Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

When a tragedy shakes their church and their community, both the preacher and his wife try to put the pieces back together for themselves and his congregation. This is the second part of a special two-part episode. This episode contains discussions of a death by suicide. Please take care listening. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

She has never quite fit into the mold of the preacher's wife in their small town. He has put his self-worth solely into his career, as a bandaid over deep-seated childhood insecurities. They have never been able to come to terms with the resentment they both experience. This is the first part of a special two-part episode. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this Esther Calling, we meet a woman who feels that her brother's wife is standing in the way of her relationship with her brother. For years, she has compared the closeness she shares with her brother to all of her romantic relationships. And because of it she has found herself single, time and time again. Esther talks her through the question she came with about her brother, "If you really understood and loved me, why would you choose her?" Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is a classic session of Where Should We Begin from season 1. They're grandparents, with a 40+ year love story and a stable, happy marriage. But one of them had quite a few secrets. Now, with everything out in the open, they’re hoping Esther can help them work through some of the residual shame, guilt, and pain. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A woman in her 40s talks to Esther about a crossroads in her life. She has begun a relationship with a supportive and loving partner, but without the constant roller coaster of emotions she's used to, she wonders if there’s something missing. Or is there something wrong with her? Esther Callings are a one-time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What happens when you transgress the one boundary you never thought you would? In this week's Esther Calling, Esther talks to a woman who began an emotional affair after 10 years with her partner. She has since found herself alone and devastated by her own actions, unable to forgive herself or move on from the pain that she caused. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is a classic session, from the first season of Where Should We Begin? A couple, together a decade, with three young children. He reached out because a year after the discovery of his affair, they aren’t fighting anymore, but they certainly haven’t moved on. Esther’s not convinced they’ve ever really been able to hear each other. Can they recover from this? And do both of them really want to? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They knew each other as kids. He grew up in a house where love was never a guarantee. She had the seemingly perfect family and all the love in the world. They've recently begun a romantic relationship as adults, but still can't seem to find their footing and separate themselves from their vastly different histories. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this Esther Calling, Esther talks to a woman looking for clarity on whether she's being overly sensitive to her partner's critiques or if he is, in fact, gaslighting her. She has struggled with boundary setting before and she wonders if she is repeating the pattern here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

He donated sperm to help a friend start her family. A decade later that gift shattered his own. Esther talks through the consequences of a secret. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Every Monday morning step into the office of psychotherapist Esther Perel. Each week on Where Should We Begin?, hear real couples in search of insight bare the intimate details of their lives. From break-ups and open relationships to workplace conflicts and fractures in the family listen in and start new conversations in your own relationships. New episodes begin July 10th. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this session Esther counsels a couple torn apart by the war in Ukraine. Young sons divided between a mother who leaves for the sake of her youngest. And a father who stays with the oldest for the sake of their country.  This episode was done in partnership with The International Trauma Studies Program and One Ukraine.  (Ukrainian and English language transcripts available at http://www.estherperel.com/love-in-war-en) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We first met them three seasons ago in the painful aftermath of an infidelity. She was diagnosed with an STD during a routine visit to her OBGYN, leading to the revelation that her husband had been visiting sex workers. Four years later, they’re still together, but old wounds persist. Transcripts for this episode are available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-s5-episode10. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this latest episode of Esther Calling, we meet a young woman looking for advice on how to stand up for herself in a fraught and traumatic relationship with her mother. She worries the trauma and violence she experienced in upbringing is dictating how she responds to authority figures elsewhere in her life. The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-esther-calling-i-need-her-to-see-me . Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this episode of Esther Calling, Esther meets a man who’s never been in a relationship for more than five months. As he approaches age 40, he knows the reason lies with him, and not the women he’s dating. Esther encourages him to look back and see if the clues can be found in his early parental relationships. Perhaps the work starts there. The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-esther-calling-still-single-at-40. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Esther says in this session, “a love story is between two people, a marriage engages an entire community of people.“ Here we see how that plays out when the relationship in question is the result of an affair; when it means the dissolution of two prior marriages and the breaking up families. How does this couple write their own two-person love story when there’s "an entire community of people" with a stake in the plot? The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-s5-episode9. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

He prides himself on being an empathic confidante to his friends…but is it to a fault? In this episode of Esther Calling, we meet a man fed up with being the container for his friends’ relationship woes. But, he wonders, can I put up barriers without losing the intimacy of those friendships? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

She longs for a child, but her partner isn’t there yet, and as a trans woman she already faces other barriers to parenthood. She worries she’s letting her partner’s indecision dictate her own future happiness. She and Esther navigate the delicate dance between exerting her own wishes within the relationship, without letting the pressure shut down the conversation altogether. The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-esther-calling-still-single-at-40. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When Esther first met with them two years ago, they’d recently opened up the marriage. At the time only she had ventured out, and after a lifetime of feeling her sexuality wasn’t her own, she felt an awakening. But at what expense? Her newfound freedom seemed to result in his misery. This time around, they are both exploring elsewhere, but the subject of their non-monogamy takes a backseat to other foundational stories within their marriage. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

He’s in a new relationship and wants it to be exclusive, but he can’t get a read on his partner's feelings. It’s hard for him to have an open honest conversation about his needs without feeling weak, especially when he’s met with silence from her. Esther encourages him to feel confident in his vulnerability and to not mistake having needs for “neediness.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What starts as a story of sexual incompatibility and a difference in life goals for these two women takes a wildly unexpected turn during this session. Esther finds herself witness to a fantasy ritual unlike anything she’s experienced before in her work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They were married, divorced, and then married again. And with four kids between them, tensions run high. They fight about everything: the chores, the cats, who gets to tell who what to do. They come into the session with one story and Esther helps them write an alternate version. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Her new boyfriend’s wife died four years ago. Reminders of her are all over his house, from her clothes in the closet to her photos on the wall. It makes the caller feel uncomfortable and inadequate. She wonders if there’s room in his house — or his heart — for her. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In another episode of Esther Calling, he worries his desire for a serious relationship is putting women off. But early in their phone call, it becomes clear to Esther that he’s talking about a particular woman from his past. He describes his feelings for that woman as “intense”, whereas she was more ambivalent. Esther and the caller explore the question: when is yearning for someone’s unreciprocated feelings more about pride and getting what you want than it is about that other person? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

As Esther says, love is at once an affirmation and a transcendence of who we are. But when one partner grows up as the child taking care of his mother is it any surprise that he experiences the romantic needs of his partner as a repeat of that same responsibility rather than an affirmation of love.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

She has no boundaries, he’s walled off. And their opposing communication styles cause immediate tension in this explosive session. So much so, that Esther finds herself adding to the chorus of angry voices. There might only be three people in this session, but Esther realizes she needs at least three more chairs for the in-laws whose voices and opinions are always playing in the background of this marriage.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You are invited to an intimate evening with Esther Perel. In place of this week's session we gather for a few rounds of Where Should We Begin, A Game of Stories. Over the last year to curtail the loneliness and isolation we all felt, Esther and team created a game out of the questions you often hear her ask on the podcast. So please come play a few rounds with her anonymously, of course. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Before they got together, he identified as straight and they identified as gay. What does it mean to make space for their queer identity while they date a straight man? And is that possible as they move into a more serious phase of their relationship? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

For the first time on the podcast, Esther invites a couple back to her office for a second session. 10 years ago, his first wife took her own life. A year later he met his current wife and she became an overnight stepmother to four children. Three years after they first spoke to Esther, she asks them what has changed? Have they been able to revive and sustain their love despite all of the obstacles? Listen to the original episode from Season 2 here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In a Where Should We Begin first, Esther sits down with two friends. They’ve been close for so long they feel like brothers, with all of the baggage that comes with family but none of the certainty. There are things that go unspoken between them, issues they have skimmed over in their two decades of friendship. Esther creates the space for the conversation they didn't know quite where to begin. This session was recorded in collaboration with NPR's Invisibilia and a sibling episode with Esther can be heard on their podcast this week as well.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this second episode of Esther Calling, we meet a woman who feels she is losing her best friend. The caller feels that her friend is rushing into a marriage to someone she doesn’t approve of. During the call Esther talks her through a new way to see their relationship and where to go from here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This time there is no couch, but instead an unexpected phone call from Esther to a woman who is struggling with the differences between her and her partner's upbringing. He grew up in a comfortable suburb, she grew up having less, much less. She loves her boyfriend but wants to get past the resentment she feels towards the opportunities he’s had. Esther helps her think through how these differences might also play into new strengths between them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Married for ten years and co-owners for seven, they bring their home dynamic to work with them. Their employees are sick of the fights and the struggles for power and control, and so are they. Meanwhile, she also worries their roles at their gym have been divided along gender lines. This is one of Esther's favorite episodes from How's Work?, her show about the invisible forces that shape workplace dynamics, connections, and conflict through one-time therapy sessions with coworkers, cofounders, and colleagues. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

He’s a doctor, she works for the government. Her job is one thing on paper, and another thing in secret. He wants to leave his job, but doesn’t know how. When their busy careers come crashing to a halt because of the pandemic, they face a new reality at home. Who gets to be the one to leave a job during uncertain times? And can they rely on their 19 year marriage for stability and support? This is one of Esther's favorite episodes from How's Work?, her show about the invisible forces that shape workplace dynamics, connections, and conflict through one-time therapy sessions with coworkers, cofounders, and colleagues. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They've been on and off for almost 20 years. While she takes cares of his and their child, she wants to know that he's also there for her. He's been battling depression for years. And the shame that comes with it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Their whole relationship is based on one big misunderstanding, with infidelity and blame on both sides. Years later, they still can't see the other's perspective. Programming note: This conversation was recorded after the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They share a legacy of war, a refugee upbringing, and family trauma. Their marriage was seen as taboo, and now they're trying to build a happier relationship for their child. Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

She left her life, her family and her country for a man she met on Reddit. Their love is real, but his family has been hell. Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Bipolar, infidelity, open relationships: they're stuck in a world of loaded words. Her friends are convinced she should leave, but she doesn't want to follow in her mother's footsteps. Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Barely a year into marriage, they're trapped in a cycle of explosive conflict. She can do no right, and he can do no wrong. Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They grew up with traumatic backgrounds, met in college and immigrated to the U.S. together. They've built stability and security, and now one of them longs for more freedom. Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

He's been cheating on her for years, and she's had enough. Now she wants to know: is he in or is he out? Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They met as religious teenagers and married as virgins. It's the age old story — once you're allowed to be intimate, you no longer want to be. Deciding to open the marriage has brought about huge changes in their sex life, and ruptures in their emotional one. Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Four years in, she can't admit she's attracted to her girlfriend, and her family still doesn't know. Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Last summer they left everything they'd built in Seattle for a chance at a very different life. He took a dream turn to expand his company and be closer to home; she gave up her nursing job to manage their girls and explore new horizons abroad. COVID-19 hits as they watch the fate of other countries, knowing if it reaches Nigeria with a population of more than 200 million people, it will be devastating. They've been offered a chance to go home, but to what? Leaving Nigeria would mean walking away from everything, but staying could be more than either signed up for. Esther speaks to the couple as Africa begins easing restrictions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They have three kids and their volatile marriage has fallen apart. She still hopes to rebuild. He can't get out of there fast enough. Two weeks before COVID-19 forced New Yorkers to shelter in place, they filed for divorce. Now they feel trapped. If he goes he risks not seeing his kids for weeks. If he stays he worries it will thwart his plans to finally leave. Esther urges them to think about this present time together and not about what kind of future they will have apart.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

For the last year they have lived in separate countries. She took a dream job closer to where she grew up in Germany and he stayed behind with the promise he would follow soon. Six months turned into a year, which turned into a conversation that questioned the foundation of their marriage. It took the coronavirus to get them back under one roof again. While others might complain about the close quarters, this couple hopes to find themselves in each other again. Esther pushes them to worry less about the love that was, and focus now on the love that is. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They left each other emotionally years ago, but with three kids they have been trying to keep it together. For the last two weeks they find themselves confined to a small apartment in Sicily, Italy — he bears the brunt of the domestic duties at home all day. She must report to the hospital every day to help usher in new life as a midwife. Esther helps them come to terms with what these next few months could look like if they learn to communicate with one another in ways that might save their relationship. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

[Contains mature themes] After a discovery in her doctor's office, a woman realizes her husband has been unfaithful. While betrayed and angry, she still feels a desire to stick it out for the sake of the kids. He, meanwhile, is desperate to find a way back to her. Esther takes them back to their upbringings and the years before the infidelities to find a place of mutual compassion. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

[Contains mature themes] A husband and wife met while deeply committed to the evangelical faith and didn’t kiss until their wedding day; for her, that kiss felt like “kissing her brother.” Esther gets creative in an effort to help them create a new sexual relationship. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Step into iconic relationship therapist Esther Perel’s office and listen as 10 anonymous couples in search of insight bare the raw, intimate, and profound details of their story. From infidelity to sexlessness to loss, it’s a space for people to be heard and understood. It’s also a place for us to listen and feel empowered in our own relationships. So…where should we begin? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices