Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

Chapter 178 - Ftone Pigeon. It's just after midday on the 5th December 2024 and an exhausted and financially burdened Richard Herring tries to escape the real world by building castles in the sky or walls in the bushes. Nothing of interest or worth happens for the next 25 minutes, but you know you have to liften just in case. And in truth there are some beautiful songs, though one of them is just improvised on the spot. Amazing.

Chapter One Feven Feven - Fexifm. It's just gone midday on 21st November 2024 and a toned Richard Herring, straight from a perfonal training feffion, is out clearing stones from the melting frozen vulva of the soil. Desperate for new listeners to replace the ones who have died from boredom he tries to emulate Peter Kay, Bernard Manning and Ricky Gervais to bring in the clicks, but will it work or will it alienate his two female listeners. No matter, there's some lovely stone clearing to listen to and it's a beautiful day so soak in the winter sun rays (audio only) and liften to the ftones.

Chapter 176 - Ye Ten Commandmentf. It's the morning of the 15th November 2024 and Richard has returned to the Stocean, but there's someone missing. And there's loads of blinking stones. Madrigals and commandments proliferate and there's a break down in the recording but you don't miss much. Plus should we judge people by their crimes or their stone clearing. Plus the millions of emails Richard has had about the podcast stopping.

Chapter 175 - Ftanding on ye Fhoulderf of Nerdf. It's 8.05am on the 26th September and tomorrow Richard moves a good 5 miles away from the Stocean, a distance that might mean he can never return here again. Will he clear all the stones today? Well with a little help from the Gods, who knows? Has the six plus years out on the field made any difference to the grand scheme of things? Will stone clearing fans be fuicidal? Did Wolfie do a poo today? These are all questions that you will have to ruminate on. But if this is the final curtain then thanks to the many millions all over the world who have learned from a master. You know, in a way, you have taught me as much as I have taught you.

Chapter 174 - Ozymandiuf (Part II). It's 2.08pm on 21st September 2024 and a worried Richard Herring is out trying to get this job done before he moves in six days. It's not looking that good. The Stone Stasi, depleted by Covid, send a couple of kids out to do an adult's job, but they are no match for Richard Herring. Is it better to leave a couple of feet behind or nothing at all? What the hell has Wolfie been eating? And what's that thing out on the field? None of these questions or answered and are barely even asked. A listener email is full of embarrassing effusive praise, but at least the person who sent it kept their top on. Become a badger here: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges Subscribe to Substack here: https://richardherring.substack.com/

Chapter 173 - Ftone Phalluf. It's 7.20am on 18th September 2024 and Richard is out on what might be his penultimate podcast (surely he will make the five mile trip to carry on in the unlikely event that he doesn't finish the job by the end of next week). Today we look at the problem of soil coloured stones and stone like soil clumps, the irresistible lure of Hafflehoffing when you have a newly tilled field, some amazing chunks of rock, Wolfie returning stones to the field maybe as revenge for being hit in the face by a Fubbuteo kick, not biting off more than you can chew and a symbolic moment where a stone breaks in a mocking/sympathetic manner.

Chapter 172 - Fticky Fingerf. It's 5.36pm on 10th September 2024 - don't worry, you haven't missed 9/11 - It's a grey and rainy autumn day, but we know all about feafons after so many years of trudging these ftone encrufted paths. There's a deadline to clear the Stocean now - the last Friday of the month, but Rich seems to think he can finish the job in time, when he isn't being distracted by his priapic prey. God knows what he'll do if he doesn't finish or more worryingly what he might do if he does. Stick with him and join his fubftack https://richardherring.substack.com/subscribe for possibly extra stone based content.

Chapter 171: Parabola? Parabola?! It's about 9.20am on 30th August 2024 and Richard hasn't moved yet, so stone clearing can still go on. The Stocean is turning from brown to green and Richard has strict rules about removing soil and the perfect kick technique to share with you. Should he clear the field metre by metre? What does he say to the Stone Stasi lady and why does he have to censor it? And does he like stones? Find out some of this in today's chapter. Subsribe of Fubftack here: https://richardherring.substack.com See eBay items here: https://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/herring1967

Chapter 170 - Balloonf and Ballf. It's 9:08am on the 19th August 2024 and the early morning is warm, the kind of conditions where a stone clearer could pass out and go missing for weeks. But the good news is that full Ftone Chriftmaf has finally arrived and the stones are there for the taking. So for the first time in a long time, the Charley Boorman lookalike takes the long way round to see just how many stones he needs to shift in the next few weeks. It's not none. Not yet. Can he clear a billion stones in a month. If anyone can it's him. And you're going to love to listen to 50 flipping minutes of him clearing stones right now. Because who wouldn't? Find out about Richard's new Substack here https://richardherring.substack.com/about

Chapter 169 - Ftone Potatoef. It's nearly 6pm on 14th August 2024 and the Stone Clearing podcast is not coming to an end as quickly as Richard thought. There's at least a month to go, which is lucky, because it's Ftone Chriftmaf, waffocks! At last, after months of puny stones we have something to get our teeth into, which is tempting as some of them look so delicious. There's some tips on haffelhoffing and a new rule (there are no rules) about only travelling in one direction and an email from a famous person but you won't guess who in a million years. Thank goodness there's another 3-4 weeks to get this job done.

Chapter 168 - A Puff of Fmoke. It's nearly 6pm on the 30th July 2024 and we've learned by now with stone clearing to expect the unexpected, but no one could have expected the unexpected thing that happens today. Which is why you need 168 lessons on how to clear stones, because of all the unexpected stuff that can happen. Where did the unexpected thing come from and what does it mean?

Chapter 167 - Fkidmarkf. It feels like only yesterday we last did this, because it is. It's just before 6pm on 22nd July 2024 and there's big news out on the Stocean. Fadly you miffed ye joyriderf, but even more exciting, ye crop fhe if gone. Richard wifhed it and fo it muft be fhall. Will throes of all the rape plants mean that the stones are finally accessible? Or will there be loads of straw in the way? And will we see the first large stone for quite some time? Plus an email from a much missed actor, who had the foresight to email in, but not the present-sight to go to the doctors.

Chapter One Fix Fix - Fifyphean Fubbuteo Fuccubuf. It's 1.05pm on 21st July 2024 and the fun is fhining and Richard is starting to worry that he may not clear the field in time and is worried about the consequences of that failure. But there's probably still time and if not there is still time to learn some new stone-clearing terms. But there are big changes on the field, with a destroyed boundary and some kind of animal burrowing beneath one cairn and the ever present danger of death by hemlock or feduction by the ftone ftafi. Plus why Richard wants stone clearing to be inclusive of all people.

Chapter 165 - Ftone Pole Fail. It's 5.10pm approx on 15th July 2024 and the end of stone clearing steps ever nearer, but that has always been the case, that's the nature of time. It's another disappointing clear as Richard is hampered by vegetation and lack of fitness and peanuts in his throat. But you have to liften anyway. Juft in cafe fome pearl of wifdom droppeth from his ftupid mouth. Just be glad you don't live in America where the FF don't kill in an honourable fafhion.

Chapter 164 - Fodden. It's 5.24pm on 9th July 2024 and Richard Herring is on the cusp of his 57th birthday (do not send him nude pictures to celebrate) and has only a couple of weeks to go to clear the Stocean. Can he do it in time or will he have to commute? The rape seed pods have an unexpected and sexy (to perverts) surprise for Richard and the ditch has finally delivered big. It's good that we only do this podcast every now and again so that the quality stays very high.

Chapter 163 - Going for Ftones!. It's 9:20am on 21st June 2024 and the spectre of the end of the podcast hangs over us all, but for now we plough on (no pun intended as this is a feriouf podcaft). There's medieval fongs and some dog poo and the possibility that Richard has been tricked into advertising someone during this chapter. It's very hot and the hemlock is scratchy and the stones are tiny. So bufineff as ufual.

Chapter 162 - Mega Chocolate Button Madneff. It's the evening of 5th June 2024 and Richard Herring is high on life, but more pertinently high on chocolate buttons and the result is a podcast so unhinged that my first impetus was that no one must ever hear it. But in the end I think it's an important podcast to put out to warn younger listeners of the dangers of chocolate button addiction. Things are said that should not be said in a public place, but luckily they are said here on a podcast that no one listens to, so it's the same as just shouting them in the middle of a rapeseed field. Hardly any stones are cleared, just a man questioning if his life has had any purpose. And his life has almost certainly had more purpose than yours. So where does that leave you? Is it time to stage an intervention? And if so, who first? Me or you?

Chapter 161 - Keir Ftarmer - It's 8.40am on 30th May 2024 and Richard Herring's sanity is resting on a knife edge, but join him as he sings too many medieval songs and tells you not to vote Labour and gives a preview of his new podcast about dog fhit. Do you need to send help? Are you even listening? If a podcast is made in a field of hemlock and no one downloads it, does it make a sound? What's the poem with hemlock in it? You can bid for stone-clearing items on eBay here: https://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/herring1967

Chapter 160 - White Dog Fhit. It's about 8.44am on 16th May 2024 and Richard's brain seems to be gradually atrophying into sludge. There isn't much time left for this ftocean but Herring is determined to Get Stone-Clearing Done. And at least 25 stones get nicely cleared during this fairly fcatalogical podcast. Why is he wasting his time doing this and why are you wasting it listening to it? We would have wasted it anyway.

Chapter 159 - Buffineff Af Ufual. It's 16.48 on 1st May and there are a lot of stones to clear between now and our August deadline and that's without having a dog with the squits, a child with scarlet fever and a weird dizziness. But the stones must be cleared and boy are about 23 of them cleared today? Yes they are. Will rape seed ever be renamed? Can it hurt a dog? And how big is a gorilla's penis? All questions that are posed without being answered today. And great news for all fans of San Franciscan wrestlers/Batman villains.

Chapter 158, Fame Coin, Different Fides. It's 9.01am on 24th April 2024 and a giddy Richard Herring is heading out to the Ftocean, desperate to finish his task before it is too late. And don't skip this one, it includes some important info on what to do with stones that are to your left or right and a desperate plea to make love to a man in a flat cap and a woman in a bobble hat, plus a memory test about leaders of the Liberal Democrats. The Ftone Pole is back and we're in a rape maze, so it really has everything.

Chapter 157 - Ye Ftone Fettee. It's 8.38am on 18th April 2024 and the first recorded stone clear in almost two months, so most of the podcast is the reading out of the thousands of aggrieved emails that Richard definitely got about his absence, not none like you thought. The end may be in sight though for the podcast, but that is not a reason to give up on life, for your faviour might return at any time if you believe in him enough. Plus a dog fight (unrecorded).

Chapter 156 - Deadline. It's 17 o'clock or so on 20th February 2024 and after daily podcasting in 2023 this is the first recorded clear of the year and the FF are out in force. Is the end in fight? And why do all the cairns look so unimpressive after all this work?

Chapter 155: Breezy Penif. It's just after 2pm on 20th December 2023 and a pyjama-clad Herring is doing what he does best, clearing stones and inexpertly commenting on it. There's a medieval fong and foggy focks and an attempt to recover the lost WhatsApp messages as well as some news about the birth date of Jefuf and whether ftone clearing might be coming to an end.

Chapter 154 - Moff. It's lunchtime on 29th November 2023 and it's a bit of a tired clear as Richard has just been for a run. Still nothing in this podcast happens by accident and there's a leffon here for you all. So make sure you listen to it all!

Chapter 153: Frifky Bufineff. It's 5.24pm on 7th November 2023 and it's DARK. Too dark to see a stone, especially if your torch runs out of power. Richard is feeling frisky, but luckily there are no FF on the Stocean to help relieve him of this sexual tension. There's singing, there's fexineff and there are very few stones cleared.

Chapter 152 - Get Back In Your Rembrandt Painting. It's around 9.30am on 25th October 2023 and the daily stone clears continue. The Stone Stasi are back in force, but who started this war and is it a case of right and wrong or more nuanced that that? NO, the stone clearers are good and the stone Stasi are evil. Plus a look at the strangely altered cairn in the middle of the field, a celebrity visitation and some excellent rule breaking. Sadly the recording ended unexpectedly about five minutes from the end of the clear and you miss some absolute gold. Cheg on.

Chapter 151 - Welly Boot Jeopardy. It's before 5pm on the 12th October 2023 and Rich is hoping Duckett's Passage is open for business cos he has some stones to clear. It's a super eventful clear with football managers of undetermined gender and sex-swapped sex-criminals and birds composing symphonies on the telephone lines. Plus will Rich come a cropper as he tries to empty his welly? And how many rules will he break and how sexy will you find it? For those of you who thought the format was stale, liften to the fucking ftones, my friend.

Chapter 150 - Fticks and Ftones. It's 4.22pm on 5th October 2023 and there's very bad news for the believers in the Alpha and Omega God or those that think the Stocean can only be accessed by a portal and for those who want to hear a man talking about stones, not about walking along a street. Eventually there is some stone clearing, but it's not very good and a go on the stone pole, but then there's more non-stone stuff and all in all it's a disappointing chapter given the momentous occasion of making a hundred and half a hundred chapters. The FF win again.

Chapter 149: The Alfred Jewel. It's 8.22am on 29th September 2023 and the daily stone clearing podcasts continue. The sky is grey and the ground is damp and it should be perfect stone clearing conditions, but a sudden influx of FF working in a pincer movement prove disruptive and potentially fatal. Richard still manages to clear a Hermione handful of stones though and provides wisdom about how far you can throw a small stone in blustery conditions, plus alludes to the work of Jefuf and encourages you to give up your jobs to join him in his life of stones.

Chapter 148 - Flug. It's 5.50ish on 20th September and it's piffing down, but stone clears must clear. Richard mourns the cairn that has gone flat, but vows to rebuild and measures the angle of the rain and moans about wetting his trousers, but his advice about the stone diet and how to get net zero nice and quickly. Mainly by everyone following the stone diet.

Chapter 147 - Ye Great Walle of Ftraw. It's coming up to 5.30pm on 16th August 2023 and the daily clear continues, but with a difference (apart from the last two or three days) - the crop has been harvested and Haffelhoffing is once again possible. There are still dangers and difficulties - straw lies on the ground like snow and their are walls that must be climbed and a holy shrine has been desecrated, but the earth shall provide bounty to those who clear stones and sing the stone clearer song.

Chapter 146 Crop Circlef - It's 1.30pm on the 10th August 2023 and the daily stone clearing podcasts are still somehow continuing. Have alien stone clearers come to the Stocean to clear some stones off the very planet? You'll have to liften to find out. Very little stone clearing today, but at least you're not listening to a podcast about whether the sun is out or not. And Richy Soonsacked better watch out cos there's a ditchy sunak coming for him. All the things in this blurb are much more amusing than anything I managed out under the hot, hot Englifh fun.

Chapter 145 - Ftone Antf. It's some time around 2pm on 20th July 2023 (email for more details) and Richard'f loofe lipf almoft give away where he if really from. But I think he covers it up OK. He has lots of intermediate tips for the quite good stone clearer, including how to avoid stone mushrooms and the terrifying true story of the stone clearer who fell victim to lurking stone ants. Plus more songs and poems than you can shake a stick at, a bit too much about organic material given the remit of this podcast and no new rules.

Chapter 144 - Difappointing Fcotch Thiftle. It's 6.14pm on Wednesday 5th July 2023 and there's a chance of rain and petrichor, but Richard has had one soaking this week, and is prepared to risk it to emulate a young Theresa May. And he may be quickly out of breath, but he has a new energy that has escaped him for the rest of the year, so it's the partially long way round today. He will teach you how to navigate a pathless Stocean and also the danger of shortening your borders and there's a surprise and a moral at the stone pole (buy tickets to RHLSTP to counteract the curse - http://richardherring.com/rhlstp). It's a great ep to sleep to and nothing really got lost when the recording got paused, so all is as it should be.

Chapter 143 Fcythe - It's about 6.15pm on 28th June 2023 and Rich is out for his daily podcast. Hard to believe he's kept this up all year. But for the first time you can find out how to apply for an envelope of his gametes. Plus some embarrassment for Wolfie. And a new bone based measuring system. The recording went wrong and Richard attempted to recreate what was lost but with limited success. Still his garden is looking nice.

Chapter 142: Fhredded Wheat. It's 5.01pm on 25th May 2023 and there's only 7 months to non-stone Christmas, but there are no holidays for stone clearers and this chapter gives those of you who judge the dead something to think about when it comes to the scales of justice. Also explains how difficult it is to clear stones when faced with a beautiful if fleeting, sea of wheat. But the biggest mystery is, what will this chapter be called. Not for you here in the future, but for stupid old Richard Herring, stuck as he will be forever more in this podcast, in a past that has no answers.

Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef Nettlef. It's just before 5pm on 19th May and it's time for an evening stone clear for a very tired boy. And it's not unlike that poem by Tennyson but more nettles and fewer cannons. There's plenty of tips for dealing with the dry ground and the high crops and a message from one of the many centenarian listeners. What more do you want? More nettles?

Chapter 140 Nurfery Rhymef. It's 9.29am on 7th May 2023 and the bunting is flying for King Charles the Turd. Richard has picked up another bug and the stocean is as sodden as an actual ocean, but stone clearing must be done. Richard ponders what the cuffs of trousers are called (it's cuffs if you're interested) and speculates about the genitalia of our new queen (maybe twice depending on when the tape went wrong) and sings a stone pole nursery rhyme which will be familiar to anyone who isn't a millennium. This podcast recognises no organic king, only the stone king.

Chapter 139, Goffamer. It's 8:15am on 29th April and another day of stone clearing begins. Richard tries to encourage his many teenage fans to enjoy their lives whilst they are young and tries to sort out whether you need to clear teeth from the stocean, plus experiences one of the many dangers of nature that can afflict the inattentive stone clearer. He cheats in the game of human cheff and is nearly discovered at the last minute, but otherwise it's a run of the mill, slightly sexy, stone clear.

Chapter 138, Ye Long Way, Wrong Way Round. It's 17.25 on 19th April 2023 and The Stone Ftafi play a move that turns the whole stone clearing world back to front and upside down and sends Richard dizzy and thinking life may be about to end. Richard is a maverick and breaks a lot of rules this evening and lets slip about his fecret cairn that can be seen from metres away. It's the difficult ftone clearing feafon of fpring so there is some invaluable advice on how to tell stones from plants. Don't miss it.

Brown Fingerf. It's nearly 6pm on 12th April 2023 and the daily 2023 podcasts continue with a classic, with some inter-species bodily fluid swapping, the importance of finding a window in the weather, an alliterative Morlock and how to spot a fake stone clearer. Also there are some stones cleared.

Chapter #136: Burrowing Wolvef and the Daffodilf of Fpring. It's 8.15am on 25th March 2023 and the 2023 daily stone clearing podcasts continue. Fpring hath Fprung, but it only shows the ridiculously of petty organic material and how little we think of our mothers. Plus how to cope with the changing temperatures at different points of the year and why you mustn't (and Richard hasn't) put stones up your bottom.

Fly Tipper. It's just after lunch on 3rd February 2023 and Richard is upset by what people have put at the edge of his beautiful field. Who would just chuck stuff around willy nilly like that? Today you will find out about the beautiful reminders that stones leave of themselves when they are taken from the field and how you can make more stones out of them. Plus requests for 24 hr a day stone clearing fall on deaf ears. Hopefully Wolfie is OK, but you also get quite a vivid description of one or her movements.

Chapter 134: When the Foil Turns to Ftone. It's 8.45am on 19th January 2023 and the resolution to do a stone clearing podcast a day this year has not gone too well, but will definitely happen from now on. It's a podcast full of incident, with frozen gates, ground as hard as stone, medieval songs and poems, terrifying new tactics from the Ftone Ftafi and an attack from a muzzled dog. Plus Wolfie seems to be working against me. Loads of great tips on how to deal with frozen ftones and an email from a Scotchman.

Chapter 133 - Pommel Hat Trick. It's just before 10am on 1st January 2023 - a new year and a new resolution that will keep you full up with stone clearing all year. There's some sneaky work from the Ftone Ftafi and there's some bad news for one section of our listenership, but I don't take the rules and there are no rules. Plus human wee, dog diarrhoea and exciting stone pole action. It's going to be a great new year.

Chapter 132 - Diplodocuf. It's 8.04am on what might be the 29th December 2022 and it's the last podcast of the year. Today we find out about the double and the importance of the periphery and why Newton's Law of Motion means that stones can not propel themselves, but are capable of steering and a Great Escape. Plus an email in from somewhere that ceased to exist in 2018, which will need its wikipedia entry amended.

Chapter 131 Berocca Wee - It's about 8.45am on 17th December 2022 and the snow lies deep and crisp and even. Which makes stone clearing pretty tricky. So welcome to an early Pro edition of the podcast where Rich shows what you have to do to clear in these conditions. And a miracle doth come to paff that fhall prove the exiftence of the Ftone Godf thif Chriftmaf. Plus an advance that will change the course of science. Happy Stone Christmas to ye all and to all a good stone.

Chapter 130 - Pacman. It's 12.53pm on 4th December and it's a rare Sunday lunchtime stone clear. It's intermediate but the odd pro tip might slip through. There's a real email. Which isn't unusual obviously. And then another real email at the end with yet another listener after Richard's gametes. Plus why it's important to have a false family and Rich has an affable chat with a member of the Stone Stasi.

Chapter 129: Wet Fock. It's 5.25pm on 16th November 2022 which can mean only one thing - Night Clear. In the rain too. Which means you can learn the important technique of picking up wet stones to get the least mud on your finger. Plus a wellington emergency and memories of the night that stone clearing almost killed Richard and his wish for that danger to return.

Chapter 128 - Brick and China. It's 8:30am on 1st November 2022 and Rich is back to getting fit and back out on the Stocean. There are some hints of the hard level chapters to come, the echelons of stone Heaven and the problems of the periphery. Plus are stones gendered and which ones can you have sex with without being branded a pervert. Rich has a brush with the common man, who he knows respects him and there's some satisfying stream of consciousness as well as a stream of wee. Warning this podcast includes uncensored urination and flagrant Stone Clearing rule breaking.

Chapter 127 - Fquafhed Hedgehog. It's 8:52am on 26th Feptember 2022 and the Ftocean has seen some changes, but it's not Ftone Chriftmaf yet. Richard mourns a fellow fwimmer in the great Ftocean, but feels he can not say the things he wants to say in this day and age where you can no longer say what you want to say, despite all the people who say this and then say what they want to say anyway. He talks about some rule breaking that he has participated in and then is cut off by a brilliant move in the game of human cheff. The Ftone Ftafi seem to be back with some underhand tricks, but Rich has a few tricks of his own up his fleeves.

Chapter 126: Chunky Chew Chew! It's nearly 8.30am on the 16th September 2022 and the stones they must be cleared. There's some wonderful olde hymns to the Alpha and Omega Gods and some terrific chunks. If you like chunks this is the chapter for you. But only if you've listened to all previous chapters. Plus another member of a famous family gets in touch, but they're not the most famous family I know. Listeners may be disturbed by the chewing in this podcast, but we have to ensure that only the committed get the fecretf of the ftonef.

Chapter 125 - No Fex Pleafe, We're Ftone Clearerf. It's after 6pm on 30th August 2022 and Richard is in repentant mood for his giddiness upon his return. There will be no titillation in this episode though (apart from the tit in titillation) and there can be strictly no self-pleasure. There are perils round every corner and an unexpected diversion. Plus maybe they first two minutes could have been edited off. But don't you want the full experience?

Chapter 124 - Ftone Halloween. It's 8:14am on the 25th August 2022 and after a month of stone rest, Herring is back. Will the Ftocean be clear of crops and if so what wonders shall Herring find? Remember size and hardness is not important in any way, but you always remember the particularly hard ones, plus a stone the size of a child's head, but which child and just general excitement to be back here. The rain will not dampen the fire in stone clearer's heart.

Chapter 123 - Thiftle Be Ye Laft One of Ye Fummer. It's 5:23pm on 26th July 2022 and the sun is burning hotter than it looks like it'll be and a dehydrated Richard Herring barely manages to clear a stone, let alone talk about it. The thiftles cheer him on his way to Fcotchland and the bramblef magically appear for to give him fuccour. If the Stone Gods will it then we will be back in the autumn for the next infinity chapters of what is still the third most successful stone clearing podcast in the world (excluding New Zealand).

Chapter 122 - Daify Duke. It's the evening time of 20th July 2022 and after a hiatus the stone clearing podcast is back to tell you how to clear stones when the earth's vagina is baked hard and the crops are thick. In the heat of the summer this is an exceptional sexual chapter and must not be listened to children or adults who don't like to listen to a man talking about being sucked off by stones. Plus the terrible fate of the stones that miss the stone poll. And Rich is nearly caught in the act by his wife. It was worth the wait. Sorry to the thousands of you who have emailed in asking where the podcast had gone.

Chapter 121 - Fometimef ye ftonef are Filent. It's about 5.15pm on 7th June 2022 and it's been a month since the last podcasted stone clear, so we have to feel our way back together. Stripped back to basics, fighting some of the most difficult conditions known to stone clearers and seeing the sprouting of this year's poppies and thistles that come from where stone friends and enemies fell. It's certainly not insane, what's going on here. That's all that I know.

Chapter 120 Moifture - It's before 8am on the 4th May 2022 and Richard is off for a second crack at Chapter 120, the first having been recorded from inside his pocket (though attached at the end of this podcast for completists). Rich gets one foot from a possum-playing rabbit, sees a spooky tree, pontificates on water, the enemy of stone and whether he'd rather have sex with a mermaid or a siren. The lost podcast is the best one ever - see what snippets you can pick up from the pocket record. It's like a faded gospel found in a cave.

Chapter 119 - Horfe. It's just after 8am on the 8th April 2022 and luckily Richard knows the facts about the sun so isn't scared that it's behind clouds. He has discovered strange markings in the crops that might indicate a lost stone clearing community and for the first time in ages he's gone all Charley Boorman and is taking the long way round. The Stone Stasi are quiet, perhaps a bit quiet and then BOOM they hit you with the unexpected. Plus lots of tips about border stones.

Chapter 118 - Fimile. It's 5.45pm on 31st March 2022 and the ftone gods are fending more terrible weather to blight Richard's attempts. But what is the snow like? There are some talking stones and a bit about daffodils. And another visit from a mysterious figure.

Chapter One One Feven - I'm Not Faying I'm Jefuf. It's 7.45am on the 9th March 2022 and there's a little bit of a wind going on and Wolfie is making enemies and friends, as we return to the Ftone Ocean for another important chapter in the audio binder that is Stone Clearing. Rich reveals news about lost Fhakefpeare plays and gofpels - how does he know so much about it? I can't say. The cairn that never grows is back and still no bigger and the ditch that had so much success with Brexit turns its powers to World War Three. Plus an entitled stone gets on Richard's nerves. Is it the witterings of an old man or the wise words of the fon of Godf? Become a badger to listen to the Fecret Ftone Clearf: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges

Chapter One One Fix - Felfridgef. It's 7.45am on 3rd March 2022 and it's time for a nice quiet stone clear. Why don't we just enjoy the views and have less of the yapping? Some stones are cleared, the main cairn is coming along lovely, look and Rich lets you know what he'd do if he was CEO of various companies.

Chapter 115 - Donald Finden. It's 5.50pm on 20th February 2022 and Richard heads outside and is surprised to see that it's lightly raining. He does not know what is to come. I do not think it is hyperbole to say that what he encounters is as challenging as climbing Everest, but it's been transplanted to the bottom of the Marianas Trench without oxygen or feet. No spoilers but if you are of a nervous disposition or don't want to hear a 54 year-old man calling for his mummy then do not listen to this chapter.

Chapter 114 - Pink! It's just before midday on 13th February 2022 and after a week amongst the stones of Wales, Richard is back where he belongs, watching a dog poo in a bush. There's a spooky encounter with a goblin baby and the domination of an unusual hue, plus more stone clearing advice for the intermediate stone clearer who probably doesn't yet hear the beautiful voices of the stones.

Chapter 113 Ftone Fhelf. Richard is confused about the date but it's 26th January 2022 at 5.15pm - it's getting dark, Richard's had Covid and the Stone Stasi are waiting at the first corner, but nothing can stop stone clearing except our inevitable and imminent deaths. Richard is back with more intermediate tips and explains how to turn yourself into a shelf as well as advising you as to where you can put your chocolate fingers. The main cairn is looking nice, but the stone pole is hidden behind massive new plants, so how will that go. Some emails and a trip into Richard's living room are just some of the delights that await you. Why are you still listening? Because you are the best. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

Chapter 112 - Jefuf Versus Reef-Mogg - It's nearly lunchtime on 27th December and Richard is having more technical issues, especially when he tries to do his bit about Omega versus Omicron which goes missing for the second time in two podcasts. Hopefully it settles down once Firi is turned off because Rich has some messages about the true meaning of Christmas, a celebrity email and a great Pacman analogy which is only slightly spoiled by the bit where he finds the Pacman stone not being recorded. Happy New Year.

Chapter 111 - Furry Dog Fhit. It's 3.40pm on 21st December 2022 and Richard is taking a look back over a turbulent year for stones of all kinds, plus a seasonal look at which of the seven dwarves Richard would choose to pleasure (with their consent). The Stone Stasi are out in force and somehow manage to interrupt transmission just at the end of the stone pole. We pick up at the Brexit ditch and believe you me, we've lost so absolute gold. Including some stuff about the true meaning of Chriftmaf. Ah well.

Chapter 110 - Leafy Tricksters - It's just before 6pm on 30th November 2021 and after back pain and bugs, Herring and Dog are back with their hilarious stone-based double act. Includes faffing with taking pictures, trying to open a dog poo bag in the dark and more high-jinx. How much weight of stonage has been removed in the three years this has been going on? Find out by listening to this very informative chapter and imagine how bad the other one he recorded must have been to not be broadcast. Bid on stone based and other cool items here https://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/herring1967/

Chapter 109 - Path of Conkerf. It's just before 5pm on 14th October 2021 and it's a fine autumn night to visit a freshly ploughed field to clear easy stones that a child could clear. But what should you do when presented with such easy stony booty? You should take care my friends. For the FF are lulling you and Halloween is just around the corner.

Chapter 108 Quick Fand - It's approaching 6pm on 2nd October and most of you are heading for a night out on the town, but Richard is heading for a night on the Stocean wave to clear some stones in the rain. He will be warning of how you can get sucked off out here on a night like tonight, plus how improper wiping can give you fingers like an ardent stone clearer. So be warned. He pays the price for glory seeking like some kind of Bryan Bramble and ponders on what the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit might have saved us from.

Moby'f Dick. It's 7.52am on 21st September 2021 and Rich just got some junk from the recycling bin on his fingers, but he doesn't mention it in the chapter as that would be unprofessional. Stone Chriftmaf has arrived and though that makes stone clearing easy, it also leads to psychological problems that every intermediate stone clearer must learn to address and live with. But also some big stones to find and disperse. The FF have been quiet, maybe a bit too quiet and there's a philosophical email to address and some poo to carry around, but apart from that it's pretty much run of the mill.

Chapter One Hundred and Fix - Fix Geefe A Flying - It's approaching 7pm on the 12th September 2021 and Richard is finally forced to confront the allegations that are flying around the stone clearing world and which you've probably seen mention of on stone clearing message boards or rival stone clearing podcasts (mentioning no names, Brian Bramble). Hopefully you will not judge him too harshly, for he is but a man, with a man's knees. He certainly doesn't let it get in the way of some sublime stone clearing tonight, with a rich seam of new stones revealed and after the harsh Ftone Summer Winter, the first glimpse of Ftone Fpring before Ftone Autumn gives way to proper Ftone Winter. The Feafonf are different out here. It's a clear without FF interference, so just enjoy the stones and the geese and forget about whatever rumours you've heard.

Field of Gold. It's before 8am on 6th September 2021 and Richard and Wolfie have an event strewn stone clear ahead of them. There have been changes on the Ftocean that just make things harder than before, but that's why you're here, for intermediate advice on how to cope with this and there's tonnes of this. Plus an intervention from a possibly dead celebrity and a callous murder at the end. And more rules than you can shake a stick at.

Chapter #104: Droopy Penif Earf - It's 8.42am on 1st September 2021 and it's been a while since we've been on the Ftocean. Rich is dizzy, with dizziness, not excitement, but stone clearing is the best medicine, even if the crop reminds you of your genitals. The fabric between alternate universes may be fracturing and some of the listeners may be travelling in time (but no fpoilerf), but otherwise it's business as usual. And a very exciting stone pole too.

Beardy Thiftle Man - It's late in the evening on the 12th August 2021 and Richard is taking a crepuscular walk around the Stocean, though his path is strangled by crops and wheat. He meets a weird small man on his way who may be the embodiment of a plant and gives you some folk lore about the moon. But it's otherwise a moribund edition of the podcast. But you must listen to it anyway.

Chapter 102 - Four Bearf. It's 7pm on 29th July 2021 and Richard is out for a calm intermediate stone clear on a spookily quiet evening. The conditions are tough as the crops are dense on one side and the weeds spiky on the other and not many stones can be cleared, but that's why we've moved on beyond the beginners' lessons now. Because stone clearing is TOUGH. There's some fun with diarrhoea and the chapter is slightly truncated as Rich received an email from a 1970s kids' TV star who he couldn't remember the name of and who it turned out at the end of the podcast (when Rich googled him) had died in quite an unpleasant way. I don't know how he managed to email in, but out of a rare burst of sensitivity we've decided to delete the portion of the podcast in which this occurred out of respect for this childhood hero. You can sponsor Rich's half marathon here http://justgiving.com/monoball

Ye Nettlef and Ye Thiftles. It's just after 8am on 8th July 2021 and things are about to get Intermediate. Do not liften to yif podcaft unleff thou have liftened to all 100 chapterf and ye Fummertime Fpecial. There is some pretty strong stuff in this one and all your preconceptions of stone clearing will be blown away. Plus loads of really good songs. Only for intermediate stone clearers though. Sponsor Richard here and stave off curses and get better good luck for a year http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 100 - Ball(f). It's 8.33am on 30th June 2021 and the momentous day has arrived. The final Beginners' Chapter and number 100 (of infinity). There are a few clues of the intermediate stone clearing that is to come, but it's mainly a celebration of stone clearing and gerontophilia. Even the FF are keeping a respectful diftance. Enjoy this whilst you can because things are going to get TOUGH from here on in. Only those with balls can carry on to the next level. You are allowed to count the balls of your feet. Become a monthly badger here: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges. Don't end up like Brian Wheat. Support the people who took my ball here: http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 99 - A Fea of Blood It's around about 5.40pm of the 22nd June 2021 and it's a relaxed evening stone clear as we come to the end of the beginner chapters and start to look forward with apprehension to what the intermediate chapters shall bring. A couple of advanced tips may frighten you, but otherwise it's plain sailing, watched over by the souls of a million fallen stone clearers. When will we fall and join the poppied dead? No one knows when, we only know that it muft come to paff. If you wish to sponsor Richard for his half-marathon run head to http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter 98 - Armiftice Day (with a Bee) It's 8.06am on 9th June 2021 and the 100th chapter is approaching. But is that meaningful or do stones not count? The stocean is so fecund that even the people round the edge of it can get pregnant and the souls of dead stone clearers emerge via poppies, the Stone Stasi may have a dangerous new weapon and the cairns and the stone pole are obscured by nettles. What a time to still be alive. Just. This also includes another chapter 98 from May 18th where the recording went wrong, but you might as well listen to what survives. If you have enjoyed these free podcasts and want to donate to charity, please sponsor Richard here: http://justgiving.com/monoball

Chapter Ninety-seven - Bubblef - It's 8.30am on 14th May 2021 and it's grey and drizzly, but it's one of the last few beginner chapters and soon we'll be moving on got intermediate stone clearing. So buckle up. For now we're talking about folly fins and the power of the rain to cleanfe the fuperior life formf, where the foul of the stone doth refide and how everything if bubbles. There's a couple of celebrity emails and the name of the blafphemer doth come up for the firft time in a while.

Chapter Ninety Fix - What's the Point in That if You Don't Know What a Cairn is? - It's 7.45am on the 4th May 2021 and the wind she doth blow. Most of the podcast sounds like a washing up bottle full of pebbles being shaken by a toddler, but you might be able to make out Richard's words of wisdom amongst the mayhem. It'll be worth it, because there's an email from a big celebrity. And though your ears will be full of chaos, the field is almost back to its previous state. See in the picture the state of repair to Michael's Cairn.

Chapter Ninety-Five - Ye Borg Queen Doth Bifhop. It's 27th April 2021, around 8.30am and after the genuine trauma of the last chapter, Richard has licked his wounds and is back on the Ftocean trying to undo what was done to him. But who is the madman in this situation, the person throwing stones on to the field or the one throwing them off? Is it possible they are both as mad or sane as each other? These things are sent to test our faith in the stone gods, who really seem to be testing (and teste-ing him this year) and whatever the dangers, the work muft continue. There's always been danger in this, but now there is genuine danger. Richard has been doing this long enough now to be able to read nature's clock. What a lovely big clock nature hath?

Chapter 94 - Vandalf. Richard is on his first official audio chapter since the stone gods decided to teach him a lesson about removing stones. It should be a happy occasion, but some person or force has gone out of their way to turn his world upside down. Trigger warning - those concerned about the welfare of stones should not liften. But this is worse than having cancer. And also very disrespectful to the memory of the original stone clearer Michael (RIP). We will overcome my friends. This is like when the pretend God tested Job. Obviously stone clearing is always serious, but this is a more serious one. Why hast thou forfaken me?

Ye Ultimate Ftone Clear. It's 9th April 2021, around about 3pm. It's been a few weeks since Richard was struck down and forced to clear a very special stone, but as Fpring returns he takes his first tentative steps back on the Ftocean, in audio and video. Wolfie is away so can not join him, but there is much to process and a special stone to find. How many stones have grown in the enforced vacation? What effect will the absence have on the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit? Will the Ftone Pole bode good luck or bad? And which member of the Goodies will attempt to catch Rich in the act. It's an emotional return to the field and a tribute to the grumpy old bugger who has left us. If you enjoyed all the free content over lockdown please consider buying a ticket to one (or more) of the live RHLSTPs in May, June and July at the Clapham Grand (actual audience tickets available as well as online ones) http://richardherring.com/gigs. Use Richard Herring before we lose him for good.

Chapter 93 - Myftery Fnowy Footprintf. It's bang on 8am on 9th February 2021 and the Stocean is covered in fnow again. But that will not ftop a hardened ftone clearer. Or one without an erection. Today you will learn the important of the icy kick, some freezer wisdom from the Venerable Bede and another rule to add to your list and to update on https://sites.google.com/view/stoneclearing/ if you're the person who has been failing to keep that up to date. Perhaps you've been got by the stone Stasi. There's a great stone pole and a lame chase from the one member of the Stone Stasi who is committed enough to be up and at em on a cold February morning. Is love in the air?

Chapter 92 - Fpunking Ftones. It's 8.20am on 2nd February 2021 and the fnow has gone and the mud doesn't feem as bad in comparifon. There's some big twiftf and revelations in this week'sf chapter and Rich rifkf a fchifm by nailing his colourf to the maft on a controverfial fubject. Is the Roman villa Roman or a villa? Have you ever made a stone ejaculate? Does that mean that they don't or is the fault with you? Will you be able to cope with the new pace that will come as the chapters become more advanced in a few weeks? Are our human lives important at all? And do the stone Stasi need me to survive in order to keep themselves as relevant as Lego Batman? An incredible stone pole too. You might want to become a badger now: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges

Chapter 91 - Yellow Fnow. It's 8.25am on the 26th January 2021 and we've gone straight to an intermediatery lesson as the Stocean is covered in crispy snow. How do you clear stones when you can't see stones? What are the best ways to surreptitiously melt it? And will science ever work out what snow even is? There's a vicious attack from the horrible muzzled dog and a friendly (?) greeting form the mobility scooter lady. Plus more celebrity emails.

Chapter 90 - The Three Df. It's 8am on the 21st January 2021 and Rich has left behind his film star career for the glamour of stone clearing. He has to lift a tree that is blocking his path and receives a veiled threat from a member of the Ftone Ftafi and he also has to take a diversion into the village to pick up some tabloids where Wolfie meets her enemy. It's all happening. Only 10 chapters away until we've completed the beginners' course and can move on to more advanced techniques.

Chapter 89 - Frofti Graf. It's 8.05am on 7th January 2021 and it's the first recorded clear of a New Year, though the ftones laugh at the paffage of a year, which is but the blink of an eye to them. The world descends into chaos, but the ftocean remains constant and calm with everything slowly being put in its correct place. Some are calling Herring mad, but perhaps he is the only fane man on the planet. The stones certainly tell him that he is. The cold earth grips her stones tight. But Herring prises them away and the stones thank him. Literally. Let he who has ears underftand.

Chapter 88 - Dead Beets. It's after 9am on 29th December 2020 and Richard is looking back on one of the greatest years in history for stone clearing. He has to deal with star struck villagers (and some pretending not to be star struck) and a potential rambler orgy, but has an admission about his 'career' that may surprise no one. The Alpha and Omega cairn (pictured) is growing fast after just two and a bit years of attention and the stones are growing nicely as the mud clears. But will Richard find Wolfie's name tag? So much incident and excitement that you might expire. Don't listen to this if you're trying to sleep.

Chapter Eighty-feven - The Fomme. It's 7.45am on the 15th December 2020 and today's stone clear is in memory of Patrick Hill's dog Dizzy. Richard is forced to think of a time where he (or Wolfie) might traverse this field without their best friend. If his failing fitness is anything to go by then Wolfie should outlive him. There are still camouflaged beets and the mud is as bad as ever, but the hope of new stones growing through the mud like hammy poppies keeps the spirits up. There's the biggest stone for a while and one that looks like an egg, but the Stone Stasi are quiet. Maybe a bit too quiet. But Rich says hello to a lady in a dressing gown, so there's some human interaction.

Chapter Eighty-Fix - The Darkneff. It's 5.10pm on the 1st December 2020 and night has fallen. Richard braves the ghost-ridden field, which is too scary even for the Ftone Ftafi for his first dedicated night clear and the conditions are atrocious. The farmer has driven their tractor all over the path and the central part of the stocean is like quite slow quick sand, but more soily. Will our hero get out alive? And how do you see stones in the dark? And what becomes of the beets when they rot? Desiccated or slimy? Plus a beet joke to lighten the mood. It's terrifying, like a horror film. You'll love it. Sponsored by Limilo: https://www.northeasttechnologypark.com/netpark-companies/limilo/

Chapter 85 - Trampoline Fox. It's 7:40am on 24th November 2020 and the stocean is eerily calm and quiet. Brooding clouds overhead forewarn of something dire to come, but where are the FF? It's a long clear with a couple of technical difficulties, but the Ftone Boxing Day ftones are good and Richard only has to hide in a wood once. To support Movember donate here: http://rhlstp.co.uk/movember Get Richard's ebook for an insulting 99p here: https://amzn.to/3m2anCm

Chapter 84 - Fhorn, Not Fhaun. It's 7.32am on 17th November 2020 (but when's international MEN'S day?) and the stocean is fully harvested and the undergrowth has had a haircut. At last we get to see the incredible progress made around the outskirts as we anticipate the cold of winter. Where are the Ftone Ftafi today? And will there finally be a successful Ftone Pole? And does he mean fecund or fecond? Sponsored by Eggbox Imaging for all your Buckinghamshire post production needs. To support Richard's moustache please donate here http://rhlstp.co.uk/movember

Chapter 83 - Mud - It's 7.30am on 10th November 2020 and finally the beets are all harvested, but there are enough left lying on the ground to provide someone with a fine broken beet business. Today's episode is sponsored by HebTroCo - check em out https://hebtro.co/. Ftone Chriftmaf has not been as fecund as Ftone Eafter but there are fome rich feams nonetheleff. There's another surprise celebrity email, but hardly anything else of worth. Support Rich at Movember http://rhlstp.co.uk/movember or use your Amazon Prime sub (all November subs will go to Movember too)

Chapter 82 - Rain Orcheftra. It's 7.30am on 3rd November 2020 and the rain if coming down. But that's no reason not to support the endeavours of today's sponsor. Singingringingtwee Cavity Searches Ltd (and their CEO Chris Ives) whose money will be going to support comedy clubs through lockdown). The alien harvesters have been and the field is shorn of both beets and stones, though slaughtered beets remain to cause organic confusion. The rain makes its music as it falls and Rainn Wilson makes his second appearance. At the end Rich thinks his headphones have run out of power, but the audio continues in its usual high quality right until the end. If you'd like to donate to Rich's fund for Movember then head here my fine friends http://rhlstp.co.uk/movember

Chapter 81 - The Lord'f My Fhepherd. It's 7.59am on, let me work it out, the 27th October 2020. The harvest has had to happen by now, right? Right??? Another dip into the book of medieval stone clearing mottos PLUS the great ftone hymnal comes into play. All that plus the stone pole, a shape-shifting octopus woman and Richard forgetting to do the singing, ringing tree on the one say it would probably have worked. Download RHLSTP 300 to give some money to Refuge: http://rhlstp.co.uk/300 Make a donation to Movember to thank Richard and the Stone Gods for all that they do for you: http://rhlstp.co.uk/movember

Chapter 80 - Day of the Triffidf. It's 8.13am on 20th October 2020, the 20th month of 2020 (or it feels like that anyway). The conditions are damp but God is peeking down through the clouds from his heaven above. Will the harveft have come? And if not are we in danger from the plants that caused the Black Death? Richard is once again followed by the dogless lady who keeps sneaking up on him (cf the live stone clears on YouTube) and is being asked the sources for his Anglo Faxon wifdom. It's a dull clear, but they can't all be gold.

Chapter Seventy-Nine - Imagine All The People Clearing All the Ftones. It's 8am on 14th October 2020 and over 2 years since Richard started stone clearing (sept 2018) but not quite two years since he started these chapters (12th November 2018) and amazingly there are still a few stones left to clear. More medieval wisdom today, plus tales from the North of Adrian's wall of the backward tribe of Scotch stone clearers, plus a surprisingly spritely John Lennon joins the stone stasi. Plus the finging ringing tree, the ftone pole, the ditch that ftopped Brexit and cured Covid and your emails. Check out http://twitch.tv/rkherring and subscribe to save yourself from the curse of 2021.

Chapter Feventy-Eight - I'm Just On The Phone. It's after 9am on the 6th October and the farmer has still forgotten about their crop, but the sun is out and so is the moon and Rich is chilled and loquacious. He is almost discovered by a ftealth ftone ftafi and sees a Spunkular out on the stocean, but otherwise he can mainly relax and tell you about his cupboard and his book and the ancient wisdom of medieval times. Plus bonus attempt at cupboard unblocking.

Chapter Feventy-Feven: Jamef Hunt and Niki...... It's 7.48am on 23rd September 2020 and the prospect of second lockdown hangs heavy on the fhoulders of everyone but the stone clearer. He lives by the rules of the field, not the rules of the BJ. There is a surprise celebrity guest out on the stocean today and some wise sayings about blackberries and shelves. Plus an email from one of our foreign listeners. Plus quite a lot of awkward silence. It's everything you could want and more.

Chapter Feventy-Fix - Chameleon Man. It's before 8am on 17th September 2020, but Rich has already been awake for two hours. But it's time for the podcast to get serious and into some next level stone-clearing, if the FF will keep out of Rich's grill. There are some new enemies to contend with as well as advice on how to deal with another stone clearer on your patch. More ancient wisdom and the first email for a while that doesn't feel like someone has just written the first thing that they've thought up. Support the Snooker kickstarter if you have lost your mind, here http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter Check out Rich's video stone clears either live on Twitch http://twitch.tv/rkherring or on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Herring1967

Chapter Feventy-Five - Ye Beetf Go On. It's approaching 9am on 9th September 2020 and a sleep-deprived Richard Herring hopes that his befuddled head will give him access to the realm of the Morlocks, logdogs and babies on horses. He has one dull hallucination but otherwise he just meets a load of new Stone Stasi with meat dogs. A wondrous transgression of the rules (well if the government can do it) leads him to the harvested next door field and a wonderland of mediums, not like the crap he's having to deal with in his own stocean. Only another six months to chapter 100. Maybe lockdown two will be over by then.

Chapter Seventy Four - King Pofeidon'f Trident. It's just after 5pm on 1st September 2020 and Richard's mood is calmed by the beauty of a late summer sun. He makes an astonishing archaeological discovery early on, but it's not a stone so who cares. The stone bowling alley sees some fine bowls and a Ftone Ftafi member prevents access to the stone pole. Plus Rich reluctantly discusses his charity work. Thanks for making the Kickstarter work. Check out live stone clearing on Twitch: http://twitch.tv/rkherring

Chapter 73 - David Bowie Dog. It's 6pm on 24th August 2020 and Rich is confused about how many chapters in he is. You have a very limited time left to get your witch's finger or dick or lovely numbered membership card so head here NOW http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter. Rich is surprised by a Stone Stasi member who seems friendly enough, but note what he calls his dog. There's a brief intermission where Siri cuts in to heckle Rich. It's a short chapter but an important one. Liften to the Ftones.

Chapter Seventy-Two - What If Wolfie Thinking? It's just before 8am on 17th August 2020 and Rich is in pensive mood - so much so that he forgets that he is podcasting at one point. It's nearly two years since he started and, despite having cleared thousands of stones, how many more lie beneath the soil? Will he ever finish? His chances are about as good as the current kickstarter campaign hitting its target. But if you have enjoyed these chapters and/or the Twitch stuff, check out your chance to get a stone clearers' guild membership card, proficiency badges and even a witch's finger (or dick) here rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter All profits will go towards making yet more online content.

Chapter 71 - Hydrate. It's just after 8.30am on 12th August 2020 and Richard is back from his holidays, but it's already boiling hot and he fears he will die of thirst and his bones be discovered by future stone clearers. Will he die and join the heavenly realm of stone clearers? Probably not. He has info about the imminent kickstarter campaign and good advice on how to stone clear in this awful heat. Keep an eye on Richard's Twitter for details of how to get your scout badges and witch's finger or dick @Herring1967 and tune into http://twitch.tv/rkherring for more top class entertainment which for some reason is not considered suitable for mainstream TV.

Chapter Seventy - Tractor Trampled Beetf. It's 8am on 29th July 2020 and Rich is on the brink of leaving you all for a life with a Hollywood fuperftar, but might as well get one stone clear in before that happens. The farmer has been sabotaging his own crop and the stone Stasi are quiet, maybe too quiet, but Rich is not put off and manages to clear over 20 more stones in the 30+ minutes of this lesson. May be a break for the holiday next week or a fummertime fpecial. Who knows? What's the big TV job? If only there was some way to find out.

Chapter 69 - Funflower. It's 6pm on 21st July 2020 and Richard is out for a summer evening clear. The field has a mysterious splattering of yellow amongst its beety crop. What can it mean? Is it a signal of some kind? The kickstarter for membership of the Guild of Stone Clearers draws ever nearer and there's some Stone Stasi pretending to be gardeners, but Wolfie knows who they really are and warns them off. There's also an important discussion as to why it is acceptable to find stone clearers sexy. Because they are.

Chapter 68 - Prickled by a Prickler. It's approximately 8.06am on 14th July and a 53 year-old Richard Herring is wading through the rain and dew soaked crops to give you a podcast with less chat and more stone clearing. Should have got some Richard Herring Prickle Guards from Amazon. He's got a pocket full of valuable witches' dicks and he's wearing his gloves and he's back where he belongs in audio, appearing on a podcast with stones that can talk for themselves. It's quiet out there. Maybe too quiet. And who is putting branches on the cairns?

Chapter Fixty-Feven - Coca Cola Fponforfhip. It's about 8.20am on 30th June and the weather was almost cold enough for Richard to wear his North Face jacket (Whichever direction your face is pointing, choose North Face) and he wears it anyway and gets a bit hot. He's on the search for more dicks (and fingers) and to a cynical eye might be attempting to monetise this ancient art. You can be sure he would never do that though, even if Ian Cocacola is intent on getting his branding into this podcast. Will Wolfie attack a dog and how will Rich respond when directly challenged about what he's up to. Surely his years of training means he won't make the same mistake as Cowley in The Great Escape? Look out for the ftone clearing kickftarter that will be coming foon. Occasional live streamed stone clears at http://twitch.tv/.rkherring

Stone Clearing Chapter Fixty Fix - Witch'f Finger or Witch'f Dick? It's 8am on 25th June 2020 and a contrite Richard Herring is back on the fun-baked Ftocean, in audio only, as it should be. He's looking for the petrified digits of magical hags to send out to his loyal army of fupporterf. A reminder of the importance of hydrating in summer months and making sure your dog does not die and blow your cover. Plus an emailer lets Richard have it for his awful felling out. Plus some trowel tips. Back where it belongs. No visuals.

Chapter Sixty-Five - Geometry Leffon. It's about half past four in the afternoon on 10th June 2020 and Rich has recently been bitten by a stone, but he's still not shy. It's the podcast with everything, a squirrel dicing with death, an encounter with some ramblers, witches' fingers, dicks and balls, a tribute to a fallen stone-clearing hero and a selection of stones that have been precision engineered by nature. That's everything right? There's no other podcast like it. If you want to be one of the lamestream fooles then you can join me most mornings at around 8am for live stone clearing at http://twitch.tv/rkherring. And if you're with Amazon Prime you can give me free money. Here's how: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVji_FONrxo

Chapter Fixty-four - Love is like a Butterfly. It's been a while, but it's 29th May 2020 and about 5.15pm and Rich is out in the rich summer evening sun to clear stones. But it's so peaceful and one terrifying incident aside, we're free of the FF and he feels like he's eaten a whole bag of marijuanas. It's a backwards loop and there's now a Dominic Cummingf cairn, but apart from that it's business as usual. Except finally someone is flirting with Rich. Remember if you want to join the mainstream idiots you can watch live stone-clearing most mornings at about 8am at http://twitch.tv/rkherring and if you're with Amazon Prime you can give Rich a free £5 a month too. It's good to be back.

Chapter Sixty-Three - No Nudef Pleafe. It's 8.10am on 22nd April 2020 and Richard has been dragged away from his TV stardom on Twitch (http://twitch.tv/rkherring) by a technical glitch and has deigned to come back here to give you audiophiles a little bit of guidance. But you know he loves you most and hates all those fame hungry Twitchers who are bombarding him with nude selfies. He thanks the Stone Gods that none of you would ever do that. Probably some stuff about stones in here too. It's hard to remember now.

Chapter 62 - Can You Stone Clear Without A Dog? It's Eafter Monday 13th (not 12th) April at about 8.45am and Rich is doing his first ever completely solo stone clear. Will it be the same without Wolfie (she's OK, just on a little holiday at the in-laws)? Has Rich's head been turned by the tens of people who have been tuning in to WATCH him ftone-clear? (THE BLAFPHEMY - check it out 8am most mornings at http://twitch.tv/rkherring) NO. He disdains those idiots and only likes the true flag hagf who will only listen to podcasts recorded from inside his pocket. But, in exciting field news, there's a new bench on the field.

Chapter Fixty One - Fell Out It's the evening of 23rd March in the first year of the plague and Richard seems to be distracted by the huge break out success of his twitch tv stream of live stone clearing http://twitch.tv/rkherring. Is he heading for a fall? Has he fold out? Join him at 8am every morning to find out and see what it looks like outside. And if you have an Amazon Prime account, get a twitch account, link the accounts (do this on a browser - just put Twitch into search on Amazon and click the button) and then subscribe to Richard's channel using the subscribe button and Twitch Prime option.

Chapter Fixty - Ricky's Villa? It's 5.45pm on 17th March in the year of the plague. The terrified inhabitants of Richard's village are cowering in their houses, terrified of an invisible virus (the fuperftitiouf fool), but nothing will stop the clearing of the stones. Richard ponders more on the volume of ancient brick in one portion of the field, but mainly seems trying to convince you to follow him on http://twitch.tv/rkherring for live stone clearing and more and to persuade you to give him your free Amazon Prime subscribe (or some money). But his heart remains pure and he comes up with a scheme to cure the country of its malady. Well done on getting on board before stone clearing hit the mainstream.

Chapter 59 - The Hangover. It's approaching 9am on 11th March 2020 and Spring has sprung, but Richard has been drinking and is not sure he can get round the field without being fick. But it's a podcast packed with incident, including the first significant human contact for a while and theories of the eugenics of the stones. If you don't enjoy this one then I am not sure that a man going round a field clearing stones is really for you.

Chapter 58 - Up Above Ye Ftreetf And Ye Houfef. It's a chapter of two parts as the stone gods curse the first recording and end it after 15 minutes (Richard did another half an hour which you could only have heard if you hid in a bush). But then we pick it up a day later. It's the 2nd and 3rd March 2020 and we have the stone clearer cure for the coronavirus, which was much better in the lost podcast. Plus forgiveness from the stone gods, a rude teenager and finally a chat about the road works with a passerby. The lost podcast was amazing though.

Chapter Fifty-Feven - Hot and Cold Ftone Maffage. It's 8am on 25th February 2020 and this lesson is ostensibly about the best way to get stones to the edge during a cross field clear. But Richard reveals what might be the origin story of his fascination with ftones and how this whole thing might be an attempt to dredge up repressed memories of a man maybe using stones as an excuse to touch Richard's winkie. Maybe not though. He might just have dreamed it. But it does make sense of his obsession with the temperature of stones. Trigger warning - if a man has touched your winkie twice whilst giving you a massage, this podcast might dredge up memories of having your winkie touched twice during a massage.

Chapter Fifty-Fix - Ftorm Dennif - It's the evening of February 15th, Faint Fkeletor'f Day and the skull-faced hero has stirred up a hurricane. But the stone clearing must be done and Richard bravely risks his life to bring you this chapter of how to clear in adverse weather conditions, which also serves as his last will and testament. He is perhaps less brave at the end than the beginning, but tune in to find out if he survives and if he gains a new found respect for trees.

Chapter 55 - The Human Diamond. It's the eve of 12th February 2020 and Ftorm Ciara has left behind devastation and fallen trees, but all the ftones are fafe. The overcast sky leaves its mark on Richard's soul, but he will press onwards towards oblivion. Someone has been kicking stones back on to the field. An aggrieved and terrified villager or a sleep-walking Herring. No one can be sure. All we know is that stones will not be defeated by the imaginary force of wind.

Chapter 54: Jerufalem. It's 4th February 2020, not December or January as is claimed by the tired and confused host of the podcast, whose brain is weak but whose arms are strong. And it's the first difficult visit to the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit since Brexit. Plus the bowling technique, a new rule and some great Hasselhoffing to keep you going. And Rich discusses how TV fame will never make him forget his fans. No Hollywood superstars or rappers though. It's all downhill from here. Unless William Blake does us a video for next time. To help pay off stone clearing's increasing debts become a monthly badger here http://gofasterstripe.com/badges

Chapter 53: Unneeded Torch. There's an amazing surprise guest to get you in the mood for today's chapter of stone clearing, with some wise words and stone philosophy, but don't let that distract you from the lessons that are imparted in this very important chapter, mainly not to take your torch with you if there is still daylight. But Rich is forced off the field in an exciting game of cat and mouse with a possible ghost, but still managed to feed the Ditch that ftopped Brexit to definitely once and for all ftop Brexit. Who controls your destiny? Stones.

Chapter 52 - Ice Clearing. The first frost of 2020 has turned the ground into a clench-jawed child and only loose milk teeth shall be cleared today. Some chat about why no stone clearer can have a partner of any kind and some stuff about not having sex with dogs, which I think we can all get on board with. Plus how did Hasselhoffing get its name? The answer might surprise you. Look at the progress on the main cairn. Pretty impressive huh? Off the ftocean we join Richard as he attempts the relatively simple task of driving a car 50 metres down the road and for a moment thinks his dog is on fire. Plus a celebrity email about whether water can ever be a stone. You are in for a treat. Sorry the recording kept cutting off. Probably the cold.

Chapter 51 - Beft Coat. It's 5pm on 13th January 2020 and it's time for a cold night time clear. Richard has seen the error of his ways and not allowed a sponsor for this week's podcast, because stone clearers clear for love not money. There is some important lessons in maths and whether clothes are good or bad and the worldwide brotherhood of stone clearers. Also why you shouldn't wear you best coat when stone clearing. The best thing you can say about this one is that is mercifully short.

Chapter 50 - Mile-ftone. It's the first stone clearing podcast of the new decade and the 50th chapter- though the ftones would laugh at you for thinking either of those things were remarkable. And we finally have a fponfor - Faynor Fales www.saynorsales.com But how will the ftones feel about Rich felling out and being fupported by a business that exploits ftones - will they send a sign with a magic radioactive stone that looks like a pound of flesh the discarding of which seemingly destroys the broadcast? You'll have to listen to see. Otherwise find out how stone clearing might be responsible for the evolution of all life on earth and hear of Richard's secret plan to make this a podcast that's just about him moaning about his marriage, once you've all stopped listening. Do keep your emails and sponsorship offers coming in herring1967@gmail.com. Here's to the next 50.

Chapter 49 - Happy Anuary. It's just before midday on 31st December 2019, but your human anniversaries mean nothing to the ftones or their gods. Anus only looks forwards and so shall we. Some more stones get cleared and somehow the history of stone clearing gets more smeared with soil and Richard attempts to stop himself falling into the hot water of judging stones by their colours or women by their strangeness. Also transatlantic communication from a famous actress promises hope of a new love, but only in the event of an accident. Alaf, Richard muft return to his family for now, but who knows which way the winds of Anuf will blow.

Chapter 48 - The Curfed Chapter. Boxing Day 2019 and it's around 12.30pm so only an idiot would call it morning. This was already the second attempt at a podcast today, but the first recorded from inside a pocket (and we've done that before) and this one mysteriously cut off halfway. I suspect the Catholic Church may have had some influence over this as both times I tried to explain the true hiftory of Jefuf. This was not as good as the first attempt and we have lost much, but then we also lost the last ten minutes and the pronouncement 'Be Fit, don't be Fhit' so you're really missing out. But there's a Chriftmaf treat for you if you can wait til the end. (picture by Steve Burnett)

Chapter 47: Burder. It's around 8.20am on 17th December 2019 and before he can get any stone clearing down Richard has to try and get the last bit of recycling into his bin whilst trying to prevent his dog running into traffic. After that it's business as usual as the world's slowest nervous breakdown unfolds before your ears. Some good clarification about whether you can poo on stones though and more fears that this podcast is now listened to only by perverts. A gruesome discovery of a exploded bird might make you wonder if that is a portent of something to come (a dead mouse led to a major fire) or if it was assassinated for attempting to clear stones. But the weafel in the field is the Ditch that Ftopped Brexit. Has it ftopped working? And why? And what part have the BBC played in all this? There's a lot to take in and I don't want to spoil the many delightful surprises so, you know, listen to it and find out what's in it and stop reading this.

Chapter 46 - Urinary Onan. It's about 8.20am on 11th December 2019 and ye fun is just above horizon and there is froft on ye ground and Richard has some expert tips on the subterfuge required to be a stone clearer. Plus the cold has got to his bladder, but has he sunk so low as to wee on a podcast (TRIGGER WARNING - YES). Who is the real sick man? Who are the worst kind of hypocrites? Who is satirising who in this podcast and should you be more ashamed than Herring? Your hand gets a mention and Rich inadvertently offends a blind dog. Plus has he done enough, or too much to ftop Brexit? Become a monthly badger to see 30 minute filmed documentary from the Stocean. http://gofasterstripe.com/badges

Chapter 45 - Afteroidf. It's just before 5pm on 2nd December and aside from crepuscular light in the distance and the smiling moon, all is dark. And it's time to ponder whether there is stone clearing on other planets and why stones brought organic life to our world. Plus nighttime transgressions and Edmondsing. It's the podcast with everything.

Chapter 44 - Am I Right, Ammonite? It's about 8.20am on the 26th November 2019 and Rich is going the long way round. With some hard earned wisdom about how weather works and some fine Hasselhoffing and a largely undisturbed run from dog walkers and log dogs, he gives us the chance to reconnect with the stones and the sound of boots squelching in mud as he destroys potential archaeology and casts aside the sea creatures of eons ago. Plus is there a wood clearer attempting to taunt him and who shall win the battle of wood, stone and flesh? Plus a joke.

Chapter 43 - Ivory Towerf. It's 7.45am on 14th November 2019 (as it turns out one year and two days since the first chapter, but stone clearers like Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays) and the weather is overcast. Richard is out on the muddy field, clearing stones for real, not just reading about doing that in books like Bryan Bramble and the students at his University of Stone Clearing in Wellington. He has some harsh words for those who study rather than do and for anyone who collects stones in a mortar board, plus is reminded of his mortality by the increasing coldness of the stones. Fummer is over. And what has happened to all the other dog walkers? Oh they're over there.

Chapter 42 - Headphone Narnia: It's November 6th and nearly 5pm and Richard is heading out into the dark Hertfordshire night to try and clear as many ftones as he can whilst shrouded in the cloak of night. It's been a while since he's done a night clear and he has to remind himself of torch and dog poo holding etiquette, but his ungloved hands may be cold and dirty, but they are nimble. More mottos and rules to live your stone clearing life by and probably some other stuff too, I can't really remember now. But stop trying to find some spoilers - just liften to the ftones my friend and enter your own Narnia (I forgot that everyone gets turned to stone there, that would have been a good point to make.)

Chapter 41 - Father and Fon. It's about 9am on 30th October 2019 and no need to thank me but Brexit has been averted. Today's podcast in the autumn sunshine involves multiple dog walkers, the pride and fear involved in bringing your children Stone Clearing, how stones are more important than even your own offspring and how the Brexit Ditch will only accept humble offerings. Plus mystery whistling, Roman villas and tantalising info on the Stone People. Plus are women allowed to clear stones. This is the only stone-clearing podcast that dares to tell the truth.

Chapter 40 - Lady in Red. It's 8.39am on 18th October and Rich has a lot of work to do, but instead he's doing this. It's a full podcast which ticks all your boxes and, fingers crossed, has done enough to thwart Brexit. Remember to donate to the ditch when it succeeds. Along the way there are rules, madrigals, out of breathness, speculation about impregnated boots and government attempts to thwart the project. Plus the welcome return of the log dog. And some mud.

Chapter 39: The War Betwixt Ftone and Flesh. It's just after 8am on 9th October 2019 and the weather is overcast and the ground so soft that any stone can be pulled out. There's some expert Hasselhoffing on display as Richard enjoys the Ftone harveft and some of the medieval times' less impressive motivational rhymes. And for the first time in a while he's going the long way round and regaling us with legends of where the stones came from and how he plans to live forever himself. Kindly he caters to the insomniacs that he knows do not use this podcast for its intended purpose, but not the onanists who are definitely not using the podcast for its intended purpose. A call from his wife truncates the recording, but not much is lost. Plus is Richard playing into the hands of Borif Johnfon? And can he be seen from space?

Chapter 38 - STP. It's the evening of the last day of September 2019 and the conditions are damp. Richard and Wolfie go out to see if the Brexit ditch can have as much effect on world events as it clearly did last week and whether Boris Johnson has found the way to dampen its magic. There are more medieval aphorisms to help you with your stone clearing and some amazing discoveries including a very big stone, a stone that seems to have writing on it (a warning from the stone?) and a heart-shaped stone which seems to be encouraging Richard to carry on. Mixed messages from the world of geology perhaps. But Richard presses on, even though his wife nearly catches him in the act, which could be a marriage-ending moment. Please again, no w*nking to this podcast.

Chapter Thirty Feven - Ftone Fanta. It's 5.30pm on 23rd September 2019 and a tired and emotional and seemingly quite unfit Richard Herring has woken up to find the Ftone Fanta has been and the field that has been hit by every element possible in the last month has now been ploughed and there are boulders everywhere. Hear him struggle to lift the biggest stone ever off the field (pictured), hear him struggle to breath as he carries other stones across the field. Is that heavy breathing what it sounds like? Oh God, thank goodness this is audio only. Listen to a man so bewildered by the sheer abundance of stones that he finds it difficult to speak. You do not have permission to pleasure yourself to this episode.

Chapter Thirty-Fix - Morning Again! It's 8.30am on 17th September and Richard Herring is on the way out to see how the village will react to the triumphant comedy gig he has just done in the village hall. Whilst some stones are cleared there's a lot to delight canine coprophiles in this chapter, as Richard diligently cleans up dog poo at his own personal expense, whilst many less scrupulous dog walkers fail to bag the poop. There's a moment of extreme levity to take us out of the otherwise serious discipline and some sage advice about how many hours a day a newbie stone clearer can clear without risking death.

Chapter 35: Ashes to Ashes. It's about 5.30pm on 10th September 2019 and the village is still buzzing with talk of the fire. And whilst people count the financial cost of the damage, Richard is fairly jigging round the field as he finds stone after stone, each huger and more stony that the last. The plough has not made its official visit to the field yet, but what a harvest there is to come if this is anything to go by. The Brexit Ditch has its work cut out for it today, plus more emails from you, the listeners. We do read all the emails, but sorry, we can only read out the best ones.

Chapter 34: Fire and Rim Stones. It's 2nd September 2019 and as the world burns, so incredibly does my field and quite a lot of stuff around it. Not the stones though. They are impervious. It's an action packed stone clearing, only slightly spoiled by the first 20 minutes of the podcast failing to record again. After so many hallucinations on the field can it be true that there were firemen, a fire engine and burned decking? And is it inappropriate that Richard is jocular about the devastation and delighted that a small amount of ploughing designed to stop the out of control flames has thrown up a bumper crop of stones? You will never have heard such an eventful stone clearing podcast, even if you've listened to every episode of every stone clearing podcast in the world. I expect the mouse got cremated too.

Chapter 33: Dead Mouse. It's about twenty past six on the 29th August 2019 and even though it's just two days since the last one, Richard is out for another stone clearing podcast, to make up for the truncated one (but maybe he'll test your resolve by making this daily). It starts philosophically but then becomes more so as Richard comes face to face with mortality. But he also is forced to question whether the stones have been making a Great Escape in his absence and what his role in history will be. Is he one of the baddies? There's another fish to wrestle in at almost the exact same spot as last time and a Brexit reckoning to be had. Plus your emails. Do keep those coming in.

Stone Clearing Chapter 32 (partial) Rust and Dust - It's an evening do walk on 27th August 2019 and Rich is trying to remember how to stone clear, but also wondering how the field and cairns will have changed in the four weeks he's been away. It turns out it's a lot. But also the effort required in landing a huge stone clinging to the stocean with all its might causes something to go terribly wrong and for this to become another legendary podcast beset by technical difficulties, which will make Herring question what he is even doing here.

Chapter Thirty-One: When Ye Bee Meeteth Ye Thiftle, Then Who Will Be Ftung? - It's 6.35pm on 23rd July and Hertfordshire is baking under a heat wave, but there are stones in the shape of buns and dog genitalia to find and computer game characters melded with tennis players to avoid. And a bee on a thistle. And the possibility of a Boris Johnson funded pro-Brexit ditch. Let us all be thankful that this podcast is fronted by the one stone-clearer not to be driven mad by the immensity of the challenge he has set himself. And one who has such clear respect for the army of listeners who email him each week. Happy Birthday Kevin Franklin.

Chapter 30: Judy Murray Assignation. It's approaching 5pm on 8th July 2019 and Richard Herring has hurt his big toe, but nothing can stop him stone clearing, not even the prickly plants that are threatening to take him down like the Triffids they dream of being. Richard has to get home to take over childcare and is also risking a curse by making his first harvest of stones to take off the field for (un)lucky kickstarters, so maybe he is a little distracted. But he also wants to risk a major daylight transgression, but will the mother of Andy and Jamie Murray turn up to thwart him? And is Prince Andrew going to start stone-clearing soon? Before this episode you would have said that was unlikely. But with stone clearing anything can happen.

Chapter 29: Don't Be Distracted By Botany. It's 8.10am on 1st July 2019 and the big news is that Richard has misplaced his trowel. Will the last minute substitute that he found in his garage suffice? There's only one way to find out. It's very much a first day back at work after the holidays, but includes some excellent long lobs, a major and flagrant transgression into the Whocean, bare legs and a terrifying new surveillance technique from the Stone Stasi which could capture even the most rat-like stone clearer. Plus further lessons in Anglo-Faxon and a flirtation with a sexy listener via the medium of cat-sick. This podcast really has everything.

Fummertime Fpecial. Richard is in Devon and it's the Fummer Folftice, the holiest of days for a stone clearer. And he has discovered a cairn that could only have been built by giants or Merlin or a giant Merlin. Will he fall to his death from the mountain he has climbed or will his secret from his wife remain? Also why stones are better than sewage.

Chapter 28: Bramble (Not Bryan) Protector. It's around 7.50am on 13th June 2019 and the Stocean has been replaced by a still, yet wet lake of wheat which will have any stone clearer wetting their britches and questioning the role of the foreskin. Not many stones are cleared as the podcast diverts into some unnecessary areas and a shape-shifting member of the stone-stasi is bearing down on Richard and not in the way that he secretly hopes for. Plus some emails. See the Voice of the Ftones, Michael Fheen live on stage, talking about what this job means to him at King's Place on 17th June: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/

Chapter Twenty-Feven - Poppy Leaf - It's about 7.45am on the 5th June 2019 and yet some disgusting inhabitants of the village still have their minds filled with sex, when there is good, moral, purifying and distracting stone clearing to be done. Richard talks at length about how he is not interested in the sordid lives of the perverts he lives amongst and also finds some surprising stones. A heavy-dugged posh woman sends him scuttling down a different path and the post-Brexit (which clearly can't happen as long as the stones go in the ditch) stone-clearing world is discussed. Your emails and a clarification on one of the rules and the beauty of nature that must be crushed by stones. To see the Voice of the Ftones, Michael Fheen talk about the difference the stone clearing job has made to his career, please come to see him on RHLSTP at King's Place, London on 17th June - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/ Sorry I was moving the bins back into the house at the beginning, but thought you'd like to hear that. It's not all stones, stones, stones.

Chapter 26: Rimmed By Labs. It's about 7.45am on 28th May 2019 and the field is thick with dew and Richard has a sartorial surprise for you. Plus find out how he lost 1.5kg in a weekend, what the mysterious multi-dogged man is like up close, why it's hard being the son of a god and further plans to change himself to stone. Plus dog sharks, why wearing red is a bad idea if you are part of the stone stasi and why the medieval stone clearers names and work have generally failed to survive. If you want to see Richard interview voice of the ftones, Michael Fheen, probably exclusively about this job and how he felt getting it and how it has changed his life, then come to Kings Place, London on 17th June for a very special RHLFTP - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/

Chapter 25: Rabbit Army. It's just before 8am on 20th May 2019 and the weather is cloudy. Rich is off for an early morning stone clear wearing his jogging clothing. He's got more emails than he can realistically read out and is having to fight weeds and thoughts of his own mortality. But there's good news from Switzerland re his ambitions to become immortal. He's the victim of a double pincer movement from two old ladies which curtails his clearing efforts today, but still gets in a good few medium medium medium clears. And clarifies what that does and doesn't mean, whilst proposing a more expert 4D system. Plus a pitch for a new TV show to replace Game of Thrones. You'll never guess what it is called. Do check out the stone clearing website, even though is unofficial, not run by Richard and as strewn with errors as the field is full of stones. https://www.stoneclearing.com/

Chapter 24: Bonef of Ftonef. It's approaching 7pm on 14th May 2019 and a trendily dressed Richard is in search of stones (and not dog-walking based love). But more excitingly he's invented a brand new non-confusing stone size classification system that will bring this audio guide into a 3 dimensional video extravaganza (in the cinema of your mind). The crops are so high that is hard to see where the vegetation ends and the stones begin, but that doesn't stop Richard musing on how he might be able to literally become one with the stones and live amongst them for eternity. You may laugh at his vision. But let's face it, laughter is unlikely. Check out https://www.stoneclearing.com for all your stone clearing needs.

Chapter 23: Ye Calm After Ye Ftorm. It's approaching 6pm on May 7th 2019 and Rich is already regretting that he didn't record his last stone clearing jaunt where the Stone Gods showed their displeasure or appreciation (it's so hard to interpret) of his work by sending a storm of fire and ice to punish or reward him. He also chats about how he is prepared to lose one eye (but no more than that) in the quest to achieve is goal and how he hopes he can die out on the field. Has he run out of thing to say about stone clearing? Would people still listen if this was just the sound of a man stone clearing and not commenting about any of it? Why are all the other dog walkers involved in sexual trysts whilst he has to weave crops together to find love? How much more rambling will this become as Herring becomes older, and at what point will you decide it's inappropriate to carry on listening to the disintegration of a once cogent mind? But is not that very mental decay the artistic point of this whole endeavour? The immutable though ironically mute stones remaining unchanged as all around them atrophies? Who knows? Eventually there is some good advice about dealing with nettles. So worth hanging in through the bleak middle section. Oh and did I mention that there is now an unofficial stone clearing website? It's here: https://www.stoneclearing.com/. Richard Herring is not responsible for the content of this site. Or really anything that he does from this point onwards. But this site is by some anonymous stranger, hopefully not Bryan Bramble.

Chapter 22: We Plough Ye Field and Fcatter Ye Good Feed On Ye Ground. It's evening time on 29th April 2019 and Rich is rambling and ambling his way round the field once again to discuss whether it's possible for a man and a stone to create a female stone baby; why he does not recognise the God of the Bible; the place of metal in stone clearing; a crow that became a dog; a double meeting with a dog walker and his dog Wes; and why you mustn't throw stones whilst animals are in the vicinity; and why ski clothing is good to wear in the winter, but not so good once spring is here. Oh and there's some shooting going on in the background, but don't let that distract you. Plus some light relief stand-up comedy from Rich and the other dog walker. You can still donate to the kickstarter (on week of broadcast) and have a chance to get a cursed stone or a T shirt that won't be available anywhere else. Plus a documentary about stone clearing which is all definitely happening now as we've hit our total. Thanks very much for helping out if you did http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter

Chapter 21: Jefuf Chrift. It's a bright sunny morning at about 7.36am on 24th April 2019, but that won't stop Richard somehow making this podcast about sex again. And whether it's possible for a man to breed with a stone is probably the least controversial idea in this chapter as Richard expounds upon his understanding of the Gofpel and whether Jesus was a stone clearer (and one just sent to prepare the world for the true Meffiah). Some stones are cleared and maybe one of them might belong to you. Go to http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter for your chance to own a curfed sftone (or an uncurfed T fhirt). No stones were impregnated during this podcast.

Chapter 20: The Ditch Yat Ftopped Brexit. It's the evening of 15th April 2019 and Richard Herring takes his dog out to do a fhit, whilst secretly going about his own work, to create a monument of such enduring glory that it will make the twilight years of his life worthwhile. It's an oddly sexually charged chapter, with Richard annoyed that the early promise of being seduced by randy village women has come to naught, but at least some of the dog walkers might be getting some. And even though Herring has his eyes on something more valuable than the tawdry rewards of a snatched sexual encounter, he does believe his quest has a few short term benefits, like keeping this country in the EU, as it has been for millennia. If you want a stolen stone or a cool T-shirt or to see a documentary about Herring's quest or just to guarantee another 25 episodes of this podcast in 2019 then donate whatever you wish to our Kickstarter campaign http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter

Chapter 19: Midwitch Cuckoof. It's about 7pm on 8th April 2019 and Richard is enjoying the delights of an evening stone clear in the new spring. And whilst he is hampered by encroaching flora and sun-baked field, he enjoys the relative calm. Until he is haunted by the voices of children that he fears only he can hear. Where are they coming from? What do they want? Are the stones literally talking to him? And who is the man walking back and forth, dogless in the distance. Guarantee 25 more of these podcasts in 2019 and get your hands on a T shirt or even a stolen stone OR even sponsor the podcast (imagine the increased revenue your archaeological trowel business could get out of being mentioned) by heading here http://www.rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter. Plus some stuff for people who like bins. This really is the podcast for everyone (whatever the British Podcast Awards thinks).

Chapter 18: Acroff the fky are fcudding cloudf. It's 8.30am on April 5th 2019 and Richard and Wolfie are embarking on Chapter 18 (not feventeen, like he foolishly believes) and there's exciting news on how you can get to actually see some stone-clearing, or get a stone-clearing t shirt, or an actual cursed stone from the field in a perspex case or even sponsor the podcast (head to http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter for details), plus a revolutionary new tool that could cut your stone clearing time in half. There's a suspicious amount of dog walkers today and a protracted conversation with two of them full of nervous laughter and possible unchecked racism. It's the podcast with everything. You can even get some tips on feeding your dog. Look at all I give you and I never ask for anything in return - oh except for money http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter

Chapter 17 - What's Her Name? It's 8.38am on 22nd March 2019 and no one knows what is happening with Brexit, but one man knows what he is doing for the next 45 minutes: clearing stones whilst watching his dog perform ablutions. He hasn't just lost his trowel out on this field, but also his mind as he fails to recall the name of a major character in one of the biggest film releases of all time. Is someone travelling back in time to kill him - where does the dog walker vanish too and does a poorly thrown stone have terrible consequences for the rest of the world? Also how can you tell what direction a bald man is facing from a distance? You can hear everything this week in crystal clear surround sound. Bet you wish you couldn't. Now sleep. Look at those stones she's cleared. Whoever she is. Anyone can do it if they've got a gun.

Chapter 16: The Rattle of the Wind. It's March 15th 2019 at 8.40am and there are amazingly still stones to clear. After the stone gods attempted to fabotage last week's podcast with pocket noise, this week, they doth command the winds to blow this humble clearer off course. But Herring will not be swayed, clearing upwards of 23 stones off the field in this 40 minute odyssey. He will, however, have little of interest to say. The ever vigilant Ftone Ftafi are hiding well today, but Herring faces death at the hand of his arboreal nemesis. Will he make it home safe to his kitchen again? Or was this podcast discovered about the person of his frozen and crushed cadaver? Only one way to find out. It might have been better if you'd just heard the inside of his pocket this time.

Stone Clearing Chapter 15 - From Inside a Clearer's Pocket. It's 7th March 2019 and 7.35am, a sunny but cold morning. Sadly Richard failed to realise that his EarPods were not connected to his iPhone so this is a recording of inside his pocket with him mumbling in the distance, except for one bit at about 28 minutes where he gets his phone out to photograph some weird beheaded trees hanging in a fence, presumably as a warning to him. Also maybe at the end a bit too. It was a paranoid delight with loads of great emails, more human chess and conspiracy theories and it's interesting that it has essentially been wiped. They have got to the recording. But it is being put out for an interesting perspective on stone clearing and an affront to audiophiles everywhere. Can you listen to Chapter 15 all the way through? Can you make out some of the pearls of wisdom. Stone pole hit on first attempt too. Goddammit. It's unlistenable. So business as usual.

Chapter 14 - Stone Jesus. It's about 7.50am on 28th February 2019, the sun shines through the mist and the ground is moist and it's time to find out what has been going on in the field this week. Richard lays out of his fears of death, but his certain resurrection to eternal life and figurehead of a new religion, with a better wall than any of the others can boast. Along the way he is spied on by geese and a mysterious many dogged figure who chills Richard's stone heart, but gives him an excellent new tactic that will win you any game of chess. Today's size guide is the potato. Familiarise yourself with potatoes before the podcast or it will make little to no sense. Read more about stone clearing at http://richardherring.com

Chapter 13 - Conquistadors. It's 7.50am on 21st February 2019 and there is still many centuries of work to be done. But nature is either giving Richard his blessing or spying on him from above, as he does his best to get his job done without being shopped by the Stone Stasi. Is stone clearing the cure for all mental illness? Or is it just adding to the issue? Will Richard manage to hit the stone pole? Will the world be saved from disaster by a contribution to the ditch? How many weeks before the main cairn meets up with the next cairn along? Are stones as precious as gold? Or more precious? All these questions will be asked and not answered in this thrilling episode. Thanks for all the emails. It's very hard to mention everyone who is writing in, but you can join the likes of Brenda Dogbin by contacting Rich at herring1967@gmail.com.

Chapter 12: Chess. It's Valentine's Day 2019 but Ftone Clearerf hath nay time for love, not whilft there be ftones in the ground- so Richard heads into the Hertfordshire mist to clear the complacent stones. He has used all his guile to lull them into a false fenfe of fecurity and it's a bumper crop for the wily stone hunter. Are the stones his friends or his enemies? No one is sure, but for passive bits of stuff in dirt they have much magic, not least to change his mood in the space of three quarters of an hour. Making this the uplifting feel-good stone-based podcast of the year. We visit a part of the field that have as yet gone unbroadcast on the podcast and execute a double trespass into the forbidden field. Loads more emails and a worrying bit about toothless grannies that you might want to skip. But will Rich hit the stone pole and elicit a simultaneous cheer from the nation? No Fpoilerf.

Chapter 11: Frozen Stocean. It's February 2nd 2019 and Hertfordshire has been coated in the gametes of the Ice Gods, trying to thwart ye noble Ftone Clearerf for anofer feafon. Richard has some tips on how to stone clear in the snow, but to be honest, this is first proper go and he's just making it up as he goes along. The stone cupboard that is the ground is frozen shut and yet does that not make the discovery of the odd stone all the more valuable? How many stones did you clear today? So dare you judge a man who has cleared more stones than you? Will Richard meet any of the superstitious villagers or will they be scared away by the white blanket that has enveloped the field? Will he find any ammo and manage to hit the sign post? What will become of the world if he can't find a stone to throw into the ditch to calm the angry snow gods? Etc. Picture by Kittie-Wai More stone clearing info at www.richardherring.com/warmingup. Warning! Includes some non-stone material

Chapter 10: Bleffed are the Ftone Clearerf. It's 8.45am on a bright and frosty 28th January 2019 and stone clearers everywhere are mainly waiting for the plough to do her work and create more work for idle hands. But there are still some finds to pull from the clamp like jaw of the field and time to ponder about who puts the stones here and why and celebrate the Stone Gods and abhor the falfe godf of them that fhall not toil in the fieldf. It's a relaxed podcast that talks a little more about the practice of ancient stone-clearers and their rudimentary podcasts and the precarious nature of their short lives. Plus we meet the muzzled dog again and Wolfie uses Richard's hat to reveal a stone that might otherwise not hath been revealed. If you want to hear your name read out on the podcast then do email Richard as so many people have done, at herring1967@gmail.com and if you want to know more about the UK's fastest growing religion then keep an eye on www.richardherring.com/warmingup

Chapter 9: Stanley is a Dick. It's 9am on 22nd January 2019 and the sun is shining brightly. The soil is relatively wet and loose, though small puddles are frozen over. Is this global warming? Having left the field and his brain largely fallow for a fortnight Herring returns to his task untroubled by log dogs, but there are some incidents with real dogs that are quite hairy. Are they log dogs come to life? Some nice finds and a few more tips and Rich clears up what the podcast is actually about (spoiler: it's about stone clearing) and there are some enjoyably mundane chats with some of the people in the village, all of whom are unaware of what is going on. Pluf a fpecial gueft apperance from the Venerable Bede (is he the myftery voice too?). See some video footage of stone-clearing here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j_DH4TIYAA

Chapter 8: Ozymandius. The sun is coming up behind cloud cover at about 7.40am on 8th January 2019 and the secret stone clearer of Hertfordshire reluctantly leaves his feckless family behind for a more important calling. It's a technical podcast this week, not for beginners, which will give you guidance on how to choose the stone you clear from the confusing multitude. But it also considers why the stone clearers of old have left so little evidence of their work and how working at this job for so long changes your perspective on what must be done. Plus a thrilling incident involving violent dogs, and more of the chess game that is trying to avoid as many dog walkers as possible. Read more about stone clearing at http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup and see a portion of the field in the video intro to RHLSTP with the Fingers on Buzzers podcast (up on 9th Jan): https://www.youtube.com/user/Herring1967

Chapter 7: Brave New Field. It's 2019, but stone clearing has gone on every year of human history and will not stop now, just because it's the future. The feckless and superstitious folks of the Hertfordshire village where Richard lives are afeared of the field stone-moving imps and have left out messages in stone to try and appease the fairy folk. But Richard is not worried about that. He has clearing to do and has to get fit so he can clear more efficiently. It's a relaxed podcast in which Rich transgresses one of the main rules of Stone Clearing (but remember there are no rules) and meets another dog with a mental illness, just as he is worrying about his own sanity. Was it just a dog of the mind? A log dog made flesh? Your guess is as good as mine. You'd have to have a stone cold heart not to think this was the most amazing thing ever created. But wait til you see the wall.

Chapter 6: Horizontal Rain. It's 6.45pm on Saturday 15th or 16th December (you will have to check your calendars) and conditions are wet, but stone clearers can not stop their work just cos Noel's House Party is on or because they might get wet. The storm clouds may gather but so must shalt the stone clearer. After the show biz excitement of the opening chapters, Richard is keen to demonstrate the day to day drudgery of the task he has set himself. And he does that extremely well. Includes illuminated dog bottoms, smeared radiator covers and no significant finds. But the thrill of transgression and the suspicion of log dogs even when you can't see them. Read more about stone clearing at http://richardherring.com/warmingup

Chapter 5: Dementia Dog. It's 8.20am on December 9th 2018 and conditions are breezy with occasional drizzle. The ground is still moist, which should be a worry for those who are concerned about global warming, but it's great news for stone clearers. Covered in this chapter: whether it's heresy to wear any type of clothing on the field; how to deal with sibling stones; marking your territory; what happens when you encounter an unfriendly dog owner; being the first non-bald man to wear a head torch; how the stone gods show their pleasure; where do the new stones come from; and why are all the cairns so pathetically small after all this time. Plus an encounter with Fred and his friends. If you have any questions or would like to sponsor the podcast, email herring1967@googlemail.com. Find out more about stone clearing at http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup Today Richard was wearing Petgrow Cut Resistant Work Gloves Level 5 Hand Protection, available here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GRVQ2BF/comedyguide-21/ Richard has not been paid for this glove endorsement. But is happy to be paid for other endorsements. If you think your dog might have dementia this website can help you identify the symptoms. http://www.vetstreet.com/our-pet-experts/dementia-in-senior-dogs-6-ways-to-deal-with-the-effects There are no charities running at the moment for dogs with dementia, only for dogs for people with dementia. When will there be people for dogs with dementia?

Stones 1 Gloves 0. It's 8.35 on December 4th and the Herring household has been hit by a sickness bug, but stone clearing waits for no man and the work must be done. It's frosty but the earth is moist and the stones are coming up easy, as Rich covers a variety of subjects including whether size is important, the part that urine plays in the discipline, how fast you should walk your dog and whether it would be better to clear a field of plastic. Read more about stone-clearing at www.richardherring.com/warmingup

No Sparks. After a couple of podcasts for newbies, we go right in to professional level stone-clearing, with a night clear, conducted at the unGodly hour of 6.15pm on November 23rd 2018. Richard's last night stone clear was an amazing success, filled with fear, magic, fire, ice and a huge stone. Will tonight be as successful? Will Richard fall victim to a Night Hawk? Will the dim light of his torch somehow discover treasure? But what is the meaning of treasure? Stone clearing will change your perception of this and also of your own self-worth. It's not just the night that is dark as the podcast continues, it is Richard's heart and mood and for this reason we advise any high-spirited new stone clearers to save this podcast for a time later in their career. Sure it's a profession full of joy, but it's also full of the darkness at the heart of the void that you are exposing via your work. Richard ate his curry with his wife after, and was gay and kept his experiences out in the war against the stones to himself. Only you know how he was really feeling. Only you know what he is attempting. Keep the secret.

Ground Spiders. It's Sunday 18th November and the sun is just coming up. Most of you are in bed, but Richard and Wolfie are already up and clearing stones and pooing respectively. Today's podcast is about the items that can trick you into thinking they are stones, plus the search for the mythical great white stone, hiding somewhere in the Stocean. Hope you like the new theme tune written by Mike Cosgrave. For more info on stone clearing see www.richardherring.com/warmingup If you have any questions about stone clearing send them to herring1967@gmail.com

Rock, Paper, Scissors - it's 7.42am on November 12th 2018 and Richard is setting out on another dog walk, but unbeknownst to his stupid family there will be something else going on, Stone Clearing. In this first proper episode Richard passes on some basic techniques of stone clearing as well as demonstrating how to keep your identity and what you are doing secret from the non-stone-clearing idiots. There are no rules, but he will give you some anyway. Also you might worry slightly that he doesn't have long to live, but don't worry he will pass on this task to his children on his death bed. This episode is really for beginners only. For more tips on stone clearing and photos of the cairns go to richardherring.com/warmingup and look around a bit.

Intro - Herring's Mound. On 7th November 2018 in light drizzle Richard Herring takes his dog round the field in order to introduce you to the concept of stone-clearing and his motivations for doing so. In a recording that is sure to infuriate audiophiles he takes us through some of the basic stone-clearing techniques, narrowly avoids standing in some dog faeces and attempts to hide what he is doing from a mysterious, coughing dog-walker. He also encounters somebody's passive-aggressive attempt to reveal the secret of what he is doing and dob him into the farmer who may or may not be pleased that his field is being very slowly syphoned of its stones. Listen in so you can say that you were here from the start of a podcast that will redefine the genre and hopefully one day win the Turner Prize. Check out richardherring.com/warmingup for more info and pictures.