372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

By 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Conor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they're pretty sure they're going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!


Episode 81 – Book 14

Let’s read another terrible book! But first, a story (By listener request!) about the time Mike inherited a house. It does not go well. This should be a fun one, let’s start by reading through Chapter 4!
07/08/2028m 49s

Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted

Mike and Conor try to make sense of this madness. They come up empty. Still, there are highlights: Conor does a sonic challenge sexily. Mike manages not to follow a single plot point. The Dumb Sentences of the Week burst forth like milk and honey from the promised land. (Dumb despite the great work from … Continue reading "Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted"
24/07/202h 12m

Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower

Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript. A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike … Continue reading "Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower"
11/07/202h 8m

Episode 78 – My Immortal

The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include: Shakespeare, several times Dickens Sir Arthur Conan Doyle The Bible Thelonius Monk And more! Conor unveils his Cockney accent, and it is QUITE something. Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns … Continue reading "Episode 78 – My Immortal"
30/06/202h 15m

Book 13 Announcement

We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon. Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.
22/06/2014m 8s

Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND.

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about! While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by … Continue reading "Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND."
03/06/202h 36m

Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book! Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive! And we meet a ninety-pound live wire! Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus … Continue reading "Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza"
26/05/201h 57m

Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’

Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception. As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, … Continue reading "Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’"
13/05/202h 22m

Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.” Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with … Continue reading "Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!"
05/05/202h 8m

Episode 73 – Enter Halite

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory. From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch … Continue reading "Episode 73 – Enter Halite"
21/04/202h 12m

Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!* Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out. All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle … Continue reading "Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo"
13/04/202h 15m

Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners. We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets … Continue reading "Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny"
06/04/202h 1m

Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still … Continue reading "Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs"
10/03/202h 19m

Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People

In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell! Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with … Continue reading "Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People"
03/03/202h 15m

Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s

Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s: -DMC’s never before seen method of writing … Continue reading "Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s"
18/02/202h 12m

Book 11 Announcement

Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages Book 11 … Continue reading "Book 11 Announcement"
10/02/208m 51s

Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read

452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter. There’s a … Continue reading "Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read"
30/01/201h 56m

Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys

A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast! The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!) All the … Continue reading "Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys"
14/01/202h 9m

Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can

Happy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump. Fortunately, we’re able to gain more … Continue reading "Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can"
07/01/202h 6m

Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow

Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs … Continue reading "Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow"
26/12/191h 58m

Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth

A jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know. What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider … Continue reading "Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth"
16/12/192h 7m

Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”

Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse.  Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s … Continue reading "Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”"
10/12/191h 49m

Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog

Ah, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least! Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”.  This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether … Continue reading "Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog"
02/12/192h 0m

Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller

Step into the WillowVerse for our first discussion of George Lucas & Chris Claremont’s “SHADOW MOON”! Things get sexy right off the bat, and never let up (if you consider descriptions of hair that is one color but has streaks of another color in it to be sexy. We do.) We’ll meet some of our … Continue reading "Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller"
22/11/192h 0m

Episode 59 – Book 10

Cline Cline Theis Shatlart Thrash Pappy James Harris Stoker… Who’s next? Listen and find out! (Hey! Patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and have been snatching up the cheapest used copies! Join them for early access to every episode, bonus eps, videos, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages )
13/11/1929m 7s

Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower

Three hypnotizing attempts, two destroyed castles, and countless walnuts later, Lair of The White Worm comes to an end. Break out the medium-grade china and cream-jug, because this is one episode you won’t want to miss. The 372 Pages Improv Players will attempt to fill the void when the Dark Web comes up empty, and … Continue reading "Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower"
23/10/192h 6m

Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors

It’s our third episode discussing Bram Stoker’s “Lair of the White Worm”. If you like coherent horror stories, we apologize. But as a consolation, may we offer you dozens of sentences with upwards of seven commas in them? We get the best of what Bram has to offer here: conversations with old men in parlors, … Continue reading "Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors"
15/10/192h 4m

Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite

To say that LOTWW took an unexpected turn in this section would be a slap in the face to unexpected turns. While it appeared to be inching (worm pun) its way toward an exploration of the enormous holes that TOTALLY PROVE the existence of giant worms, most of the second quarter of the book is … Continue reading "Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite"
08/10/191h 58m

Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose

Bram, (or is it pronounced Bram) Stoker’s Dracula followup The Lair of the White Worm, is not very good. But there’s a lot to discuss! Adam Salton has willingly traveled halfway across the world to live with his elderly Grand-Uncle, which is frankly a clue that we’re not in for a relatable experience. But we … Continue reading "Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose"
01/10/192h 26m

Bonus Ep! The Live Show Recording Worked!

Recorded live at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on 9/18/19, it’s a very special 372 Pages Live! Conor & Mike turn the tables on themselves, reading bad writing from Conor’s past. (Over two decades ago!) Mike either had no bad writing or it was somehow even worse than Conor’s, so he got Bridget to sub in … Continue reading "Bonus Ep! The Live Show Recording Worked!"
30/09/1948m 34s

Bonus Ep – Interview with Famous Man John Hodgman

A special 372 podcast with the author of forthcoming bestseller Medallion Status! Conor was essentially the inspiration for his new book and we’ve got the thrilling tale (it involves corgis.) We also put John on the spot as an editor, giving him elevator pitches for a few our past books.  We’ll be back next week … Continue reading "Bonus Ep – Interview with Famous Man John Hodgman"
20/09/1929m 8s

Episode 54 – Book 9

We’re on our ninth book! We now have enough bad books to field a baseball team or form our own personal Wu-Tang Clan of crappy literature. No reason to delay any further, hit play to find out what we’re reading next, and then come see us at our September 18th live show in Minneapolis! Oh, … Continue reading "Episode 54 – Book 9"
16/09/1929m 10s

Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance

We finally finish Charles E. Harris aka The Horny Grandpa’s saga Trucking Through Time. Tension is high as we finally will get an answer to our big question: will the author handle things sloppily or hamfistedly?? There’s a big military standoff, sexy-time both across the river and in the breakdown lane of an interstate, and … Continue reading "Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance"
03/09/192h 19m

Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins

We’ve got a jam-packed penultimate Trucking Through Time episode! Curvy wives! Horny grandpas! Easily accessible caches of cowboy hats! A surprising amount of discussion about James A. Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. And a reminder to wash any pre-owned buckskins you buy at the thrift store! With only fifty pages left in Trucking Through Time, we … Continue reading "Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins"
16/08/192h 13m

Episode 51 – Grandpa, No!

In between the General reading reports, Trucking Through Time manages to fit in some genuinely insane moments. Our heroes literally get to meet God, and it’s the second craziest thing that happens. (The first is our favorite moment in all of literature.) We’ll listen in on some surreptitious recordings made by Harris’ family, examine the … Continue reading "Episode 51 – Grandpa, No!"
12/08/192h 16m

Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson

It’s our 50th episode! And to celebrate, Trucking Through Time gets a little…. sexy! If you thought groins were stirring and tightening in the mister, just wait til you see the effect Light Feather has on Chad! (He’s not going to need his last name, if you know what we mean…) Our occasional department of … Continue reading "Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson"
31/07/192h 0m

Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team

Having trucked through time, our heroes Chad Hand and Dale Rhea (seriously) must now deal with the perils of life in the late 17th or early 18th century. This mainly involves taping things to sticks and feeding a young boy pork and beans. We’ll also get to meet approximately three dozen members of the Sioux … Continue reading "Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team"
23/07/192h 4m

Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time

Load your cooler up with knickknacks, good buddy, we’re in for a long haul! This is our first episode covering Charles E. Harris’ “Trucking Through Time” and if the first two chapters are any indication it’s going to be quite the journey! We’ll meet our heroes Chad and Dale, the comically mismatched duo who are … Continue reading "Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time"
15/07/192h 6m

Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what?

As we wrap up our deep dive into EL James’ “The Mister”, we have a lot of questions. Well, one question really: What the hell? But also: Why was absolutely nothing resolved? Why do Maxim and Alessia treat her father like his opinion should matter at all? How much were they paying that translator? Is … Continue reading "Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what?"
01/07/192h 11m

Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket

This is now an all Bleriana, all the time podcast. Our favorite unseen character, who may or may not still be a sex slave when this book ends in fifty pages, makes another appearance, as Alessia finally recounts the story of her evil Betrothed and her journey to England. Despite her saying “I love you” … Continue reading "Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket"
20/06/191h 54m

Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana?

Our second favorite trafficking victim does NOT show up in this section of The Mister, but other than that, it’s jam packed. Anesthesia, post-trauma boning, and approximately 3/4 of a page of honest to god drama and tension! Join us on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff like cooking shows! patreon.com/372pages Mike … Continue reading "Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana?"
13/06/192h 10m

Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers

This episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer. Our patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend! Join the fun and get every … Continue reading "Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers"
04/06/191h 57m

Episode 43 – Music for your what now?

WARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show. Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive … Continue reading "Episode 43 – Music for your what now?"
28/05/191h 54m

Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring

In part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred … Continue reading "Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring"
21/05/191h 56m

Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks

Who’s ready to get British and horny?? This is our first episode devoted to The Mister by EL James, and it’s obviously unlike anything we’ve read on here before.  We’ll examine the author’s clever methods for padding out the book length, as well as some very surprising similarities to the works of Ernest Cline. We’ll … Continue reading "Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks"
14/05/191h 54m

Episode 40 – Book Number Seven

Time to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening! Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really … Continue reading "Episode 40 – Book Number Seven"
06/05/1930m 59s

Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues

We are back after a week in Nashville! While we were there, we figured that we would take advantage of the opportunity to record face to face. So we recorded a dynamic, hilarious, touching video rattling off some potential Next Book candidates (it was well shot too.) Unfortunately, Mike had a checked bag mishap with … Continue reading "Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues"
25/04/1927m 42s

Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back

Thank god this book was not 372 pages long. Neither of us could have handled that.  Bob Honey was fortunately only 160, and even so, managed to have three different characters crap their pants, two of them in this final section. It’s a fitting metaphor for something, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to … Continue reading "Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back"
11/04/191h 42m

Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write

Our favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this … Continue reading "Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write"
04/04/191h 30m

Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water

The enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s … Continue reading "Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water"
27/03/191h 46m

Episode 35 – Uh… OK?

Sean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you … Continue reading "Episode 35 – Uh… OK?"
19/03/191h 55m

Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own

Well, here is the new book we all get to read together! We apologize for nothing!! And hey, a bunch of listeners requested this one, so if you want someone to blame we will name names! But in all seriousness, this should be very fun, and will be a welcome change of pace from the … Continue reading "Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own"
11/03/1937m 56s

Episode 33 – Checkmate

All good things must come to an end. On a completely unrelated note, this book also must come to an end. And what an ending it is! After pages and pages of repeated text and detailed descriptions of the families of characters who are never mentioned again, we get some actual, honest to god plot … Continue reading "Episode 33 – Checkmate"
27/02/192h 12m

Episode 32 – Ctrl-V, Repeat

Who is the Sheriff of 372 Pages? Sorry, just trying out our new catchphrase. Nobody better be laughing!! We have an absolutely jam packed episode this week, because despite maybe 40% of this week’s assigned reading being the same block of typo-ridden copy/paste text, there was a lot to talk about. Potential suspects! Power couples … Continue reading "Episode 32 – Ctrl-V, Repeat"
19/02/192h 3m

Episode 31 – I, Titus Uno

Assemble your various financial certification acronyms and have Veronica Jackson clear your schedule, because we’ve got a doozy of an episode! So much to unpack here in our first discussion of The Forensic Certified Public Accountant and the Cremated 64-SQUARES Financial Statements. We’ve got kidnapped mascots, hi-tech spy gear, and world record fast marriage proposals. … Continue reading "Episode 31 – I, Titus Uno"
12/02/191h 41m

Episode 30 – Manifesto in Book Form

Well, we’ve found a new book to read together, and it certainly appears to be something special. More in the vein of “Eye of Argon”, this is one that was never going to hit the best seller list. But based on early scans it seems like it will be a lot of fun to dive … Continue reading "Episode 30 – Manifesto in Book Form"
04/02/1937m 5s

Episode 29 – What The Hell Was That?

Well, the pace sure as hell was unrelenting, folks. We’ve reached the end of TekWar, and there both is and isn’t a lot to talk about. Chest-high walls, disdainful robot pimps, the brief and wondrous life of Sonny Hokori are all just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to all who hitched their wagons to … Continue reading "Episode 29 – What The Hell Was That?"
16/01/192h 17m

Episode 28 – Al’s House of Lucite

If you’d told us way back in Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori, if we’d still be having meetings about Sonny Hokori 150 pages later, we would have thrown the book across the room. And yet, here we are. We’re back after the holiday break (feeling kind of glum, guess we just miss Ogden … Continue reading "Episode 28 – Al’s House of Lucite"
08/01/191h 51m

Episode 27 – A Heavy Airquotes Simple Plan

Chapter 22 of Tekwar may be the second stupidest chapter we’ve read on this podcast. The first, of course, being the one in Armada where The Emissary just, you know, cures cancer and every other disease. But this one is close. We will explain why in great detail. We’ll also FINALLY meet one of the … Continue reading "Episode 27 – A Heavy Airquotes Simple Plan"
21/12/181h 39m

Episode 26 – Located in the Exact Center of your Podcast App

Roll your cartoon wolf tongues back into your mouths, we’ve got a new episode! This week we finally get to meet the lusted after Beth Kittridge… Well, kind of… Mike also coins a new, revolting portmanteau for our favorite author duo: Shatlart, while Conor does his best to try to pronounce the name Ogden, which … Continue reading "Episode 26 – Located in the Exact Center of your Podcast App"
11/12/181h 33m

Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori

Look, we all love Sonny Hokori and Bennet Sands and Dr. Kittridge’s insanely hot daughter. We love to hear Jake discuss those people in quirky alleys with people we’ve never met and probably will never hear from again. But for the love of god, do we need FOUR CONSECUTIVE CHAPTERS of these meetings???  In this … Continue reading "Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori"
04/12/181h 44m

Episode 24 – ¡El Pelo Hinchable!

To the inattentive and brainless layman* it might appear that not much happened during this stretch of TekWar. Mostly Jake aka Jonatha and Juanito aka The Android(???) just sat and talked to people about other people we haven’t met yet. Somehow, we discussed this for nearly two hours. Folks stepped up their fanfic this time … Continue reading "Episode 24 – ¡El Pelo Hinchable!"
20/11/181h 51m

Episode 23 – Plasepisode Plastwenty Plasthree

Steeple your chrome fingers against your chrome nose and tell maw to cork it, here’s our first Tekwar episode! We’ve got a ton to cover here: the difference between Airvans and Skycabs. Coppery racism. Oddly specific and ever increasing intervals of time. And printing, my god the printing!   A hearty plasthanks to our Patreon … Continue reading "Episode 23 – Plasepisode Plastwenty Plasthree"
12/11/181h 45m

Episode 22 – Book Four Reveal!

Let’s not delay this any longer: We’ve got a new book picked out to read together, and by all accounts it’s gonna be a doozy. So let’s say goodbye to Norgolia and move on to… Well, you’ll have to listen to find out! We didn’t know the assignment for MYSTERY BOOK REDACTED when we recorded, … Continue reading "Episode 22 – Book Four Reveal!"
02/11/1825m 9s

Episode 21 – Mo’ Shamen, Maw Problems

It feels like we just started Grignr’s journey, but it’s already time to finish The Eye of Argon. Fortunately, the second half is just as amazing as the first half, with out of left field seizures, deadly rat pelvis bones, reeking maws, husking femmes, and iycks!   We’ll also take a look at how the … Continue reading "Episode 21 – Mo’ Shamen, Maw Problems"
26/10/181h 36m

Episode 20 – Hope You Like Adjectives!

Wow! The Eye of Argon more than surpassed our expectations. Our ovals widened rotundly with every additional sentence Theis crafted. My god, the first four (4.5, really) chapters were only like six thousand words and we spent nearly two hours discussing them! Obviously there’s a lot to cover here as Grignr makes his way through … Continue reading "Episode 20 – Hope You Like Adjectives!"
19/10/181h 40m

Episode 19 – The Eye of Argon

We teased it in our last episode, but we’re finally ready to reveal to you: our next book is called The Eye of Argon. We figured, what could possibly carry the torch of Ernest Cline’s terrible books, and decided: how about a typo-riddled fantasy novella written five decades ago by a sixteen year old who … Continue reading "Episode 19 – The Eye of Argon"
12/10/1833m 37s

Episode 18 – A Crummy Commercial

We are back! Don’t worry, there is no new Ernest Cline book. But we’ve decided to launch back up to try to tackle some books which may be just as bad or even worse! DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED! There’s no real content in this episode. It is just A Crummy Commercial for our new Patreon. … Continue reading "Episode 18 – A Crummy Commercial"
09/10/189m 31s

Episode 17 – We’ll Do It Live… Or Will We?

Recorded live at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on April 11th, this is our first ever live show… Is how this post used to start before the recording of our live show was lost in an epic tech meltdown! But never fear, Mike and Conor have reunited to rediscuss the Ready Player One movie, in possibly … Continue reading "Episode 17 – We’ll Do It Live… Or Will We?"
20/04/181h 49m

Episode 16 – And Then All That Happened, The End

When we last left Zack Lightman, he was submerged beneath the Antarctic Ocean, trying to retrieve his father and save the world. But then it was getting close to happy hour, so Ernest Cline decided to just wrap things up and hit publish on one of the most unsatisfying, unbelievably rushed endings we’ve ever seen. … Continue reading "Episode 16 – And Then All That Happened, The End"
23/03/181h 49m

Episode 15 – Some Light, Pre-Apocalypse Boning

As humanity’s potential end draws near, our heroes still have not been allowed to say goodbye to their loved ones back on Earth. So they all do what any normal person would do in that situation: bang the hell of out someone they just met a few hours ago. Mike and Conor’s faces contort as … Continue reading "Episode 15 – Some Light, Pre-Apocalypse Boning"
16/03/181h 29m

Episode 14 – A General Uses the Term “Snackage”

The Europan death armada is just  hours away, and mankind’s last defense force is behaving about how you’d expect: grinning, crushing hard, and making references to classic 80s horror anthologies. With only 100 pages left in the book, Mike and Conor are convinced that events that advance the plot forward may soon begin to actually … Continue reading "Episode 14 – A General Uses the Term “Snackage”"
09/03/181h 48m

Episode 13 – Or as it Came to be Known, Episode 13

The calendars may say that it’s March, but to us it’s Clinetober! Here at 372 Pages we’re power-leaping into the month like a terrible Godzilla simile from the classic Toho kaiju flick Godzilla. This week’s reading may have broken the all-time record for most notes scrawled in the margins of our copies of Armada. Conor … Continue reading "Episode 13 – Or as it Came to be Known, Episode 13"
02/03/181h 38m

Episode 12 – The Hot Geek Girl Laughed at my Episode Title

Mike and Conor cover an absolutely thrilling stretch of Armada in this episode. Hold your breath because we’re about to discuss all of this: not one but TWO phone contact exchanging scenes, not one but TWO briefings in a large auditorium, and to cap it all off: an EULA acceptance scene!!! We’ll also explore some … Continue reading "Episode 12 – The Hot Geek Girl Laughed at my Episode Title"
23/02/181h 35m

Episode 11 – Insanely hot (but relateable) moms

In this episode we meet Zack’s insanely hot TV addicted gamer mom. Turns out the Hot but Relateable Mom trope isn’t just a Clineian invention, and Conor reveals where he’s seen it turn up recently. Also, Mike was able to pull some strings and secure a scene from the movie version of Armada, a movie … Continue reading "Episode 11 – Insanely hot (but relateable) moms"
09/02/181h 27m

Episode 10 – What Have We Done?

In this first fifty pages of Armada, our hero sees a flying saucer, reads a giant list of movie release dates, and then goes to work. Somehow we talked about this sequence of events for 1 hour and 20 minutes. We also get caught up on what Conor and Mike read in between Cline novels,  … Continue reading "Episode 10 – What Have We Done?"
02/02/181h 19m

Episode 9 – Season 2: Armada

We’re back with a new season!  Join us as we read Ernest Cline’s followup to RP1, Armada. We’re extremely excited to read what is widely regarded as Cline’s bad novel. We’ll talk about our expectations, see if we can guess whether a critic was reviewing RP1 or Armada, and play a quick round of Real … Continue reading "Episode 9 – Season 2: Armada"
26/01/1830m 14s

Episode 8 – 1980s Reference

We’re done!!! After one last robot fight, video game speedrun, and  rote recitation of a popular “geek” movie, we’ve finally reached the titular 372nd page. Tune in for the Dumb Sentence of the Book, one last Fan-Fic or Real, Great Moments in Villains with Tiny Robots, and some extremely creative listener emails. Nathan’s alternate ending … Continue reading "Episode 8 – 1980s Reference"
27/10/171h 42m

Episode 7 – 1973 Was My Favorite Year in the 80s

In this episode, Wade Watts faces the possibility of a lifetime of slavery! But then he gets out of it easily thanks to his hacking prowess, which he totally has had all along but forgot to mention. We’ll talk the unceasing cultural relevance of the “hang in there baby” motivational poster, the concept of Performative … Continue reading "Episode 7 – 1973 Was My Favorite Year in the 80s"
20/10/171h 20m

Episode 6 – Rush for a Change of Atmosphere

Join us in our detailed recreation of the living room from Family Ties for Episode 6! The gunt is in it’s homestretch, so what better time to pause your novel for a detailed description of the plot of Blade Runner. We’ll also play Black Tiger, but not the version you’re familiar with! (Get this: it’s … Continue reading "Episode 6 – Rush for a Change of Atmosphere"
12/10/171h 21m

Episode 5 – Several Discreet Openings

This week we’re talking Wade’s Rig. And folks — it is a hell of a rig. We’ll also discuss the seemingly booming post-apocalyptic economy that makes all this gunting possible, venture into the immersive world of text adventure games, and visit several game rooms, bowling alleys and pizza joints. It’s all very classic. All this … Continue reading "Episode 5 – Several Discreet Openings"
05/10/171h 17m

Episode 4 – Delightful 80’s References and Several Hundred Dead Children!

We’ll discuss whether eating rotted Greenland shark meat is better than Ready Player One, take a thrilling look at server redundancy and connection lag, analyze various rigs, and examine what has to be one of the top three most romantic chat logs we’ve ever read. PLUS, Mike has gunted deep into the dark web to … Continue reading "Episode 4 – Delightful 80’s References and Several Hundred Dead Children!"
28/09/171h 12m

Episode 3 – Ducks and Hairy Knuckled Chucks

It’s another classic episode of 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! We’ll guess whether passages came from RP1 Fan Fiction or the novel itself, break down our hero’s obsession with the definitely-a-sexy-lady Art3mis, guess what’s in James Halliday’s bedroom, and check in with Edgar Nash: Gunter Expert! Then we’ll read some listener mail and nominate … Continue reading "Episode 3 – Ducks and Hairy Knuckled Chucks"
13/09/171h 12m

Episode 2 – A List and a Lich

Update your Gunter Wiki, crapburgers, it’s time for a new episode! This week we calibrate our tastes with Mike’s, delve into the delightful parenthetical autistism of James Halliday, take a closer look at the infamous “List” that initially caught our attention, discuss the danger of taking the advice to “write what you know”, and crown … Continue reading "Episode 2 – A List and a Lich"
08/09/171h 2m

Episode 1 – A Miniseries About a Housecoat

In this episode, we’ll learn how calibrated your tastes are with Conor’s, meet our Rubenesque main characters, discuss the book’s generously amorphous definition of 80s pop culture,  examine how hard it is to pull of convincing computer operating systems in entertainment, and wonder what possible role the undercurrent of atheism could possibly play in the … Continue reading "Episode 1 – A Miniseries About a Housecoat"
01/09/171h 2m

Episode 0 – A Book We’re Probably Going to Hate

Welcome to 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! This is a podcast book club where we are reading the bestselling novel Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. In this episode, Mike and Conor lay out their expectations, examine some of the critical praise for the book, and take a quiz to see which great works … Continue reading "Episode 0 – A Book We’re Probably Going to Hate"
25/08/1726m 59s
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