few more tips and Rich clears up what the podcast is actually about (spoiler: it's about stone clearing) and there are some enjoyably mundane chats with some of the people in the village, all of whom are unaware of what is going on. Pluf a fpecial gueft apperance from the Venerable Bede (is he the myftery voice too?). See some video footage of stone-clearing here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j_DH4TIYAA
22/01/1942m 0s

Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Ozymandius. The sun is coming up behind cloud cover at about 7.40am on 8th January 2019 and the secret stone clearer of Hertfordshire reluctantly leaves his feckless family behind for a more important calling. It's a technical podcast this week, not for beginners, which will give you guidance on how to choose the stone you clear from the confusing multitude. But it also considers why the stone clearers of old have left so little evidence of their work and how working at this job for so long changes your perspective on what must be done. Plus a thrilling incident involving violent dogs, and more of the chess game that is trying to avoid as many dog walkers as possible. Read more about stone clearing at http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup and see a portion of the field in the video intro to RHLSTP with the Fingers on Buzzers podcast (up on 9th Jan): https://www.youtube.com/user/Herring1967
08/01/1940m 0s

Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Brave New Field. It's 2019, but stone clearing has gone on every year of human history and will not stop now, just because it's the future. The feckless and superstitious folks of the Hertfordshire village where Richard lives are afeared of the field stone-moving imps and have left out messages in stone to try and appease the fairy folk. But Richard is not worried about that. He has clearing to do and has to get fit so he can clear more efficiently. It's a relaxed podcast in which Rich transgresses one of the main rules of Stone Clearing (but remember there are no rules) and meets another dog with a mental illness, just as he is worrying about his own sanity. Was it just a dog of the mind? A log dog made flesh? Your guess is as good as mine. You'd have to have a stone cold heart not to think this was the most amazing thing ever created. But wait til you see the wall.
02/01/1942m 0s

Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Horizontal Rain. It's 6.45pm on Saturday 15th or 16th December (you will have to check your calendars) and conditions are wet, but stone clearers can not stop their work just cos Noel's House Party is on or because they might get wet. The storm clouds may gather but so must shalt the stone clearer. After the show biz excitement of the opening chapters, Richard is keen to demonstrate the day to day drudgery of the task he has set himself. And he does that extremely well. Includes illuminated dog bottoms, smeared radiator covers and no significant finds. But the thrill of transgression and the suspicion of log dogs even when you can't see them. Read more about stone clearing at http://richardherring.com/warmingup
17/12/1828m 0s

Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Dementia Dog. It's 8.20am on December 9th 2018 and conditions are breezy with occasional drizzle. The ground is still moist, which should be a worry for those who are concerned about global warming, but it's great news for stone clearers. Covered in this chapter: whether it's heresy to wear any type of clothing on the field; how to deal with sibling stones; marking your territory; what happens when you encounter an unfriendly dog owner; being the first non-bald man to wear a head torch; how the stone gods show their pleasure; where do the new stones come from; and why are all the cairns so pathetically small after all this time. Plus an encounter with Fred and his friends. If you have any questions or would like to sponsor the podcast, email herring1967@googlemail.com. Find out more about stone clearing at http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup Today Richard was wearing Petgrow Cut Resistant Work Gloves Level 5 Hand Protection, available here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GRVQ2BF/comedyguide-21/ Richard has not been paid for this glove endorsement. But is happy to be paid for other endorsements. If you think your dog might have dementia this website can help you identify the symptoms. http://www.vetstreet.com/our-pet-experts/dementia-in-senior-dogs-6-ways-to-deal-with-the-effects There are no charities running at the moment for dogs with dementia, only for dogs for people with dementia. When will there be people for dogs with dementia?
10/12/1841m 0s

Chapter 4

Stones 1 Gloves 0. It's 8.35 on December 4th and the Herring household has been hit by a sickness bug, but stone clearing waits for no man and the work must be done. It's frosty but the earth is moist and the stones are coming up easy, as Rich covers a variety of subjects including whether size is important, the part that urine plays in the discipline, how fast you should walk your dog and whether it would be better to clear a field of plastic. Read more about stone-clearing at www.richardherring.com/warmingup
04/12/1843m 0s

Chapter 3

No Sparks. After a couple of podcasts for newbies, we go right in to professional level stone-clearing, with a night clear, conducted at the unGodly hour of 6.15pm on November 23rd 2018. Richard's last night stone clear was an amazing success, filled with fear, magic, fire, ice and a huge stone. Will tonight be as successful? Will Richard fall victim to a Night Hawk? Will the dim light of his torch somehow discover treasure? But what is the meaning of treasure? Stone clearing will change your perception of this and also of your own self-worth. It's not just the night that is dark as the podcast continues, it is Richard's heart and mood and for this reason we advise any high-spirited new stone clearers to save this podcast for a time later in their career. Sure it's a profession full of joy, but it's also full of the darkness at the heart of the void that you are exposing via your work. Richard ate his curry with his wife after, and was gay and kept his experiences out in the war against the stones to himself. Only you know how he was really feeling. Only you know what he is attempting. Keep the secret.
26/11/1830m 0s

Chapter 2

Ground Spiders. It's Sunday 18th November and the sun is just coming up. Most of you are in bed, but Richard and Wolfie are already up and clearing stones and pooing respectively. Today's podcast is about the items that can trick you into thinking they are stones, plus the search for the mythical great white stone, hiding somewhere in the Stocean. Hope you like the new theme tune written by Mike Cosgrave. For more info on stone clearing see www.richardherring.com/warmingup If you have any questions about stone clearing send them to herring1967@gmail.com
19/11/1846m 0s

Chapter 1

Rock, Paper, Scissors - it's 7.42am on November 12th 2018 and Richard is setting out on another dog walk, but unbeknownst to his stupid family there will be something else going on, Stone Clearing. In this first proper episode Richard passes on some basic techniques of stone clearing as well as demonstrating how to keep your identity and what you are doing secret from the non-stone-clearing idiots. There are no rules, but he will give you some anyway. Also you might worry slightly that he doesn't have long to live, but don't worry he will pass on this task to his children on his death bed. This episode is really for beginners only. For more tips on stone clearing and photos of the cairns go to richardherring.com/warmingup and look around a bit.
12/11/1846m 0s

Intro

Intro - Herring's Mound. On 7th November 2018 in light drizzle Richard Herring takes his dog round the field in order to introduce you to the concept of stone-clearing and his motivations for doing so. In a recording that is sure to infuriate audiophiles he takes us through some of the basic stone-clearing techniques, narrowly avoids standing in some dog faeces and attempts to hide what he is doing from a mysterious, coughing dog-walker. He also encounters somebody's passive-aggressive attempt to reveal the secret of what he is doing and dob him into the farmer who may or may not be pleased that his field is being very slowly syphoned of its stones. Listen in so you can say that you were here from the start of a podcast that will redefine the genre and hopefully one day win the Turner Prize. Check out richardherring.com/warmingup for more info and pictures.
08/11/1822m 0s
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