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Proxy with Yowei Shaw

Proxy investigates the emotional mysteries that run our lives and world — sometimes by finding someone who gets it, sometimes by reporting from the emotions beat. Hosted by Yowei Shaw, former co-host and editorial lead of Invisibilia. For more dispatches from the emotions beat, get our free newsletter File Under Feelings at <a href="https://proxyhq.org/">proxyhq.org</a>. You can also become a paid member to support the show and get bonus episodes. If you’re new, try: <a href="https://play.prx.org/listen?ge=prx_9862_a0685e99-f271-4ecf-b840-5df22ed6a746&amp;uf=https%3A%2F%2Ffeed.proxypodcast.com%2F">Bisexual Wife Guy</a>, <a href="https://play.prx.org/listen?ge=prx_9862_9ff522a7-9704-4d5d-a158-a6cd2e4c6add&amp;uf=https%3A%2F%2Ffeed.proxypodcast.com%2F">Yowei Can't Speak Bro</a>, or <a href="https://play.prx.org/listen?ge=prx_9862_fd721520-8dee-4835-8fd4-d662f67c63a3&amp;uf=https%3A%2F%2Ffeed.proxypodcast.com%2F">Jane Doesn't Like Her Dogs</a>.

Yowei Shaw

Why don't men ask follow-up questions? Not just on dates, but with their own friends. How can two guys be best friends and know so little about each other's lives?From No Such Thing, Manny, Noah, and Devan investigate with masculinity expert Liz Plank, and put their own friendship to the test.Listen to more No Such Thing at nosuchthing.show.Suppot independent podcasting! Donate to Radiotopia at radiotopia.fm/donate.

Why don't men ask follow up questions? (From NO SUCH THING)

Kyle is losing faith in humanity. How can anyone still support Trump? Are they stupid? Crazy? Or just terrible people?Yowei brings Kyle together with two former MAGA supporters to find out. Get Brian and Ashton's recommendations for books, documentaries. and more in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.How do you get through to someone you love who's deep into MAGA? Hear Brian answer questions from Proxy listeners in our bonus episode for paid members.Funding for this story was provided by the University of California, Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, as part of its “Spreading Love Through the Media” initiative, supported by the John Templeton Foundation.

Kyle Thinks MAGA Supporters Are Stupid

Georgia Hampton knows the Titanic can't hurt her. So why does just looking at a picture fill her with dread? And can she make the fear go away?We find her a proxy who has spent decades helping people overcome their most irrational fears.Get Georgia's internet rabbit holes and Martin's free guides to overcoming phobias in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.

Georgia Is Terrified of the Titanic

Yowei cares so much about doing a good job that sometimes it makes her worse at her job. Can you care deeply about your work without obsessing over whether you succeed?Yowei turns to New Yorker staff writer Jay Caspian Kang, who seems to have mastered the art of caring deeply about his work without getting too attached to the outcome.See the photo in Yowei's booth and get Jay's low-investment reading list in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.Is meaningful conversation overrated? Hear Yowei and Kyle debate what makes a good hang, plus Jay's advice to Yowei to shut the fuck up in our bonus episode for paid members.

Can you want to succeed without losing your mind?

Ellie never thought she'd be the other woman. Then she fell in love with a married man.We find her a proxy who knows what it's like to have an affair with a married man — and then build a life with him.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

Ellie and the Other Woman

Ryan Jay keeps making friends with women. They get close. Then he falls for them. It's happened so many times that he's starting to wonder if he can actually be friends with women without wanting to date them.We find him a proxy, masculinity expert Andrew Smiler, to help him figure out why he keeps falling for his friends — and whether there's another way.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

Ryan Jay Keeps Falling For His Friends

Chloe's life is going great. Except she's drinking more than she wants to. And with medical school around the corner, she's scared that asking for help could jeopardize her future. How do you get a handle on your drinking before things fall apart?We find her a proxy who struggled with drinking at her age and went on to become an addiction psychiatrist.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.From the episode:

NIAAA Alcohol Treatment Navigator — Find treatment in the U.S.

Healthdirect Australia — Alcohol treatment and support in Australia

Drs4Drs — Confidential support for Australian doctors and medical students

Australian Doctors in Recovery — Peer support for healthcare professionals

Federation of State Physician Health Programs — U.S. physician health programs


Chloe Is Starting to Drink Too Much

Before Proxy comes back on September 22, Yowei and Kyle hold a tiny business meeting about the state of the show: more listeners, fewer members, a new membership goal, and what it’ll take to make year three. Also, Comcast has thoughts.

State of the Show: Comcast Says We're Gonna Make It

Taelor wants a romantic partner. Someone to share a life with. Just without sex. But after years of dating, she's starting to wonder if what she wants is even possible. How do you grieve a life you still want but aren't sure you'll get?We find her a proxy, Courtney Lane, who's been happily married for 12 years without having sex.For episode extras and ACE resources, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.Funding for this story was provided by the University of California, Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, as part of its “Spreading Love Through the Media” initiative, supported by the John Templeton Foundation.

Taelor Doesn't Want to Have Sex

Sam grew up middle class, built a company, and suddenly became rich. But instead of feeling free, he feels stuck. How do you enjoy having money without becoming the kind of rich person you used to judge?Yowei finds Sam a proxy who became a millionaire and then gave most of his money away.Read our interview with a guy who organizes rich people in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.

Sam Doesn't Know How to Be Rich

Alex is nonbinary, and their husband Henry is a straight man. Henry has supported Alex through every step of their transition. But Alex can't shake one question: if Henry is straight, does that mean he still sees Alex as a woman?Yowei finds Alex two proxies: a trans man who transitioned while married to a straight man, and his husband.Read our interview with a queer nonbinary psychologist about transitioning while in a relationship in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.

Alex's Husband Is Too Straight

For twelve years, Yowei has been trying — and failing — to have a normal conversation with her husband's best friend. It's not for lack of goodwill. Her theory? He speaks bro, and she doesn't know how. But what exactly is bro-speak, and can she learn to be fluent?Yowei finds herself a proxy bro, Jason Stewart from How Long Gone, who can teach her the language.Find out why bros can talk for seven hours and reveal nothing in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.Hear more from linguist Scott Kiesling about the secret emotional rules of bro-speak in our bonus episode for paid members.

Yowei Can't Speak Bro

Jane has devoted her life to dogs. She's worked in animal rescue, fostering, and training. But lately, she doesn't feel the same connection to her own dogs anymore. She still loves them. So why doesn't she feel it?Yowei finds Jane a proxy who knows what it's like to lose the joy in caring for animals.Find out why caring too much can leave you feeling nothing at all in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.From the episode:

ASPCA's compassion fatigue resources — directly relevant to the episode and its central dilemma.

Cornell's pet loss resources — useful, though less directly connected to Jane's experience.
Content note: This episode contains a brief mention of suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988.Funding for this story was provided by the University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, as part of its “Spreading Love Through the Media” initiative, supported by the John Templeton Foundation.

Jane Doesn't Like Her Dogs

For most of her life, writer Caitlin Myer had a narrator in her head. A voice that helped her tell stories and make sense of the world. Then, after a concussion, the voice disappeared. Who are you when you lose the thing that makes you feel most like yourself?Yowei finds Caitlin a proxy who also lost the voice that defined her.Get Caitlin and Greta's reading list and episode extras, plus Caitlin's emotional scoops in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.From the episode:
Caitlin Myer, author of Wiving,
Greta Morgan, author of The Lost Voice.


Caitlin Lost the Voice In Her Head

Nicole is a labor organizer who's good at being angry. Her anger fuels her activism, but lately it's been spilling over into her personal life. If she lets go of her anger, will she lose the fire that keeps her going?Yowei finds Nicole a proxy who knows what it's like to turn rage into political action — and pay the emotional price.Get Deborah and Nicole's book, film, and resource recommendations in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.From the episode:
Deborah Gould, sociologist and author of Moving Politics: Emotion and ACT UP's Fight Against AIDS.

Nicole Can't Stop Being Aggro

Erin wants to forgive her mother. Not because she wants a relationship with her, but because she's tired of being angry. The problem? Forgiveness feels like science fiction. How do you stop resenting someone who hurt you without pretending what happened was okay?Yowei finds Erin a proxy who's spent decades studying the science of forgiveness.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.From the episode:Robert Enright's free resources at the International Forgiveness Institute.

Bob and the Forgiveness Spell

Yaroslava was 16 when Russia invaded Ukraine and she had to flee her home. Now she's 19, living in New York and starting to build a life she enjoys. But her grandma is still back home, her friends are scattered, and she feels guilty about being happy while the people she loves are still living through war. How do you move forward without feeling like you're leaving everyone behind?Hear Sariyah's harrowing story of returning to the West Bank to make a film, and how a near-disaster between Israeli and Palestinian campers turned into a breakthrough, in two bonus episodes for paid members.From the episode:
Dignity Beyond Borders
Yaroslava on Instagram
Sariyah Abuzant's film, FordDat


Yaroslava Can't Go Home

Why does it hurt so much when the people we love have different ideas of what connection should look like? And how can introverts and extroverts actually have fun together?Yowei brings comedian Aparna Nancherla, an extrovert, and an expert on introvert-extrovert relationships together for a historic peace summit.Get the introvert-extrovert reading list and more on the science of personality in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.Hear how extrovert Jennifer Kahnweiler learned to get along better with introverts in our bonus episode for paid members.

The First Ever Extrovert-Introvert Cage Match

There's a strange pattern in family estrangement: adult children say they've explained why they need distance, while parents say they have no idea what went wrong. So where do the reasons go?In part two of our family estrangement series, reporter Kim Nederveen Pieterse talks to two therapists who work on opposite sides of the divide — one with estranged adult children, the other with estranged parents.Read more about why parents struggle to hear their estranged kids in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.

An Estrangement Mystery

JC's adult children have cut off contact with her. They've told her why, but JC still doesn't understand what went wrong. How do you repair a relationship when you can't agree on what broke it?Reporter Kim Nederveen Pieterse finds JC a proxy who knows what it's like to cut off contact with her own parents.This is part one of our two-part series on family estrangement.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

JC's Kids Won't Talk To Her

Alex Goldman used to host Reply All. Yowei used to host Invisibilia. Now they both make independent podcasts, which means they have to ask listeners for money. And they hate it. How do you ask people to support something you believe in without feeling sleazy, annoying, or pathetic?Yowei and Alex turn to a fundraising expert and a brutally honest listener for help.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

Alex and the Impossible Ask

After Trump's reelection, writer Sandy Ernest Allen watched attacks on trans rights escalate. He kept waiting for more cis people to speak up. But mostly, he heard silence. Why is it so hard to speak up for people you care about?Sandy decided to find out what gets people to care about trans rights in the first place. He asked cis people what changed their minds, and hundreds responded.Read why performative allyship might not be such a bad thin in this week's newsletter. Sign up for free at proxyhq.org.

Sandy and the Silence

Anya Kamenetz wants to stay informed and engaged with the world. But lately, every time she pays attention to the news, there's another crisis to worry about. How do you keep caring about the world without falling apart?Anya investigates her own feelings, talking to scientists, activists, and psychologists about how to cope with a world in crisis.Get Anya's advice for dealing with anger and other overwhelming emotions in our bonus episode for paid members at proxyhq.org. 

How to Cope with Now

Zakiya used to love strangers, nightlife, and somehow always ending up on a boat. Then lockdown happened, and she discovered something surprising: she loved being alone. But when the world opened back up, being around people started making her anxious. Is this just who she is now? Or can she get back to her old self?Yowei finds Zakiya a proxy who studies how our personalities change over time.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

Zakiya Used to Be So Fun

Writer Amanda Montell has a voice in her head she calls the "Storymaker." It's constantly turning her life into stories, complete with scenes, plot twists, and metaphors. It's great for her writing. But is she actually living her life, or just narrating it?Yowei finds Amanda a proxy who studies why we turn our lives into stories.Hear psychologist Jonathan Adler's advice on how to strengthen your inner storyteller in our bonus episode for paid members at proxyhq.org. 

Amanda and the Nonstop Narrator

Brian Reed, host of Question Everything, can't stop fact-checking his mother-in-law. She has Alzheimer's and lives with his family. He loves her and knows she can't help misremembering things. So why can't he stop correcting her?Yowei finds Brian a proxy who helps people navigate the emotional challenges of caring for someone with dementia.Hear psychologist Claudia Drossel explain how to understand the feelings of people with Alzheimer's and use them to connect better in our bonus episode for paid members at proxyhq.org.

Brian Can't Stop Fact-checking His Mother-In-Law

Evan and Chris are best friends and bandmates in The Superweaks. Years ago, they were on the verge of breaking out when Evan's brother Corey, the band's bassist, died suddenly. Now they have a record that's almost finished. Just a few vocals left. But years have gone by, and they still can't seem to finish it. What's keeping them stuck?Yowei finds them a proxy who knows what it's like when making music with your friends gets complicated.Hear former Maroon 5 drummer Ryan Dusick unpack what went wrong in his own band in our bonus episode for paid members at proxyhq.org. From the episode: Listen to The Superweaks' music and their single "Blindside".'

Is It Time To Break Up the Band?

For most of her life, Yowei thought her introversion was a character flaw she'd eventually grow out of. But personality puberty never came. How do you stop wishing you were someone else and start feeling comfortable being yourself?Then Yowei read comedian Aparna Nancherla's memoir and discovered she wasn't the only one who felt this way. So she invited Aparna to compare notes.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

Aparna and the Self-Loathing Introvert

Comedian Mic Nguyen was supposed to become a doctor. Instead, he went into comedy. He loves his life, but whenever money gets tight or work feels uncertain, he wonders if he made a mistake. How do you stop second-guessing a decision you can't undo?Yowei finds Mic a proxy who studies the science of regret.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

Mic Chooses the Wrong Life

George was married to a woman he loved. Then she came out as bisexual and left the marriage. George is happy for her. But he's also heartbroken, confused, and stuck with questions he doesn't feel allowed to ask. How do you grieve the end of a relationship when you're also supposed to celebrate why your person left?Yowei finds George a proxy: journalist and podcaster Hanna Rosin, who's lived a version of this story from the other side.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.

Bisexual Wife Guy

Months after Elliot was laid off, he and his husband Miles are still angry. Not just about losing the job, but about how it happened. The smiling HR rep. The severance paperwork no one explained. The desk he wasn't allowed to pack up. Why is it so hard to get over being treated like you're disposable?Yowei finds them a proxy who's conducted hundreds of layoffs — and been laid off herself.For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.Watch Yowei's unhinged Gold Star music video.

The Layoff Trilogy 3: HR by Proxy

After Elliot was laid off, his husband Miles kept working at the same company. Same office. Same HR rep. And now, the constant fear that he might be next. Then Miles heard a rumor: more layoffs were coming on the third Thursday of the month. Danger Day. How do you live with the fear of losing your job when there's nothing you can do to feel safe?For more dispatches from the emotions beat, sign up for our free newsletter at proxyhq.org.Hear sociologist Ofer Sharone explain why the myth of meritocracy is so hard to shake in our bonus episode for paid members at proxyhq.org. Content note: This episode contains a brief mention of suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741.

The Layoff Trilogy 2: Danger Day

When Yowei got laid off from NPR, she knew it was a business decision. It wasn't about her performance. She had savings, severance, and support. So why did it feel like getting rejected by the entire life she'd built?Yowei investigates why losing a job can feel so personal, even when you know it's not — and how getting laid off led her to create Proxy.Hear sociologist Ofer Sharone explain why the myth of meritocracy is so hard to shake in our bonus episode for paid members at proxyhq.org. 

The Layoff Trilogy 1: Layoff Girl

It’s the knot you can’t untangle — a problem so specific, it makes you feel alone. But what if you could talk to someone who gets it? On Proxy, we find someone with the closest possible experience to your problem — and follow the conversation that unfolds. It’s not therapy. It’s emotional investigative journalism.Hosted by Yowei Shaw, former co-host of Invisibilia.New to Proxy? Try Bisexual Wife Guy, one of the clearest examples of what this show does, or Yowei Can't Speak Bro for a funny investigation into male friendship, bro-speak, and emotional translation.